Friday, August 22, 2014

Paul, Rosenthal and the Wall

We are currently a .500 team…. I’ll take it! I know it’s not the best record we could hope for but compared to prior years, I am happy. Let’s just keep it up and enter post-season at it, if not better! Our outfield is one of the best (in my humble opinion) and as long as Stanton keeps his bat alive, we can. I am crossing my fingers that #HitsMcGehee re-earns his nickname, and if we combine that with more blasts by Ozuna and Jones, we will continue to look good. The season is almost over, let’s not muck it up in our typical Fish fashion. Regarding our next 3 series: I am just going to assume we will win all 3 games against the Rockies. I mean seriously...if we don’t then… I won’t even go there. The Angels are going to be tough, but hopefully we can fly by them on a wing and prayer. As for Atlanta, I will put on a brave face that we can chop out taking the series. Waaaah waaaaah waaah…. I know. I couldn’t help myself.

I had the pleasure of meeting a reader and Twitter follower last weekend, a charming and funny Mr. Paul Nobles. To Twitter people, he is better known as @dolfan_70. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much time to hang out, as both of our friends were insisting that we go back to watching the silly thing called the Bucs v Dolphins game that we were at. I am sure it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship, and that you’ll hear more from us as we share sports related adventures with the Twitterverse.  

Apparently, I didn’t skewer Ken Rosenthal enough because he’s come back for seconds, and I am happy to dish more out for him. To catch you up to speed, Ken published an article titled “Free Giancarlo Stanton” and I served him up a rebuttal.

Of course, lord knows my readership isn’t even a full speck of sand compared to the beach full of sand that reads his stuff, but my comments and opinions are just as valid as his, so here we go for round 2.

Ken posted this earlier this week and even though he ended the column with a very nice comment, I still think he’s wrong. I think the devil, I mean Loria, knows that Stanton is our stud, and that with all the other BS he’s pulled and the fires he’s started with bad PR, that if he lets go of Stanton and doesn’t show a commitment to our fan base, that we will revolt and leave the team in even worse shambles for attendance and following then we are already in. Stanton is a drug and we’re all hooked. Loria knows better than to yank us off the good juice and throw us into the hysteria of withdrawal. We’ve all seen Trainspotting right? That’s how I imagine every single Marlins fan will be (all hopefully aiming for his ugly ass, overpriced, Italian leather shoes) if Loria lets him slip through or tries to pull another garbage trade that gets us no where and no real talent. We need to keep the talent that we have, and Stanton sits at the top of that list. Look at how the clubhouse interacts with each other right now. It’s all happy go lucky in there and that in turns makes us happy. Giancarlo is the future of our team, and we need him to stay put. Loria’s history of piss poor trades and deal making will not be repeated with Stanton. Stop perpetuating the idea that he is better off elsewhere. He’s gelled the team around him into one of the best outfields in the league. Good grief, Ken, let us have our moment in the sun and work with us to spread the idea that Giancarlo belongs with us long-term, and that it’s best for everyone involved, because it is. He’ll get the money he deserves, and we’ll get to keep doing the drug referred to as GMCS.

If Loria is stupid enough to alienate and piss us off again, I for one will bang my head against a wall, and I’d rather not do then seeing as I finally read the writing on it, when it comes to dealing with my ex. Long gone are the days of me forgetting I had a backbone and letting him walk all over me and treat me in a manner less than I deserve. Jimmy Dugan yelled at me and said “Start using your head. That’s the lump that’s three feet above your ass.” And so now I am and couldn’t be happier. I’m free! I’m free from his cruel attitude and from having to listen to him drone on and on about baseball with his steadfast opinions (which of course were always the right ones, he was never wrong) a sport he’s never once played, not even in a pickup game. Too bad it was when I finally got him to agree to play catch with me once, because he admitted that he had never even worn a baseball glove.

Sometimes I think Ken is the same breed--all opinion, no play time. Maybe that’s why he rubs me the wrong way, because I wonder if he too has ever played, even in a stinking little league. I just think that years of talking about and watching something are no match for the feeling you get when you’ve actually had some dirt in your skirt and have earned an RBI tally.

There you have it folks, Paul Rosenthal, and the wall.

Bonus picture since I quoted A League of Their Own: me as a Rockford Peach! 
It was the best Halloween Costume ever, and one that I think I will repeat next year.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

2 #MonsterDongs = 2 gratuitous pics

A little backside story for you.. years ago, I started playing kickball, as a side game from softball. At the time, I didn't know many people in the league. Fast forward a season and me getting asked out by another player. The story goes as such: he asked me out, I said yes, and he goes back to the table he was sitting with. He told them "K just said that she'd go on a date with me." They all responded "Who?" He pointed me out at my team's table and they all said " mean The Ass."

Years later and now friends with those guys, I've come find out that prior to knowing me or my name, they referred to me as The Ass. Why? Take a wild guess, geniuses.

It's a nickname I've proudly carried since I've found out.

That brings me to the point of this post: what kind of ass are you?

I sent this link to one of my friends, one of the culprits of nicknaming me, and asked "So which one am I?"

(Let us know, readers. What kind are you?)

His reply inspired me write this post: None of the above, in a class by itself. “The Kate” aka “The Ass”  (See why I love him?) followed by Btw, your beloved Stanton will be in a Red Sox uniform soon enough. (See why I hate him?)

Oh wait, you want pictorial proof of my best asset, you say?!

This happened at last year's Summer Spree party. My buddy Ash + booze + my ass + a wooden spoon =

And since this blog is about boobies, here's a picture from this year's Summer Spree, which was this past weekend:

You're welcome.

I guess I have to write something related to GiancarloMichaelCruzStanton because that's the point of the blog, right?

I now have 2 people who refer to Stanton hitting a HR as a #MonsterDong. Slowly but surely, I am converting people.

Speaking of the number 2…..hello!! Did you see those beauties? What about that diving catch? Hotdamn his ass looked good when he did that…our boy has one hellava ass on himself, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Gary Sheffield holds the club record at 42 for a single season batting, and if our boy keeps his hits up, he has a good shot of blasting past Gary before our season ends. We have 9 games left, and he needs 12 more to hold the record. Do you think he can do it? I do!

Let’s all ignore the trade rumors and enjoy this man while we can (which hopefully, will be for a very long time). Please dearlordinheavenalmighty don’t let him leave us.

I've decided that for every #MonsterDong hit for the rest of the season, I will post of picture for you, similar in nature to the ones above. If that's not a reason to cheer Stanton on, I don't know what is.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

2 walks: a comparison to my Lady Parts

My day was made yesterday when I saw my buddy Jeff, who jumped up and ran over to me to hug me and tell me how much he is enjoying my posts. (I am glad someone is!) Seeing as each post has had a shake down on someone, he commented that he loved how “brutal and amazing your comments are, because they are just like you: brutal and amazing.” We had several good laughs and it encouraged me to keep this up. Thanks dude, I love you for our great chat last night, and I promise to keep trying to make you laugh.

That being said, @Project_305 deserves a shout out for making post suggestions, one of which I will reference now: being a clutch fangirl. I laughed and appreciated it when he said it, and now I am really going to earn that title.

I am pretty sure that Jared Hughes intentionally walked twice Stanton last night. Unlike my Lady Parts, I am assuming that he is scared of Stanton’s #MonsterDong.

Now, I know that walking certain batters is a strategic move at times, but damn son, twice in one game? Unfortunately, I only saw the last few innings, so I don’t know what you were throwing him for the 2 hits he got otherwise. I really want to call you a Butt Pirate for that, but I am of the mindset that using anything that’s a slur towards my friends in the gay community is wrong. So instead, I will just say you are a Lady Parts, and that it’s a shame your pitching isn’t as tight as I am.

What I do know is that you made the bats come alive after that last walk, and as we cycled through the 4 pitchers in the 8th and knocked in all those runs, Stanton got hungry for some *(Stolmy) Pimentel Loaf. Unfortunately, he tried to gobble those pitches up and struck out swinging. Even though it upset me to see that, it’s ok, I would still let him pickle my loaf.

(*See what I did there? For the record, I think Pimento Loaf is gross and if you eat, please don’t eat it around me.)

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Trade Deadline Day, Redmond's Ejection and #MonsterDongs

Trade Deadline Day, Redmond's Ejection and #MonsterDongs

The only thing I really have to say about yesterday is THANKYOUSWEETBABYJESUS! Stanton is still a Marlin.
You all already know about all the trades and you don't nee me to reiterate what happened. That's not what this blog is about, anyway. it's about stickfigure drawings, bad photoshop, strip clubs, and now my rack references.

Moving on to Redmond's ejection. Unfortunately, I was working, so I didn't get to see it happen live, but thanks to the interwebs I got to watch it a few times this morning. Kudos to Mikeyboy for standing his ground and calling the objection for what is was: BS. Homeboy even kicked his hat. If that's not passion, I don't know what is. That's some love right there, folks. Our owner may blow but our manager doesn't.

I am bummed I didn't even know about it until today because I was working. My friend, knowing I was working, text me "Stanton just crushed a monster dong..Giancarlomicheal" but didn't tell me about the ejection. He's only half trained... I'll get him there.
Just kidding dude, thank you for letting me know about the #MonsterDong. I owe ya one for that. But please start typing it correctly, it's #MonsterDong not monster dong. Thank you!

Speaking of ejections, I had a fun incident to deal with in a coed rec softball league last night. There's nothing more aggravating than dealing with an ump on a power trip. I was filling in as the at field coordinator for the night, and in all the years I've played and for the short time that I've worked for the league, I have never dealt with such a bad attitude person. That sh*t takes all the fun out of playing. The poor player involved in the incident with the ump took it like a champ though. I have to hand it to him. I'd be banned for life it I were him.

That reminds me, I adidn't update y'all about Monday. I am back playing softball after a hiatus, and although I didn't crush a #MonsterDong myself, but I did have a few good knocks. It felt so good to have a glove on my hand again, though!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Putting my $ where my mouth is

As I read blogs and listen to people ramble away about various and sundry things regarding the game of baseball, I wonder how many of these people have actually played the great sport.

Nothing drives me crazier (and I am already crazy to begin with) than armchair quarterbacks, or in this case, armchair pitchers, droning on about a sport they've never played. That being said, you will never hear me talking about lacrosse or tennis, the two sports I don't think I've ever played, even as a kid. I've been a gymnast, I've played rugby, and even played flag football for my PE credit in college. I've ran, I've swam, and I am a championship winning kickball player.

Tonight, I am putting my money where my mouth is, and picking up my old trusty, a worn and much loved Rawlings glove and my bright purple bat that's covered in dings. Hopefully, I will make Stanton proud and hit a #monsterdong for him.

If I do, who is taking me to a strip club?!?

Wish me luck!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Woman Scorned: A letter to Ken Rosenthal

Dearest Ken,

In regards to your "FREE GIANCARLO STANTON" post yesterday: 

Way to point out everything we already know about Loria and how our team operates. Don't you have anything original or groundbreaking to tell us?

You call yourself a professional, why not report on something that's not already common knowledge?
Good job on doing nothing more than fanning the flames.


Take that bowtie and shove it up your ass. I like to wear them too, but they sure as shit look better sitting above my supple rack versus on your pale, old man turkey neck. Here's a bit of pictorial evidence to back up my claim:


Speaking of old news, much like you are "reporting"...  that's what you just proved yourself to be.

Move over. Its time for the new hotness.

Take note, @FoxSportsFlorida.

Warmest regards,


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Bigfoot has a #MonsterDong

How many names does this guy have?!?

I learned today that he is called Bigfoot by the other players.  

After knowing this, does anyone else think about the saying about the correlation between a man’s shoe size and the size of his junk?

Maybe that’s why we say he hits such #MonsterDongs.