SCWS BLOG GIVEAWAY? FREE STUFF? OH FO SHO!!!

Do you have any idea what's in that package sitting on my desk? No? Well, I don't either, but that won't stop me from giving it away in the first ever Strip Club With Stanton Blog Giveaway! Whatever it is will probably be slightly less awesome than awesome, but slightly more "Meh..." than "Meh..." so that's cool. The only problem, of course, is that I have no idea how to give it away. Should we play trivia? Should I make you beg? Should I just give it to the first woman who sends me a topless pitcure? I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But, if you've got any suggestions, hit me up on the Twitter thingie or just drop your suggestion right in the comments. Or, hey, if you're the shy type, you can always email me!

So, you know, you guys get to thinkin, while I sit here shaking this package till I figure out what the hell it is. We'll meet back later. Spread the word…

FREE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING SAYS MEMORIAL DAY LIKE TOPLESS DANCERS AND BODY PAINT

Ok, well, maybe everything about topless dancers and body paint says Memorial Day. Either way, if you haven't been out to the new ballpark yet, or have been, but just haven't made it into the Clevelander yet, this is what you're missing. Also, for those requiring a still shot (and maybe a tube sock), here ya go:

SO GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON HOMERED LAST NIGHT (5/24/12)

After attacking the Marlins scoreboard Monday night, GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON decided to launch an all-out offensive against the bar above the left center field wall. No word yet on the wall's recovery, but we hear it's in stable condition. God bless. (Also, despite what some people may be saying, that home run was not the longest in Marlins Park. The shot off Jamie Moyer bested it by a little over a yard.)

If you're paying attention, though, his attacks are moving slowly from left to right, so it's probably only a matter of time before we see him go all Missile Command on Jeffrey Loria's Technicolor Nightmare.

Roy may breaks faces, but GCMS breaks buildings.


TOTAL HOME RUNS: 10

TOTAL DISTANCE TRAVELED: 4102'

AVG SPEED OFF BAT: 107.93 MPH

TOTAL RESULTING PREGNANCIES: 301

Enjoy the extended weekend. C U Next Tuesday!

ONCE JASON GIAMBI TURNS INTO A FULL-FLEDGED GRIZZLY BEAR, THE WORLD IS DOOMED

I can't believe I didn't notice this earlier, but if you squint just right, you can see Jason Giambi morphing into a grizzly bear right before your eyes...

FREE BEER AND ALLISON WILLIAMS: AN SCWS INFORMANT TAKES US INTO MARLINS SOCIAL MEDIA NIGHT

A new logo, a new uniform, a new stadium…and now a new appreciation for the bloggers and fans who help spread the word about this team all across the internet.

Yesterday, the Marlins held their first ever Social Media Night, where approximately 60 fans, bloggers and random people you've never heard of received free tickets and got to hang out with other fans, bloggers and random people you've never heard of. One of those people was supposed to be me, but unfortunately, the folks who designed Windows Vista also designed the drainage system in Doral, so it's 17 hours later and some of the streets remain flooded, even as you read this. (Doral, Florida: "Come for the Golf, Stay Because Your Car is Flooded and You Can't Go Anywhere Anyway!") I eventually made it out of the city safely, but it was too late.

Fear not, though, loyal readers. Strip Club With Stanton always has a backup plan.

Meet SCWS informant, Agent E-9. She's a die-hard Marlins fan who isn't afraid to talk shit to people who may or may not like GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON. Also, she's kinda sorta very purty, which never hurts. She's here to tell you all about what you may have missed. (My notes in bold.) Take it away, E-9!

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•  The lucky winners and their guests entered through the Diamond Club entrance, where they were greeted and received their Marlins Social Media Lounge pass.

•  The tour began through the park's tunnel where we got to see the Marlins barbershop, weight room and Diamond Club restaurant. (HEADZ UP BARBER SHOP is actually worth a follow on Twitter and Instagram, if you're into such things.)

•  Next, the tour continued through the Clevelander and up to the promenade level of Marlins Park. The tour guide walked our group through Taste of Miami and a few other parts of the level, stating facts about the park. (Shit that all true marlins fans should already know, so I was yawning the whole way through.) #humblebrag

•  Finally, the tour ended at our seats in the right field bullpen. Contest winners were welcomed by caterers walking around with trays of Asian burgers(!), shrimp burgers(!!), and pulled pork sandwiches.(!!!) Additionally, on the bar, there was an array of food such as oysters, ceviche, mariquitas and Cuban sandwiches. All the food could be found at different concession stands throughout the park. I did enjoy tasting a little of everything along with the unlimited beer and soda. (You can tell Agent E-9 is new to this whole dispatch thing, because free beer—sorry, FREE BEER!!!—should never ever be placed at the end of a paragraph as a casual aside. It clearly deserves its own paragraph. Give her time though, she'll learn. The Force is strong with this one.)

•  At our seats, we got to meet with other bloggers and social network users and chit chat while we enjoyed the food and the game. (I had an ex girlfriend who used to say "chit chat." Drove me fucking nuts.)

•  We also received MLB Fan Cave t-shirts. (They did!)

•  Allison Williams [/drools] made an appearance to chat and interview a few fans. Billy the Marlin also passed by to poke people with his bill, I guess. ("Poke people with his bill" is a euphemism, I guess.)

•  Marlins' Park plans to hold this contest every month to get more bloggers (HUZZAH!) and tweeters (HUZZAH!) into the ballpark to enjoy this social media experience.

•  With this being the first Marlins Social Media Night, I can say I enjoyed being a guinea pig for them.

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And there you have it. An official dispatch from an official SCWS informant. From the photos I've seen popping up online, I have some of my own thoughts, but I'll save them for when I actually make it out to one of these events myself.

A special thanks to Agent E-9, though, for going all the way to Miami and doing all this work, while I sat at a Chili's bar in Aventura, watching the Heat game and stuffing my face with way-too-salty french fries.

(Photo by informant E-9)

GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON HOMERS AND WE LEARN THAT YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS HAIKU THING

Typically, around these parts, we capitalize the entire GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON name. Why? Because he deserves it. And why does he deserve it? Well, last night GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON stepped to the plate with the bases loaded and murdered a baseball. Again. He also murdered a scoreboard. He's been convicted on seven counts of awesome.

Afterward, the challenge was put out to you, the fine readers of this blog and followers of my tweets, to channel your inner Matsuo Bashō, and offer up your best GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku. It wasn't pretty and your third grade teacher probably hates you, but let's take a look anyway…

Our first entry comes from @fakemarlinsfan, whose 3-3-5 technique is either brilliant or the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Hard hit ball
Screen broken
Underwear ruined

Not content with his first attempt, @fakemarlinsfan tries again, this time employing a 6-6-5 style. So, so close.

Stanton hits the big screen
Jumbotron is damaged
Hymens are destroyed

The fakes weren't done, though, as @FakeSamson stopped by and hit us with his attempt at haiku, which also just happened to be a collection of random syllables.

Home runs are cool
In the big, huge ballpark
They fly up so high

4-6-5? I mean, really? Who done learned you guys?

Not all of you were huge disappointments, though. Some of you actually understand the concept of 5-7-5. For instance, here's @KnightTom, who quickly realized that writing the first line of a GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku is pretty much the easiest thing ever.

Giancarlo Stanton
Yellow mustard on his dong
Salami, booyah!

There's just so much to love about that haiku. I wanna hug it.

Next up, @Paposaurus gives us the greatest first five syllables ever put in haiku form...

Dong, Dong, Monster Dong
He hits them really long, DONG
He is twenty-two 

Dong, Dong, Monster Dong
That haiku started out strong
The end, though? I mean…

@domkleinhenz decided to join the fun with a haiku that may or may not have been written by AP Wire Services.

Old man on the mound
Giancarlo at bat, full count
Grand slam, monster dong

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, another delightful Marlins blog, Marlins Diehards (@MarlinsDiehards), presented two to choose from. I couldn't decide which was better, so I posted 'em both.

Grand slam? I'm having
Trouble hiding my Stanton
Boner on the bus

One day Monster Dongs
Will be FDA-approved
Treatments for ED

And, of course, my haiku offerings...

When Giancarlo bats
Panties drop in Miami
RIP scoreboard

So, Ozzie watches
As Stanton murders baseballs
Then bats Kearns cleanup

THIS WEEKEND, AS TOLD BY ANCHORMAN QUOTES