Wednesday, May 15, 2013

STAR TREK NIGHT AT MARLINS PARK: NOT EVEN "THE FORCE" COULD HELP THEM WIN

Last night was Star Trek Night at Marlins Park. Much fun was had. Not by the Marlins, who lost 6-2, but by everyone else who was there. And, well, maybe some of the Marlins had fun, too, since a few of them did get dressed up for the occasion...







Monday, May 13, 2013

THE MARLINS LOST A BUNCH OF GAMES BUT YOU WERE SLEEPING WHEN IT HAPPENED SO IT DOESN'T COUNT

The last time we spoke, on May 5th, the Marlins were ending Roy Halladay's career, which was nice. You probably wanna hold onto that memory, because Loria's band of merry misfits has played 6 games since, recorded more than 1 run just twice, and won just once. Luckily it all happened on the West Coast, so you probably slept through it. Can I get a "Yay, Marlins!"

You now get a day off of not caring about the Marlins before they begin a three game series against the Reds that you won't care about either. Tuesday night is Star Trek Night at Marlins Park (I couldn't even make this up), so feel free to dress like an alien and also shoot yourself in the face, because nobody else associated with that awful show has had the self-respect to do so.

And now for a bunch of photos of Marlins players doing Marlins things:




Friday, May 3, 2013

PHOTOSHOP MAKES THE MARLINS LESS SUCKY, PART I

This season stinks. I'm not even gonna try and fight it. The Marlins lost again yesterday. They're dead last in like everything. Might as well use Photoshop for the greater good and try to have some fun while we're all stuck here watching this mess.

First up, Hector Ruggiano and Jonathon Sanabia. I think those are their names, anyway...


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

PRINT THIS OUT AND WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT, LOGAN

Yesterday was a pretty significant day in sports, what with current NBA player Jason Collins coming out of the closet and all. Even if a few dopes had to go and say some stupid things, it felt a little bit like progress. The majority of the sports world seemed to handle themselves with class. And then there was Logan Morrison...



Which obviously led to this exchange...






Jesus, I can't believe I have to do this--AGAIN--but here goes:

Dear Logan Morrison,

As you may have noticed, we like jokes around these parts. Sports are supposed to be fun and jokes are funny, so it's kind of a natural fit. They lighten the mood and make things feel a little better when your favorite team is doing whatever the hell it is you call it that your teammates are doing on the field this year.

Now that we've established what jokes are and why they're cool, let's talk about homophobia. Homophobia isn't strictly limited to two macho dudes beating up a gay guy in an alley, though that would certainly make understanding it much, much easier. No, homophobia is sometimes about reinforcing stereotypes. Stereotypes like, "Yo, gay guys are into girly things, like fashion. High-five, bro!" for instance.

Now let's talk about being gay in professional sports. Not that I would know what that's like from personal experience, but I'd imagine it's pretty difficult, considering only ONE guy has come out, and all this idiocy has happened in just the last six years:

Tim Hardaway:
"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."
Chris Culliver:
In the interview, Lange asked Culliver if there are any gay players on the 49ers roster, "No, we don't got no gay people on the team, they got to get up out of here if they do," Culliver said. "Can't be with that sweet stuff. Nah ... can't be ... in the locker room man. Nah."
Mike Wallace:
All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH...
Part of the reason there aren't more stories of athletes coming out is because of this caveman culture that exists throughout sports, a culture that doesn't exactly promote acceptance. Most of the time, it actively fights against it. How is an athlete supposed to feel comfortable in his own skin when the people he's closest with make it abundantly clear that they wouldn't be entirely comfortable with it? Or that they'd mocked him openly?

"Maybe they can give me fashion advice." You see, it's funny because gay guys are like women, not real men. Maybe that gay dude should get in the kitchen and fix me a sammich, amirite?

Listen, jokes are funny. Gay jokes aren't. Not when it's 2013 and assholes still aren't comfortable with the idea of a dude loving another dude. These jokes do nothing but put down an entire group of people still fighting to gain the same rights and respect as the rest of us. (You knew this, once upon a time.)

You like to joke. That's cool. We all do. But not about this. Not today. Not when your joke marginalizes a person who did something so unbelievably brave that the President of the United States of America openly commended him. You've got 130,000 Twitter followers and a platform, and instead of showing support for Jason Collins, you chose to make fun of him, doing the very thing that's kept him from coming out of the closet his whole life.

Congratulations, you're a shitty Anthony Jeslenik.

Take care,
SCWS

P.S., I'm sorry you don't like my blog. Guess my dick jokes are a little too highbrow for you.

Monday, April 29, 2013

EVEM MONSTER DONGS CAN'T MAKE THE MARLINS NOT SUCK



GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON finally decided he was done being bored with whatever it is the Marlins do on game days, so he launched three monster dongs (his first three of this miserable, godforsaken season) off the Cubs this weekend. The other explanation is that it was the Cubs. Whatever, man.

His three homers in a 24-hour span makes him the Marlins leading home run leader, because the rest of this team fucking blows. One of his homers almost killed a person in the streets of Miami. The lesson, as we're been learning for the past few years, is that GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON is a god amongst men. Shitty, no good, awful, crappy, terrible men in Marlins jerseys.

Also, the Marlins lost three of four to a Cubs team that's only marginally better than my old softball team.

Also, also, look't that picture. BALLS.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

PUNCH ME IN THE DICK: A MARLINS HAIKU


Make this season stop
It's literally the worst
Punch me in the dick

What's a Mahoney?
I paid money for this shit?
Punch me in the dick

Is LoMo still out?
That guy is a vagina
Punch HIM in the dick

The park is empty
'Cause Loria killed baseball
Fucked us with his dick

"Protest the Marlins—
Wait, what? It's opening night!"
Those people were dicks

Just five wins this year
Which is better than I thought
Punch me in the dick

It's hard to believe
I blog about these losers
Punch me in the dick

Should have made a blog
About going to the zoo
Punch me in the dick

If you're reading this
You haven't killed yourself yet
Thank you for the clicks