Tuesday, March 15, 2011

2011 SEASON PREVIEW: IF THE FLORIDA MARLINS WERE A STRIP CLUB



While other blogs are putting on their mainstream media hats and trying to provide you with a detailed breakdown of the team you'll be watching on the field this year, SCWS will be doing things a little differently. After all, if you were looking for legitimate baseball analysis, you wouldn't be here in the first place. So, without any further ado, Strip Club With Stanton presents it's 2011 Marlins Season Preview, wherein I compare the Florida Marlins to the various things you'd find in a strip club. (What? You expected something more civilized?)





John Buck (C) - The cover charge. $5? $25? Doesn't matter how good or bad a deal it is. Nobody's paying attention to it anyway.

Matt Domínguez (3B) - The free giveaway item after the two-for-one lap dance special. Will it be a picture frame? Maybe a wrench set? I don't know. But, I'm probably a little more excited about it than I should be.

Omar Infante (2B) - The stripper you get a lap dance from when someone else takes the one you really want to the champagne room. You were waiting for that one girl all night and then some jackass swoops in and steals her away. Now, it's gonna be at least an hour before she comes back out. So, what do you do? You get the lap dance from your second choice. Problem is, she better be fucking awesome – like, deep-throat-a-baseball-bat awesome – otherwise you'll be thinking about the one that got away the whole time.

Chris Coghlan (CF) - The new girl. It's her first night on the pole. It's new to her. So there's a chance you might see something awesome. More than likely, though, she's gonna fall a few times.

Logan Morrison (LF) - The stripper pole.
While he might not be the best player on the Marlins roster, he's certainly one of the bright spots. More importantly, though, one look at Morrison's Twitter page should tell you that, much like the stripper pole, he's where the entertainment's at. Also, it's common knowledge that Logan appreciates it when fans throw sticky dollar bills at him when he's in the outfield.

Emilio Bonifacio (2B/WOS) - The douchebag in the Affliction t-shirt, hitting on the strippers.
His very existence bugs the shit out of you, but you just have to accept that he's part of the strip club experience.

Hanley Ramírez (SS) - The waitress. The strippers get all of the glory, and deservedly so, but without fail, the hottest girls in the club are always the waitresses. It's not even a question. And, yet, they're almost always overlooked. Listen, we may all be really excited about Mike Stanton this year, and we should be, but let's not forget to tip our sexy waitress.

Gaby Sánchez (1B) - The bouncer. Sorry, Nyjer, but you gotta get the fuck out the club.

Mike Stanton (RF) - The Stripper with the perfect boob job. Are they fake? Are they real? You can't tell and you don't care. All you know is that they're rubbing against your chin, six songs have passed and you're dangerously close to needing to sell your car, but you'll be damned if the lap dance from this girl is gonna end anytime soon.




Ricky Nolasco (SP) - The first strip club you ever went to. Remember how after that first trip to the strip club, you were all, "THEE DOLLHOUSE IS THE BEST FUCKING STRIP CLUB EVER!!!" Only, next time you went to Tootsies and you realized that Thee DollHouse wasn't, in fact, the best strip club ever? I mean, don't get me wrong. It's good and all. But, it's certainly not King of Diamonds or anything.

Chris Volstad (SP) - The really *REALLY* drunk friend. This guy might talk a stripper into coming home with you. (YES!) He also might wind up trying to fight a cop in the parking lot. (NO!)

Josh Johnson (SP) - The famous porn star who headlines on the night you're there. There's the standard night at the strip club, where you hang out for an hour or two, get your lap dance and go home. That's a good night. But, then there's that night where you accidentally wind up at the strip club and find out that Kayden Kross is headlining. And that's a fucking awesome night. That's a JJ night.

The Bullpen - The buffet. You know it's there, it's cheap, and it's probably not terrible, but if you can help it, you'd rather not go to it.

Leo Núñez (RP) - The ATM. Sometimes, things are going so well that you decide to close out the night with a little champagne room action.You're just one nervous trip to the ATM away from the extra funding you'll need to make it happen. Will it spit out the cash? Or are you gonna get cock-blocked by a blue screen that reads "insufficient funds"? You're never really sure.




Edwin Rodriguez - The DJ. It really doesn't matter what music is playing, as long as the drinks are cold and the strippers are hot. But you better believe that if the girls have a few too many stretch marks and the beer is a bit too skunked, people are gonna start to notice that the DJ just played Pour Some Sugar On Me for the sixth time in two hours.




Outlook - The bachelor party. This season is either going to be a lot of fun or an absolute trainwreck. It's probably not going to fall anywhere in the middle. And if it does turn out to be a trainwreck, then really, it'll probably be a lot of fun anyway. So, you know, there's no way this season can be a bad one. And if someone winds up fucking a tranny stripper in the bathroom?* Well, that's just gravy.

*That may or may not have been an anology for winning the World Series. I'm still not entirely sure.

1 comment:

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