Tuesday, April 26, 2011

LETTERS TO EDWIN



Dear Edwin,

After Omar Infante's walk-off single last night, you told of your team's penchant for comebacks this season. This is what you said:
“Back in spring training, we were talking about winning close games, and they’ve been taking that to the next level. It’s good to see.”
You're so fucking right. That pep talk, way back in March, about winning close games totally stayed with the team. Because of that pep talk, your guys are "taking that to the next level." What the fuck does that even mean? Do you even believe the bullshit that comes out of your mouth sometimes? It is good to see. It's wonderful to see, even. But, the idea that your team has come up with some mathematical formula for winning close games – games you had to come back in, specifically – is fucking stupid. It's luck. It's dumb fucking luck. There is no explanation for a team winning an inordinate number of close games. Sometimes good shit just happens. Like Emilio Bonifacio batting .320 or Omar Infante not flying out to right field in the bottom of the ninth with the game on the line. Don't try to explain it away with some nonsensical comment about how you spoke about it. Oh, well that's wonderful. I spoke about fucking a supermodel back when I was 16 and you know what? That shit still hasn't happened yet.

I know athletes and managers are asked to speak a lot, and when you open your mouth that often, something dumb is bound to come out sooner or later, but this is something I'm afraid a lot of managers truly believe. It's something I'm almost certain YOU believe. And I'm not gonna lie, that kinda scares the shit outta me. I don't expect my manager to be a genius, but I also don't expect him to believe in some of the most basic fallacies in baseball.

Listen, Edwin, this letter isn't so much to voice my displeasure with you as a person. The Edwin who talks to his players and goes home to his family? That guy kicks ass. But, the Edwin trusted to make logical, sound baseball decisions? Well, that dude worries the shit outta me. And I think it's best in any relationship to discuss your feelings and concerns openly, like adults. Adults who use colorful language and Photoshop. So, I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this:

Stop saying and doing stupid shit.

Sincerely,
Strip Club With Stanton

4 comments:

  1. Hey dude why do you care if he attributes it to snake blood martini's and doing coke of hookers tits as long as they keep doing it. Sure it will regress to the mean, so will Hanley and Big Worm, shit balances out. The truth is pitching has been dominant and it is easy to come back when you only have to score 3 runs per 9 innings to win the fucking game.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Because I prefer my manager NOT believe in silly little things like the ability to win one-run games and unicorns.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've just installed iStripper, so I can have the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete