Friday, April 22, 2011

SOMALI PIRATES > PIRATING SOFTWARE > PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN > PITTSBURGH PIRATES


In what may come as a surprise to everyone except my girlfriend, I was wrong. Not only did the Marlins not completely fall apart when I expected them to, they dominated the Pirates. Like, shotgun-blast-to-the-face, kick-your-lifeless-body-with-a-steel-toed-boot, shit-on-your-rotting-corpse domination.

At one point, the Pirates had gone 22 innings without scoring a run. TWENTY. TWO. INNINGS. During the fifth inning of Wednesday night's game – and I'm not making this up – someone had to explain to Lyle Overbay what that five-sided polygon thing was in front of the catcher. It had been that long since he had touched it.

Next on tap, the Rockies! (Get it? Tap? You see, because of the beer commercial and...Still, no?) And while, admittedly, I've been bracing for a collapse, the starting pitching has been exceptional as of late and their bullpen hasn't really fucked anything up too bad. Even Speedy McFuckface is playing well, so really, I think it might just be time for me to relax and enjoy this. Maybe. Okay, Probably not.

Don't worry about...

The Nationals. I know they have a winning record, and they're right behind the Marlins in the division, and I know they've got Bryce Harper coming up and Stephen Strasburg eventually coming back, but you must remember one very important thing: it's the Nationals. Something WILL go wrong. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. They just had a prospect die of bacterial meningitis, for fuck sake. Give it 45 games, you'll watch a player foul a ball off his foot, throw the bat in anger and accidentally decapitate a first base coach. These are the types of things that happen when you steal a team from Canada. It's a curse. Just ask the Coyotes.

Be worried about...

Logan Morrison. Actually, the guy you should be worried about is Donnie Murphy, since I'm pretty sure he's contagious. Did you know you can catch Donnie Murphy? For reals, yo. Rumor is, Murphy shared a drink with Mike Miller at LIV last year and the guy hasn't been able to recover since. Poor fella.

Donnie Murphy. Aside from actually being contagious, the guy can't catch a fucking break. He gets hurt, recovers, then promptly fouls a ball off his knee. I thought the Irish were supposed to have good luck. On a positive note, he did catch a pop up AND run out a grounder to the shortstop without breaking his femur, so you know, small victories and whatnot.

Be terrified of...

Emilio Bonifacio. He went 5 of 8 with 2 runs and only 1 K in the first two games of the series, so I'm sure all those people who are inexplicably on the fence about him will get overly excited about the numbers in this tiny sample size. You know what, guy-who's-on-the-fence-about-Emilio-Bonifacio? Die. Die in a fire. (And thank you, Marlins Diehards, for putting this into coherent sentences when the only thing I've been able to do is shout expletives and throw expensive things around my apartment.)

Photo of the Series



What happens when Mike Stanton hits a home run? CONGA LINE BITCHES!

Unfortunately, if you open your Official Marlins Celebration Handbook, you'll see that rule 47(b) states that "no player is allowed to join a conga line unless he has already hit at least one home run himself." Hanley haz a sad.

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