Monday, May 9, 2011

GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ANIBAL SOME BUTTERMILK PANCAKES, BITCH


With the bullpen showing glimpses of the past and the Marlins dropping their first series since opening weekend, I thought I'd bring this back to see if maybe we can get the luck to change around here. Before Sunday's game, I was afraid this would be the month. You know, the month where they go 7-22 and it seems like they'll never win another game again? Yea, I was terrified of that. But then, Anibal Sanchez took the mound on Sunday and did that thing he did back on April 22 and all was right in the world. They'd at least go 8-21 in May.

More importantly than Anibal's pitching, though, was this lede:
Fortified by his mother’s pancakes, Anibal Sanzhez was unhittable for 100 pitches Sunday.
Pay attention, young journo students. Because if you want me to pay attention to your boring game recaps, you'll do as Steven Wise has done here and always – ALWAYS – lead with a food reference.

Don't worry about...


The Phillies. They just dropped two out of three to Atlanta and they're leading off this series with their 6 of diamonds, Joe Blanton. Add to that the loss of Roy Oswalt and suddenly this pitching staff looks a lot less like this, and a lot more like a poker hand you could go all-in against with your Q9, unsuited. At least for this series, anyway.

Be worried about...

That one-month nightmare that always feels like it's right around the corner. I'm telling you, there's going to be a month where the Marlins win once. It's going to happen. I'm bracing myself for it and you should too, because you don't want to feel that kind of hurt again. You don't want to feel like a woman whose husband swears he's moved beyond his violent ways, only to be beaten again with a frying pan the second you let your guard down. It's coming, Marlins fans. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the hell out of this start, but that month is out there somewhere. And I already wanna throw up just thinking about it.

Emilio Bonifacio. In the Marlins two losses against his former team, he showed excellent plate discipline, walking three times and only striking out once. In their lone victory, he was 1 for 5 and struck out twice. What does this mean? Obviously, the key to this team winning is Emilio Bonifacio sucking. Or something to that effect. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on with this man this season. I just know it can't be a good thing. Nothing he does can ever be a good thing. Unless he breaks his femur.

Be terrified of...

The Mets. They just took two out of three from the Dodgers. And they're like two whole games up on the Astros. And they've got something called a Dillon Gee in their starting rotation. (Who may or may not be pictured below.) So, you know, be terrified of the Mets. Tremble and shit. Or just laugh.



Photo of the Series



You know, I can't imagine why black people don't embrace baseball like the rest of the country...

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