Monday, June 20, 2011

EXCLUSIVE: JACK MCKEON/LARRY BEINFEST PHONE CONVERSATION



Strip Club With Stanton will stop at nothing to bring you the latest in breaking Marlins news. Which is why, when it was announced that Edwin Rodriguez was stepping down and the Marlins were interested in a friend from the past, SCWS went deep undercover to illegally secure the transcript from a telephone conversation that took place early Sunday afternoon between Larry Beinfest and Jack McKeon.

[Phone rings]


Jack McKeon: Jack here.
Larry Beinfest: Jack, ole buddy!
Jack McKeon: Who the fuck is this?
Larry Beinfest: It's me! It's your old friend Larry...
[Awkward silence]
Larry Beinfest: ...Beinfest?
Jack McKeon: Oh, yeah. Gary. How ya' been?
Larry Beinfest: I'm great. And how 'bout you? How you–
Jack McKeon: Wait. Beinfried...?
Larry Beinfest: Beinfest. FEST. LARRY BEINFEST. Remember, we used to work together? Baseball? The Marlins? '03? THE WORLD SERIES...?!?
Jack McKeon: Ohhhhhh riiiiiiiight, I, uh... I remember that. Man, those were the good ole' days.
Larry Beinfest: Well, lemme get back to the reason I was call–
Jack McKeon: Hey, you remember that Beckham kid? Man, that was some kid.
Larry Beinfest: Beckett?
Jack McKeon: Yeah, Becker. That kid was something else, I tell ya.
Larry Beinfest: He certainly was. But, listen, back to–
Jack McKeon: Hey, Harry.
Larry Beinfest: Larry.
Jack McKeon: Lanny.
Larry Beinfest: LARRY.
Jack McKeon: Geez, would ya relax a little? I was just messing with ya that time, Lenny. Like I don't know your name. Sheesh. Hey, you wanna hear something crazy?
Larry Beinfest: Sure.
Jack McKeon: You'll never believe this, but I'm on a fuckin boat right now.
Larry Beinfest: Okay...?
Jack McKeon: Barry, I'm on a boat... AND I'M TALKIN TO YOU!
Larry Beinfest: I don't understand.
Jack McKeon: My wife got me one of these new cellular phone things. It's crazy, I tell ya. I'm on a boat. I'm talking to you. And I'm fishing.
Larry Beinfest: Oh, a new phone? So then you got the email I sent you last week then.
Jack McKeon: Email? The fuck's that? I got Snake. See, you're a black thing and you gotta eat these things and then you get bigger and bigger as the game goes on. They should'a called this game Herrera, amirite? Huh?! Amirite?!?
Larry Beinfest: You mean Cabrera?
Jack McKeon: Whatever. What the fuck do you want anyway?
Larry Beinfest: I thought you'd never ask. So, listen, you saw what happened earlier today, right? With Edwin?
Jack McKeon: Who's Edwin?
Larry Beinfest: Our manager?
Jack McKeon: Manager? What the hell happened to Joel?
Larry Beinfest: Joel?
Jack McKeon: That catcher kid who took over for me.
Larry Beinfest: Oh, JOE! Girardi? Jack, that was a long time ago. We've, uh... we've moved on since then.
Jack McKeon: Good. Cause that stupid fuck couldn't manage his way out of a shoebox. How the hell was he ever gonna win a World Series?
Larry Beinfest: Well, Jack... he did. But, really, that's not important right now. Listen–
Jack McKeon: I'm listening...
Larry Beinfest: Okay, here goes. I'd like you to come back and manage the team...
[Silence]
Larry Beinfest: ...You there? Jack...? Jack...?

[*CLICK*]

[Phone rings again]

Jack McKeon: Jack here.
Larry Beinfest: What happened to you?
Jack McKeon: Who the fuck is this?
Larry Beinfest: Jesus, Jack, it's me! It's Larry again.
Jack McKeon: Oh, sorry, I hit some button and then I was talkin and you couldn't hear me and then I saw a big fucking fish, so I hung up.
Larry Beinfest: Oh, you probably just hit the mute button.
Jack McKeon: Wally, it's a phone. It's not a fucking TV remote.
Larry Beinfest: Whatever. Can we just get back to what we were talking about before?
Jack McKeon: Alright, alright. What do ya want?
Larry Beinfest: Jack, I'd like to you come back and manage the team.
Jack McKeon: What team?
Larry Beinfest: JESUS FUCK! THE MAR– Listen, you know what? It doesn't even matter. Jack, I just need you to sit on a bench and pretend to do whatever it is you were doing in 2003. I don't even care if it works. I just need to give the fans some reason – ANY REASON – to purchase season tickets next year and you're the only trick I've got left up my sleeve. So, whaddya say? Can you do this for me?
Jack McKeon: I don't know, Jerry. I'm doing an awful lotta fishing these days. I ain't even seen a baseball game in three years.
Larry Beinfest: That's not important.
Jack McKeon: But, I don't even know who's on the team.
Larry Beinfest: Not important.
Jack McKeon: But–
Larry Beinfest: Don't care.
Jack McKeon: I, uh... I–
Larry Beinfest: We'll pay you in cigars.
Jack McKeon: Atta' boy, Henry. Atta' boy.
Larry Beinfest: See you Monday, Jack.
Jack McKeon: See you Monday, Landy.

[*BEEP*, *CLICK*, *BEEEEEEEP*]

Jack McKeon:
Heh. You were right Gonzo.
[Background voice: Ha! I toll joo! De Beinfest Shuffle!]

Jack McKeon: Asshole thinks he's some fuckin– Wait, is this thing off? How the hell do you turn this damn thing–

Larry Beinfest: [Sigh]

[*CLICK*]

3 comments:

  1. Good shit right there!

    Pay him in cigars, strippers, Miracle Ears, Depends -- whatever it takes to recreate the magic of 2003.

    ....only, with less trading of future All Stars (Adrian Gonzalez).

    ReplyDelete
  2. love the gonzo throw-in, as always, a must-read.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete