Friday, June 17, 2011


From May 9, 2011:

Be worried about...

That one-month nightmare that always feels like it's right around the corner. I'm telling you, there's going to be a month where the Marlins win once. It's going to happen. I'm bracing myself for it and you should too, because you don't want to feel that kind of hurt again. You don't want to feel like a woman whose husband swears he's moved beyond his violent ways, only to be beaten again with a frying pan the second you let your guard down. It's coming, Marlins fans. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the hell out of this start, but that month is out there somewhere. And I already wanna throw up just thinking about it.

I hate being right, but this was an easy one to call. There was no way you could expect every single man on the team to play that well for the entire season. I mean, really, when your best player is sucking ass and you're still fighting for first, it means a lot of shit is going right that'll probably even out eventually. And it has. Unfortunately for the Marlins, the only thing that hasn't seemed to even out is their best player, making this the ultimate cluster-fuck of a season. Listen, I know it was cute and all when, a month into the season, everyone was making jokes about Emilio being a better bat than Hanley, but it's not gonna be nearly as funny when it's August and they're both batting .163.

Anyway, if you're reading this, it means you haven't killed yourself. And if you have killed yourself and you're still following the Marlins season, it probably means that heaven wasn't your ultimate destination. Either way, grab yourself a drink because you deserve it for still being here. But, you should probably make it a strong one. You're gonna need it if you plan on sticking around for a while.

Up next on the Florida Marlins' Clown Car on Fire Tour... an ass-kicking in Tampa!


  1. God damnit SCWS, stop being clairvoyant.

  2. Does anyone else besides me imagine Loria's office as resembling Dracula's bedroom? I'm talking complete with coffin and cobwebs and old candles. The coffin sleeps three so Loria, Beinfest, and Samson can spoon and giggle about raping babies, calling Theo Epstein a fag, or whatever it is that they do together after the games. I kind of have to wonder if after telling Edwin to quit or brave the hellstorm, Loria called Lomo into his office and told him to keep his mouth shut about Edwin's departure or else he'd trade him to the Yankees for an invite to the Steinbrenner Christmas party and the rights to negotiate a contract with Joba Chamberlain.

  3. Also, I'd photoshop Loria, Samson, and Beinfest's heads onto a Three Stooges poster, but my skills are lacking... So that's your job now.