Tuesday, June 21, 2011


When Edwin Rodriguez submitted his resignation and word began to spread that Jack McKeon was on the Marlins short list of interim managers, I was probably more excited than most fans. Not because he's some exceptional manager who's bound to turn the team around and lead them to an improbable Wild Card run, but because I'm a blogger and he's 147 years old and sure to do enough stupid shit that I'll never run out of things to write about. And sure enough, three hours into his second tenure as manager of the Florida Marlins, Captain Jack didn't disappoint.

In a move that caused the entire city of Miami to collectively orgasm, Dr. Jack benched Hanley Ramirez for arriving late to the clubhouse on Monday. Or because he didn't like the way Hanley was running on Sunday. Or some other stupid reason that fans ate up like crack-coated Pop Rocks. As fans, you guys love that Hollywood movie shit; old, lovable Gene Hackman putting his foot down and benching the obnoxious Hall of Fame quarterback at halftime. Put the rich guy in his place! That'll teach him!

Really, though, there are a few things you have to remember...

Jack McKeon may be able to do whatever he wants because he's an interim manager with no future, but he has no real power. It's not like he's auditioning for a contract next year or anything. So, he gets to flex his flabby muscles and bench slumping superstars and file it under "shaking things up," when everyone -- Jack of Diamonds, included -- knows that it's just a meaningless way to assert fake dominance, to put on a show. In all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me if this was just Jack's way of giving an injured Hanley the night off and making himself look tough in the process. Either way...

Hanley probably isn't all that worried, anyway. Remember last year, when Hanley and Fredi got in that tiff and everyone sided with the manager and called Hanley a diva? Yeah, how'd that one work out for Fredi? Listen, Hanley knows he's infinitely more valuable to the organization than some old man they just hired to manage the team for half a year, so I'd have my doubts that last night's benching sent any kind of message to the struggling shortstop. (Remember, for all the shit Manny Ramirez put the Red Sox through, they didn't bother showing any kind of balls until after he won them two World Series. There's a reason for that.)

So, while you guys were playing Ookie Cookie over the news that the lazy, ungrateful malcontent got pseudo bitch slapped yesterday, I was busy looking at it from a completely different perspective...

Here he is, the Marlins old, new manager. He's 8,329,251 years old. He smokes cigars while he sleeps. He forgets names. He lays down the fake law. He's going to suspend Mike Stanton at some point this year for being too good looking. And I love it. Because he's a crazy person. Because he has nothing to worry about. Because he's the old guy who's already brought this team a World Series, no matter how little it had to do with him. Because he's untouchable.

But, most importantly, because no matter what he does, he's going to do it just like this. Like a cranky old man.

And this blog will be all the better for it.


  1. You crazy wipper-snappers have no idea how we did things in the old days. Now get off my lawn!

    / shakes fist at sky

  2. Very entertaining. I gotta stop drinking and start doing sports commentary about commentators. Anyway, I'm cracking up.

  3. I would love to bench Mike Stanton for being too good looking. I got a bench for him. Congrats on the W tonight.