Friday, June 24, 2011


The San Francisco Giants and St. Louis Cardinals have each watched their best player go down in a crumpled heap, hammering home that uncomfortable notion that your season is always just one freak accident away from coming to a horrible end. But, what if I told you that it wasn't true? What if I told you that those injuries, random as they might seem, were completely calculated? That they were part of something bigger, something more nefarious? What if I told you there was something "fishy" going on?

We'll start by taking a look at two of the major injuries that occurred this year...

There's been much debate over whether or not Scott Cousins could have chosen to slide towards the open part of the plate, avoiding contact with Posey altogether, but let's assume, for the sake of this conversation and to annoy idiotic Giants fans, that he had no other choice. We could agree then that both injuries you just watched occurred on seemingly ordinary plays. But, let's take a closer look at some exclusive footage Bud Selig doesn't want you to see.

The Mermaid Initiative
(Warning: What you are about to see may shock you. These videos and photos are not for the faint of heart. Parental discretion is advised.)

After the initial contact by Cousins, you'll notice that Buster Posey lies on the ground, momentarily stunned, but not seriously injured. However, just before the trainers have a chance to help him, something happens. It happens so fast that the broadcast doesn't catch it. But, SCWS's special super duper slow-mo cameras are about to tell you a whole different story...

Buster Posey was on the verge of making Brian Sabean look smart. Even after a handful of dumb contracts, the Giants still looked like a legitimate 2011 World Series contender, and most of that was because of Posey. Baseball prides itself on parity, though – something David Stern's NBA struggles with – and if the same team were to win in back-to-back years, that one endearing quality that baseball has could take a serious hit.

Enter Agent Shimmer.

It's called the Shimmer Elbow. Part of a top-secret initiative to level out the Major League Baseball playing field, Agent Shimmer is tasked with overseeing competitive balance and taking care of situations like this one quietly and efficiently. And if you haven't heard of her by now, it's because she's doing an excellent job.

Take a closer look at the Albert Pujols injury again...

Agent Shimmer again. The Shimmer Elbow.

The History

The Mermaid Initiative is bigger than baseball. It's bigger than sports. Sometime back in the 1940's, the government needed a way to control certain situations that seemed beyond their control. So, in collaboration with Russian scientists working within Area 51, the United States government worked to develop a superhuman, ordinary-looking enough to blend in with the normal population, but beautiful enough to get whatever she wants, all while possessing a unique power and quickness to get the job done in the most secretive of manners.

After six unsuccessful prototypes were developed, the government was ready to give up. That is, until, on their seventh attempt, they found their superhuman. (Where did you think "lucky number 7" came from?) Shimmer... Ashley Shimmer. Skilled in Taekwondo, Jiu-Jitsu, Benihana and Sushi Siam, Agent Shimmer would be considered nothing less than a deadly assassin. One quick strike from her adamantium-laced elbow could and would solve most any problem. (As you've witnessed above.)

The Mermaid Initiative was moving along fine, and by 1957 had already prevented five assassination attempts and two major natural disasters. The operation looked to be a success. Nobody knew about it. Nobody had to know. But by 1962, some of the men working within the Mermaid Initiative began to grow fearful that the President of the United States, who had no previous knowledge of the operation, might have accidentally stumbled onto sensitive information. There was only one thing to do. In November of 1963, Agent Shimmer was tasked with the termination of President John F. Kennedy. This is the only known photograph of the event, taken moments before the assassination.

Decommission and Subsequent Work

The Mermaid Initiative came to an abrupt halt in 1965 as Agent Shimmer was officially shut down and left in a dumpster behind a Las Vegas McDonald's. She was eventually found by local man, Harry Henderson, and housed in his basement for the better part of three and a half decades, until New Years of 2000, when she suddenly sprung to life again due to a system error caused by the Y2K bug.

Henderson sold Shimmer to the WWF, where she worked as Vince McMahon's personal cocktail waitress. She would wind up befriending Dwayne Johnson, teaching him her patented Shimmer Elbow, a move he would later call, The People's Elbow.

After working for five years in the WWF, Shimmer finally landed another job as a top-secret agent, this time in the sports world. Which brings us to now...

Up and running again, The Mermaid Initiative is now the unofficial protector of competitive balance in the sports and entertainment industry. Nobody knows who runs the operation, but its existence is as obvious as the sun. You may've witnessed some of Agent Shimmer's finer work in the past and not even realized it.

Jeter's face? Agent Shimmer.

Barbaro's leg? Agent Shimmer.

Taio Cruz's career? Agent Shimmer.

What It Means

To most, Ashley Shimmer is the girl you check out when she's dancing on the dugout at Sun Life Stadium. But to those in the know – and there are only a few – Agent Shimmer and The Mermaid Initiative are a vital part of the industry. Nobody knows for sure whether there are other agents, but you can bet that when giant men like Albert Pujols come crashing to the floor, writhing in pain, there's more to the injury than what you think you saw.

Somewhere close by, there's sure to be a Mermaid. An agent. Agent Shimmer.

Watching. Waiting. Protecting.

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