Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Take a long hard look at the photos above, because one of them might be the ace of this pitching staff in, like, 6 years. At least that's what Google Images tells me when I search for the newest member of your Florida Marlins.

The Marlins selected Jose Fernandez 14th overall in last night's draft. For those who don't know, Fernandez is an attempted Cuban defector and a former prisoner. Oh, and he occasionally pitches. (Though, as Herb Uzzi noted last night, when he pitches, the dude fucking PITCHES.) The problem is, I don't know which one of those pictures is him, so I'll just analyze all of them from left to right.

Jose Fernandez #1: That guy actually looks a little bit like a pitcher. Like a drunk pitcher who keeps trying to power his 89mph fastball down the middle because he's way too macho to learn that sissy breaking shit. His career lasts three years.

Jose Fernandez #2: Definite knuckleballer. Guy does nothing but knuckle-knuckle-knuckle-change-up-knuckle his way through games. Career lasts a good 30 years because, as Charlie Hough and Tim Wakefield have proven, knuckleballers never ever retire. They eventually just die on the mound, get raked away by the grounds crew in the 7th inning and we all pretend like nothing ever happened.

Jose Fernandez #3: Not only can this Jose Fernandez pitch, but the dude can rake. Bats like .350 with 30 homers a year. He can also dress. (Notice the cream on white with the tie clip. *SWOON*) Not only does he have a long, highly successful career, but he's on the cover of ESPN The Magazine like forty bajillion times.

Jose Fernandez #4: Decent prospect. Destroys his elbow in the minors. Undergoes Tommy John surgery. Never heard from again.

Man, I really hope it's that last guy. Love his beard.

1 comment:

  1. Good shit, meng! At this point, I hope it's Bachelor...err...Jose #3, because we need both his arm and bat in the lineup!