Thursday, August 25, 2011


I know I poke fun at the Marlins attendance woes from time to time, and get annoyed when other media outlets use it as a way of disparaging a franchise they know nothing about, but I gotta tell ya, I'm kind of dreading the day that you'll see more fans in a particular section than empty seats.

It sounds ridiculous, because who doesn't enjoy a ballgame with a great, lively crowd?

Me, that's who.

The way things are right now, I can walk out in the middle of an inning to grab a corn dog and not block the view of a single person. And I might be back in time to catch the end of the same at-bat, because there aren't any lines at any of the concession stands to slow me down. No assholes standing at the counter, staring blankly at the cashier, because they have no idea what they want, even though there are only, like, 6 things on the entire menu, keeping 35-40 other people from getting back to their seats to watch Mike Stanton splatter a baseball's brains all over the upper deck.

No, being at a Minor League game masquerading as a Major League game is a wonderful experience and fuck you with a splintered, wooden dick if you disagree. Keep pretending you enjoy going to Wrigley and rubbing shoulders with the slobs on either side of you for three hours. Go ahead, tell me you like it when you miss an inning and a half because you had to wait on a ridiculous line to take a piss. You fucking hate it. Just say it. You're the same selfish asshole who would murder an old lady if she held up the deli line by asking to try the Colby Jack, but somehow, when it comes to baseball, you want people impeding your progress in every conceivable way? You're a fucking liar.

The only thing a crowded stadium lets you do is thumb your nose at fans of teams who don't have crowded stadiums. Teams with large, obnoxious fanbases that pack their stadiums are the Prime Italian of baseball stadiums. Overpriced and overhyped, all it lets you do is look down upon the peasants dining at Vignetto's, even though the chicken parmesan they're eating is better, their sauce is fresher and their bread just gave them an orgasm.

So, yeah, I hope nobody shows up to games in the new stadium. And I hope I'm the only one in my section. And I hope douchey mainstream bloggers continue earning a paycheck for making tired jokes about it. I just hope those same bloggers remember those jokes when they're trying to take a massive shit during a baseball game while there's a line of drunk, impatient assholes barking at them to finish up.

I'll just be over here in one of Sun Life's 47 deserted bathrooms, popping my squat in peace, thankyouverymuch.


  1. ridiculously perfect prose SCWS, and a great point. you're a young, foul-mouthed billy shakespeare.

    though less fans means more bonerfaces (or now, amezega's) and less stanton bombs, since he'd leave for a big contract elsewhere...

  2. Beautiful!! Now it would be better if the Marlins allowed their players to sit in the stand instead of the clubhouse to make it appear like more people are there.

  3. Amen, I was at that game. It was fucking awesome. I had bomb ass seats in the first few rows in 146 and NO ONE was around me. Like you said, I got up, got food and was back to my seat in less than five.