Saturday, August 13, 2011


A bit of shocking news out of Marlinland this weekend. After last night's loss to the Giants, WES HELMS WAS RELEASED!!! Oh, and LoMo got optioned to AAA New Orleans. Wait, what? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! WES HELMS?!?

No, really, though. Logan Morrison was sent down. For realz, yo! And the craziest part...

(Pertinent quotes highlighted)

HOLY CONSPIRACY THEORY, BATMAN!!! Time to put on our thinking caps and try to figure out just what the hell happened then...

LOMO & UNCLE WES SUSPECTED OF DISTRIBUTING BEASTIALITY PORN Early Saturday morning, Logan Morrison brings his computer into Best Buy for repairs. (Note: You should never, ever do this.) While snooping around his files, a member of the Geek Squad happens upon a folder titled "OMFGNOWAY", which turns out to be a secret folder where Morrison keeps pictures of women fucking horses and getting plowed by German Shepherds. Geek Squad guy alerts police, who do a thorough search of the hard drive and find emails to Wes Helms containing more photos of deranged animal sex. The Marlins find out just after the game ends and announce that they're releasing Helms and optioning Morrison, which, in actuality, is their way of distancing themselves enough from the two players that by the time the sordid details reach the public, the Marlins aren't attached in any way.

PRACTICAL JOKE GOES AWRY Sometime over the weekend, Wes Helms and Logan Morrison snuck into Samson's house and stole all of this pink dress shirts. By the time Samson realized the prank, it was too late and he had no other shirts to wear to Photo Day. This infuriated Samson and he demanded they both be released. While releasing Helms wasn't a big deal, the organization refused to relase LoMo, instead optioning him to AAA to appease Samson. Oddly enough, Samson still hasn't realized -- and probably never will -- that they replaced all of his dress pants with clothes from Gap Kids.

LOMO DUI After a night of drinking in the dugout, Logan Morrison gets into his car and tries to drive home. Unfortunately, he hits a fan in the parking lot. Wes Helms, driving in the car behind Morrison, swerves and accidentally runs the same fan over again. At this point, the fan is still alive. Barely. In a state of panic Helms inexplicably backs up and runs the fan over again. Both men flee the scene and the fan dies in a pool of his own blood. The two players would've gotten away with the crime, but Helms breaks down in a tearful confession after getting pulled over for failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign in Parkland.

HELMS ROBS BANK, LOMO DRIVES GETAWAY CAR On Thursday morning, Wes Helms asks LoMo to drive him to Bank of America because his car has a flat tire. Upon pulling up to the front of the bank, Helms tells Morrison to wait in the car, that he'll be right out. Forty-five seconds later, Helms runs out of the bank in a ski mask, dives into the open door passenger side door and urges LoMo to speed away. It takes two days, but cops name Helms a suspect after talking with witnessess who say, "He was the most polite bank robber I've ever seen. Totally reminded me of my dad." Both are booked shortly after the game Saturday night.

That's all I can come up with, but I'm almost positive it's the beastiality one. If you've got any conspiracy theories of your own, feel free to leave them in the comments...


  1. Logan Morrison and Wes Helms took Jeffery Loria out for dinner by telling them that they were paying. They each ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. The Logan Morrison got a call and had to step outside and Wes Helms went to the bathroom. 10 minutes, then 20 minutes passed by and Loria realized that they had ditched him. He recieved the check and told the waiter that he'd send a Marlins player the next day to do the dishes so he didn't have to pay.

  2. Change the name of the blog to AAA With LoMo until he comes back. What assholes! The roster opens up in 2 weeks. Why send him down? No wonder no one's at the games when they pull shit like that on one of the most popular players.

    This is a huge mistake for business. They're trying to sell season tix for the new ballpark, and actions like this piss people off and make them hate ownership even more.