Friday, September 30, 2011

STATE OF THE BOOBIES ADDRESS 2011



Ladies and gentlemen, children, cats, dogs, single-celled organisms, lamp shades, desk chairs, various other inanimate objects and Dan Uggla:

Today, we look back on a trying season, a difficult season, physically and emotionally, and we reflect. We wonder what went wrong, where the promise of a brighter future somehow gave way to the harsh realities of a sobering present. But, while this is a day to look back and to wonder what might have been, it is also a day to look forward, toward the future, toward what could be. To see the prize in front of us and recognize that it is ours for the taking, right after we figure out how to beat the Nationals.

Oh, this season was long and it was torturous at times, but like my momma always said, "What doesn't kill you will only make you sick enough to go to the doctor, who won't be able to help you, so he'll send you to a specialist, who will probably overcharge you and misdiagnose your ailment, and you'll eventually wind up in the emergency room, where they'll pump you full of medication that will only make you stronger."

Fellow Marlinicans, we've been through a lot this year, but we've been through it all together, through thick and thin. From helping Donnie Murphy search deep within to understand his obvious homophobia, to breaking the bad news to John Baker about a child he may or may not have brought into this world, to exposing Logan Morrison's torrid affair with a small insect, we've come strong and made our mark on the blogosphere.

There were Mermaid scandals and coaching scandals and LoMo scandals and logo scandals. We annoyed some very prominent bloggers and became bestest buddies with some others. There were crazy people showing up to the stadium, strange women showing up on the JumboTron and naked men showing up in the outfield. And there were t-shirts. Oh my, were there t-shirts.

We created a game that swept the internet for seven whole minutes, ranking 4137th in Longest Running Memes according to the Internet World Record Committee. Success!

Along the way, we delighted in other teams' misery while wallowing in our own. We lost some good friends out there in JJ and Hanley and Edwin. But, we also got an old one back. And man, it was wonderful seeing him again.

At one point, we realized that this blog wasn't enough, so we took to the airwaves and made some bold predictions that, unfortunately, came true. Then, things really started to get out of hand when we began popping up in the most unlikely of places.

We got rid of Chris Volstad. And then we didn't.

We had a costume party. And then we didn't.

We had Leo Nunez. And then we didn't.

And through it all, through the heartache and the misery, we stayed the course, the goal always remaining the same: spending an evening at the strip club with Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton.

Our dream was never achieved, but Mike gave us some great moments this season, anyway. Thirty-four of them to be exact. And with each wonderful moment came an equally wonderful reward. His day at the Home Run Derby. The Stantongasm Meter®. The Stanton Face. Jiggling boobies. It was all chronicled right here on this blog for all to enjoy.

It is time we move on, though. On to a new place, with new clothes and a new logo. Gone are the empty bathrooms and baron concession stands of Joe Player Sun Shark Stadium. Gone is the faded logo of the University of Miami in short right field. Not gone, however, is the dream. The dream to one day be able to fist bump with Mike Stanton while the two of us get lap dances from coked out Russian women whose parents never paid them enough attention.

Yes, my fellow Marlinicans, the dream remains. And my hope is that next year, you'll join me again as the journey continues.

I'd like to close this address today with something my momma used to tell me when I was just a child. A saying I heard over and over. A saying that has stuck with me and helped mold me into the person I am today. She'd say:

"Son, success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well... Like eating pussy. Which is why I married your father."

Thank you. God bless you all, and may God bless this blog with unrealistic amounts of ad revenue.

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