Thursday, January 12, 2012

CARLOS ZAMBRANO ADOPTS GUATEMALAN BOY TO BEAT MERCILESSLY



The water coolers in As-Yet-Unnamed Marlins Ballpark are safe, at least for the time being, as Carlos Zambrano flew to Guatemala this week to adopt a young boy named Kenneth, who will likely serve as the 30-year-old pitcher's personal piƱata during especially bad outings this season.

In years past, "El Toro" (Which, loosely translated, means "The Suck".) has had no qualms about taking his frustrations out on a plastic container of water, but some members of the front office, concerned about the amount of money the Marlins have put into the new ballpark, have suggested he find other ways to release his anger. Which is exactly what Big Z plans on doing with his new toy.

One source close to Zambrano says that the pitcher's plans include "covering that little bitch in some Batman-type armor shit, maybe make him wear like a catcher's mask or something, and beating the fuck out of him with a bat."

Added Darren Rovell on Twitter, "Now accepting future Big Z headlines. Leader in the clubhouse: "OH MY GOD, HE KILLED KENNY"

Hopefully Zambrano, who's struggled the last few years, can turn things around and have a bounce back year with the Marlins in 2012. If not for Miami's playoff hopes, then at least for Kenneth.

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