Wednesday, March 14, 2012
MUSIC IS MY HOT, HOT SEX: GRADING THE MARLINS THEME SONGS
For the most part, the internet is a magical place where wonderful ideas take shape and ultimately find their way into your cubicle and onto your laptop. This is the beauty of the world we live in today. Unfortunately, with the good, comes the bad. And with the bad, comes the really bad. And with the really bad, comes Florida/Miami Marlins theme songs.
Yesterday, this godawful song made it to these here interwebs, invaded my ears and attacked my soul, leaving a lasting impression that won't soon be forgotten. (Sort of the way the new logo burned itself into my retinas.) Such are the dangers of the modern day internet.
But, hearing that musical abomination made me think. I mean, that song is bad—like, comically bad—but is it really the worst Marlins theme song ever? Are we really letting Scott Stapp off the hook that easily? There has to be worse.
I figured I'd take to YouTube to find out.
What you're about to read is a thorough breakdown of every Marlins theme song I could find. Some of these are official (as official as baseball theme songs get, anyway) and some of these are probably just the result of too much alcohol and free time. No matter what or why, though, they were all graded equally on a 20-point scale: 5 points for freshness, 5 points for lyrics, 5 points for originality, and in true sports fashion, 5 points for intangibles.
Here's we go…
"Marlins Will Soar" by Scott Stapp
Freshness: Creed was dead to the general music-loving population sometime in the late 90's, but that didn't stop the 2010 Marlins from digging up Scott Stapp's lifeless corpse for an encore performance. Timely! Freshness Rating: -2
Lyrics: "Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar. With a little faith and luck, you will soar." Basically, Scott Stapp is singing that it would take a fucking miracle for this team to succeed. Also, this might be something Stapp doesn't know, but Marlins aren't birds, so they don't soar. Ever. They swim. And they leap sometimes. But, they never ever ever soar. Ever. Goddammit, Scott Stapp, you music-ruining zebra penis.
Most embarassing lyric: "One strike, two strikes, swing away. A diving catch, a stolen base."
A fielder's choice. A sacrifice bunt. Just in case you didn't know random baseball terms, Stapp helpfully threw them into this song for no other reason than to fill the empty space between his signature scream-filled hooks. Lyrical Rating: -2
(If you want a good laugh, by the way, Marc Hochman, of Le Batard Show fame, did a spoof of this song, mocking its idiotic lyrics. Just wonderful stuff by Hoch. As always.)
Originality: Scott Stapp was so jacked to write this song for the Marlins—his most favoritest team in the whole wide world—that he completely ripped off his own song and never even bothered to change any of the lyrics in the hook. Couple that with the ridiculously stupid lyrics he did come up with and you have to figure that he wrote this song in, like, six minutes, tops. Originality Rating: -5
Intangibles: This song can be used to teach new baseball fans some casual terminology, so there's that. It can also be used against terrorists. Intangible Rating: -1
Overall: Not only did Scott Stapp unleash this steaming pile of musical shit upon Marlins fans' ears, but he also went ahead and murdered the National Anthem that season as well, may it rest in peace. In fact, over the course of his entire career Scott Stapp did nothing but take a giant, messy dump right in the music industry's mouth. In summary, fuck Scott Stapp with a giant splintered wooden dildo.
Overall Rating: -10
"Marlins Time To Represent" by Pitbull
Freshness: Now that I'm thinking back on it, this may've been the beginning of the Pitbull World Domination Tour. We started this, Marlins fans. This one was us. Our bad. On the bright side, that means this theme song came out before the whole world decided to hate Mr. 305, so it was at least kinda fresh at the time. Freshness Rating: 4
Lyrics: Not a whole lot going on here, but I guess the same can be said for any Pitbull song. A lot of repetition, especially of the "Let's go Marlins" variety. There's really only about 20 seconds where he says anything other than that, but those words are so bland, they aren't even worth mentioning. He does throw in some Spanish here and there, so that's cool. Though, I don't know Spanish, so he could be singing about mutant goldfish in those spots and I'd have no idea.
Most embarrassing lyric: "I want all the fans to stand up get your hands up. When that pitcher throw that ball, holler, "Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!"
Yeah, um, nobody do this. Lyrical Rating: 2
Originality: Much like Scott Stapp's "Marlins Will Soar", this song is really just an old Pitbull song redone to include the word "Marlins." The thing about Pitbull, though, is that all of his songs sound like cheap imitations of his other songs, so this wasn't so much Pitbull being lazy as it was Pitbull being, well, Pitbull. Originality Rating: 2
Intangibles: Pitbull has become as much a part of the Marlins as Jeff Conine, Muscle Boy and that one beer vendor with that strange dinosaur hat. Intangible Rating: 3
Overall: If 2011 taught us anything, it's that you can't kill Mr Worldwide. When humans cease to exist, there will still be cockroaches and Pitbull. Might as well embrace him.
Overall Rating: 11
"We Are The Marlins!"
Freshness: Nothing says "modern" like bad 80's music, right? This song has a very Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine feel to it, which is cool, I guess, since that's pretty distinctively Miami. Unfortunately, it's also pretty distinctively 1988. I actually felt a little out of place while listening to this when I looked down and realized I wasn't wearing my Z Cavaricci's. Freshness Rating: 1
Lyrics: Most team fight songs sound like they were written by third graders—probably because there aren't a lot of sophisticated ways to sing about professional athletes—but this one is especially awful. "M-A-R-L-I-N-S. We are the Marlins. Go Fish!" sounds like something a middle school cheer squad would belt out. It probably also doesn't help that that part is done group-yelling style, which always makes your song less cool. Always. Just ask The All-American Rejects.
Most embarrassing lyric: "Make a date with the Marlins, those Miami Darlins."
There are definitely some other winners in there, but, I mean, it's 2012 and the only people left on Earth who refer to other people as "darlings" live in nursing homes. Although, that might draw the Boca crowd back in, so maybe I have mixed feelings about that line.
The one thing I will say about these lyrics is that they're catchy as hell and easy to remember, which is probably the most important part of any good theme song. Lyrical Rating: 3
Originality: Is it possible that a song can sound completely unique, while also sounding like it was copied from a half million other songs? Because that's kinda how I feel about this one. You wouldn't be surprised if someone made this from scratch, but you also wouldn't be surprised if I told you this was from a kids CD. Originality Rating: 2
Intangibles: Pandering to the old Spanish crowd is a nice touch, as is the nostalgia of the Gloria Era. And like I said, it's fun and catchy. Definitely something you can see little kids dancing to on the JumboTron. Intangible Rating: 4
Overall: This leaked yesterday as the Marlins official song, but David Samson went on with Dan Le Batard in the afternoon and was adamant that it was not a Miami Marlins creation. And as we've learned in the past, when David Samson says something, he's totally not lying at all, especially about leaks. I'm inclined to believe him this time, though. Personally, I'd be shocked if this were the real deal.
Overall Rating: 10
"MIAMI (2012 Marlins Anthem) by DC
Freshness: It has a pretty cool beat and it actually feels like it was made in the last few years, which is a definite plus. Also, my head bobbed at least twice during the song. Also, Auto-Tune, sucka! Freshness Rating: 4
Lyrics: It's like I always say, anytime you can work in a Rich Waltz/Tommy Hutton reference, you've got lyrical gold on your hands. (No, really, I always say that.) Other gems include references to Heath Bell's eating habits, rain delays and a delightfully random manager roll call.
Most embarrassing lyric: "I love South Florida. That's what I ride for. 3-0-5... 9-5-4."
Let's not kid ourselves, DC. Nobody "rides" for Broward County. Otherwise, the lyrics are pretty strong. Lyrical Rating: 5
Originality: I mean, the kid made it himself. It doesn't get more original than that. Plus, he didn't go the tired route of making a generic cheerleading song like everyone else. He actually put effort into these timely lyrics. And, really, in today's society of lazy sloths, that should be commended. Originality Rating: 5
Intangibles: The guy who did this seems like a legitimate Marlins fan and a pretty cool dude. Not saying I'd wanna sit next to him at the ballpark, but if I had to, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. The production value isn't as good as Pitbull's video, obviously, but what he lacks in camera work and lighting, he more than makes up for in energy. There's also a crafty hat-switch that I found pretty neat. These are the little details that don't go unnoticed around here. Also, it's worth noting that the Auto-Tune doesn't necessarily make me hate this song, which normally wouldn't be the case. I can't explain that. I do have to take away a point for all the nonsense in the beginning, though. We don't need an introduction to your Marlins song, kid. It's a Marlins song. That's pretty much all there is to it. Intangible Rating: 4
Overall: Do yourself a favor and skip to the 1:20 mark; the Ozzie impersonation that precedes it is all kinds of terrible and might make you hate an otherwise enjoyable video. As for the song itself? Easily the best of the bunch. A pretty excellent job that deserves its 15-minutes of internet fame.
Overall Rating: 18
So, there you have it. Scott Stapp is still the worst thing to ever happen to the Marlins. Worse than Super Saturdays. Worse than Bark at the Park. Worse than the time the Cantor from my temple sang the National Anthem on Jewish Heritage Night and got the words wrong. So, rest easy, Marlins fans. And know that whatever musical abomination the Marlins unveil on April 4th, it couldn't possibly be any more horrific than "Marlins Will Soar."