In case you didn't already think the guy who created the Marlins' ridiculous home run sculpture was a certified crazy person, Joe Capozzi went ahead and solved that mystery for you by interviewing him and finding out that the version of Nightmare In Motion currently sitting inside the ballpark today was originally supposed to be even more stupider.
You should definitely watch the video, because there's nothing quite like a creepy old man who paints like a third grader and speaks like a pedophile. Also, because nothing captures "batshit insane" quite like a shaky camera and unnecessary close-ups. But, if you decide that's not for you, here's the CliffsNotes version:
As it stands now, Krusty the Clown's Bringer of Acid Dreams & Assorted Fish is only set to go off during home runs, but Red Grooms's original idea was to treat it like "a game" where it would go off after EVERY. GODDAMN. HIT. No, for real, look:
If the Marlins were to get a single…
A single, lonely, yellow marlin would float across a lowly arch. HOORAY, SINGLES!
But, what about a double?
BOOM! PELICANS, BITCH! Actually, this is my favorite part of the whole video, because Grooms seems genuinely upset about the Marlins decision to leave the cartoonish birds out. I think if it were entirely up to Crazy Ole' Red Grooms, this whole monstrosity might be made of pelicans. Bubble letters and pelicans, that's what Miami does.
Of course, if one of the Marlins were to hit a triple…
We'd move up one more level of the structure, to the third arch, where a marlin would dart across, while the words "TRIPLE TRIPLE TRIPLE" flashed under it. (You see, because you get three bases for a triple, so the word needs to be shown three times, because it's like symbolism and because we're all too dumb to understand that without the artist slapping us right in the face with it.)
And all of this logically builds up to the sculpture's Stantongasmesque, homoerotic climax…
HOME RUN!!! FIREWORKS AND COLORS AND FISH AND PELICANS AND UNICORNS AND SNOWFLAKES AND BUNNIES AND DILDOS!!!
Of course, Grooms wasn't done bringing the crazy. See the word "HOMER" written at the top of Rainbow Orgasm Mountain? Not only was that supposed to signify that a player indeed hit a homer, but it was also supposed to be the name of the marlin floating across the top of the sculpture. No, for real. DUDE NAMED THE MARLIN IN HIS ARTWORK. You know, like a mascot. Like the one we already have. Named Billy. Who isn't a blatant rip-off of the Dolphins mascot. Named TD. Like the scoring play. Like Homer.
"And then I thought of the fish being called Homer. I was hoping that would catch on, but it didn't really. I was hoping that he—Homer would be kind of like a character."Aw. He'll always be Homer to me, Red. He'll always be Homer to me.
(Video/Interview by Joe Capozzi)