Tuesday, May 22, 2012

GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON HOMERS AND WE LEARN THAT YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS HAIKU THING

Typically, around these parts, we capitalize the entire GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON name. Why? Because he deserves it. And why does he deserve it? Well, last night GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON stepped to the plate with the bases loaded and murdered a baseball. Again. He also murdered a scoreboard. He's been convicted on seven counts of awesome.

Afterward, the challenge was put out to you, the fine readers of this blog and followers of my tweets, to channel your inner Matsuo Bashō, and offer up your best GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku. It wasn't pretty and your third grade teacher probably hates you, but let's take a look anyway…

Our first entry comes from @fakemarlinsfan, whose 3-3-5 technique is either brilliant or the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Hard hit ball
Screen broken
Underwear ruined

Not content with his first attempt, @fakemarlinsfan tries again, this time employing a 6-6-5 style. So, so close.

Stanton hits the big screen
Jumbotron is damaged
Hymens are destroyed

The fakes weren't done, though, as @FakeSamson stopped by and hit us with his attempt at haiku, which also just happened to be a collection of random syllables.

Home runs are cool
In the big, huge ballpark
They fly up so high

4-6-5? I mean, really? Who done learned you guys?

Not all of you were huge disappointments, though. Some of you actually understand the concept of 5-7-5. For instance, here's @KnightTom, who quickly realized that writing the first line of a GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku is pretty much the easiest thing ever.

Giancarlo Stanton
Yellow mustard on his dong
Salami, booyah!

There's just so much to love about that haiku. I wanna hug it.

Next up, @Paposaurus gives us the greatest first five syllables ever put in haiku form...

Dong, Dong, Monster Dong
He hits them really long, DONG
He is twenty-two 

Dong, Dong, Monster Dong
That haiku started out strong
The end, though? I mean…

@domkleinhenz decided to join the fun with a haiku that may or may not have been written by AP Wire Services.

Old man on the mound
Giancarlo at bat, full count
Grand slam, monster dong

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, another delightful Marlins blog, Marlins Diehards (@MarlinsDiehards), presented two to choose from. I couldn't decide which was better, so I posted 'em both.

Grand slam? I'm having
Trouble hiding my Stanton
Boner on the bus

One day Monster Dongs
Will be FDA-approved
Treatments for ED

And, of course, my haiku offerings...

When Giancarlo bats
Panties drop in Miami
RIP scoreboard

So, Ozzie watches
As Stanton murders baseballs
Then bats Kearns cleanup

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