Tuesday, May 1, 2012

THE MIAMI MARLINS HATE JEWISH PEOPLE

Dear whomever is in charge of food at Marlins Park,

Yesterday, I called in sick and took my future brother-in-law to the ballpark to catch another disappointing Heath Bell outing. (He DID NOT disappoint!) Love the team. Love the park. Love the atmosphere…Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate the kosher food.

As a practicing Jew, my future b-i-l keeps kosher. And as a good future b-i-l, I chose to respect that by not eating a pulled pork sandwich right in front of him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

It wasn't.

We'll start with the hamburger, which wasn't so much a hamburger as it was a small piece of white-ish meat on a soggy bun. The future b-i-l tells me that it was lacking in flavor, but I wouldn't know because I covered mine with french fries and doused the entire thing in ketchup and mustard. I wasn't taking chances.

Then, there's the roast beef sandwich. Considering how amazing the food is throughout the rest of the ballpark, one would assume that the ($143, roughly) kosher roast beef sandwich is where it's at. Sadly, it is not. It is not many things, actually. One of those things would be hot. How the hell do you charge that much money (meaning anything over $6) for cold cuts on a bun? That's horseshit.

And, of course, the french fries were small and bland and soggy. But, whatever, they're french fries. Cover 'em in ketchup and they taste like ketchupy potatoes.

The prices, while a little higher than other concession stands (which is to be expected, because when Jewish people take the flavor out of something, it makes that something infinitely more valuable), weren't ohmygod crazy ridiculous compared to their non-kosher counterparts, so that was nice. Although, that was also the problem.

Despite what people may think, kosher food can be pretty good. (I'm actually having a kosher wedding, despite never keeping kosher in my life.) The reason it gets a bad rap, though, is because of places like this. It's not some foreign concept; cheap ingredients and half-assed preparation is going to get you bad food no matter where you go, kosher or not. And, believe me, this food was bad. Like, super-duper bad.

Here's the solution the future b-i-l and I hastily threw together while sitting in bumper-to-bumper 836-W traffic…

CHARGE. MORE. 

Listen, I know it sounds crazy, but think about it. At a ballpark, you're already expecting to pay more for food. And if you're Jewish and you keep kosher, then you're probably used to paying even more for your food. Now, I understand that the Marlins are trying to keep the prices reasonable, and that's a lovely gesture—really, it is—but, just jack up the prices and get me a hot roast beef sandwich, already. Get me a burger that doesn't taste like it just came out of a ten-year-old Lean Cuisine box. Do something with the fries. Anything. Even if that anything costs me an extra $3-4. Nine dollar french fries? As long as they're awesome, that's fine. We paid $41 for food. We would've happily paid $60.

C'mon, we're Jewish. We have the money.

Love always,
SCWS

(Photo via this place)

3 comments:

  1. milhouse trabajoMay 1, 2012 at 9:38 AM

    thanks for the heads up, first kosher food review i've seen for the new park. Would tell you that the kosher stand in Citi Field is actually very good, mainly because they stick to classics. usually limited to hot dogs and italian sausages (Abels & Heyman) with sauteed onions/peppers, along with knishes and pretzels. i think they used to have burgers, but that is rare now, as cheap burgers don't taste nearly as good as cheap dogs.
    in any event, he isn't a real practicing jew, as the first deli meat you order at a new place is the pastrami (or if you speak yiddish, the corned beef). everything else will depend on how they handled the pastrami. but don't jump to roast beef, which can be bad even at a good place.

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  2. You shouldn't blame the Matlins I think the restsurants are privately owned. I did try their hot dogs and found them chew like over cooked and bum was saggy. Also bought the shrimp burguer first inning and was told they had run out of bread. Hopefully this issues get resolved

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    1. Those privately owned restaurants were still contracted by the organization, so it's technically still the Marlins who can fix the problem. That shrimp burger, by the way, is like an orgasm in your mouth. I mean, if you're into that sorta thing.

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