Monday, June 18, 2012

THE MIAMI MARLINS RETROACTIVE FATHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE

Father's Day was this weekend and even though some of your favorite Miami Marlins aren't daddies just yet, it doesn't mean they shouldn't have gotten a present. (I'm generous that way.) Here are my suggestions for some of the guys on the team...

Emilio Bonifacio – Lensless glasses

Lo Viste? Actually, no, I didn't see that. No viste. But what better way to viste than we these lensless glasses? I mean, they would seem to be useless, but then you realize that LeBron wears them so maybe they make you Superman. Only then you realize that Dwyane Wade wears them, too, so maybe they make your hands go completely numb from time to time. There really is no telling.

Logan Morrison – Billy Bass

Billy Bass was Logan Morrison before Logan Morrison was Logan Morrison—funny for about 30 seconds before the novelty wears off and you just wanna take a hammer to his face and get him to shut up already. In fact, sometimes I find Billy Bass less annoying than Morrison. If Billy could bat .250, I'd trade LoMo in a second.

Justin Ruggiano – A billboard off I-95

Nobody has any idea who Justin Ruggiano is. Like, nobody. Every time I'm watching a Marlins game and Ruggiano pops up on my screens, I'm all like, "WHOA, WHO?" It still happens every game. I'm never not surprised and confused all at once when I see him.

John Buck – Ace of Base Greatest Hits

Ace of Base... Greatest Hits... You know, because those are two things he isn't very good at... Get it? GET IT????

Heath Bell – Ice Cream of the Month Club

Up until about forty-five seconds ago, I had no idea this was a thing that existed. I'm now a member. If anyone ever asks you why the internet is so wonderful, you now have the appropriate link to send them.

Ozzie Guillen – A tie

We're into the middle of June and I'm pretty sure Ozzie would be more than happy to get at least a tie at this point.

Jose Reyes – Hanley Ramirez

Hanley Ramirez – Jose Reyes

Bryan Petersen – Travel-sized Connect Four

Fun for those long flights and bus rides...

GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON – RealDoll
To borrow the hottest new phrase going around the interwebs these day, GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON CAME TO FUCK.

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