Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Yesterday, I introduced you to #WAARF Records. Today, you'll meet the final 33.33333% of the #WAARF crew. His name is @Rizzmiggizz, he's the lyrical genius behind #WAARF, you can read his profanity-laced thoughts at Miami Heat Nation, and he's quite possibly the reason you'll be pulling your hair out when the Marlins finish dead last in the NL East again this year. Sure, it sounds crazy, that one man could have such a profound effect on something that would seemingly be out of any one person's control, but that's the way curses work. Just ask the fine people of Boston and Chicago. Wait, what? A curse? The Curse of Rizz's Balls? What are you talking about SCWS? Here, I'll let Rizz explain...

SCWS: Okay, I know that you don't particularly love Hanley, and I know that Hanley has a baseball of yours, but do me a favor and connect the dots for the readers. What's the actual story behind this now-infamous baseball?

RIZZ: Spring Training 2010, Marlins vs. Cards. I'm not much of an autograph guy, but I scored some first row seats and was there way too early. I had noticed at the concession stand, they were selling baseballs for $12, so I picked one up and joined the group of people throwing balls onto the field to get signed. Having no idea how this worked, I noticed basically you make eye contact with a player, he points in your general direction, and you toss him the ball. This "system" worked for a few players, and then I got the nod from Mr. H2R. I soft tossed him the ball, he caught it, and everything seemed to be going according to plan... until a Trainer walked up to Hanley, breaking the system and his concentration. They had a good old laugh and next thing I know, Hanley is rolling my ball to the pitchers mound, apparently totally forgetting what he was in the process of doing or how he acquired this ball in his hands. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed, but what was I gonna do, make a scene? You would figure the ball with the signatures would get tossed out of batting practice, but NOPE! I watched as it got mixed in with 10,000 other balls in a basket some asswipe was using to collect the infield balls in. RIZZ'S BALL GONE FOREVER. It crossed my mind to rush the field, but the $12 and a Badenhop/John Baker signature didn't seem worth the jail time, so I decided against it. Butt cheeks.

SCWS: Hanley's numbers are a little up from last year (okay, barely), but he's still having the second worst season of his career. Given that information, how comical is the idea that, for motivation, Hanley swings a bat with your Twitter handle on it, and how stupid is that commercial going to look when he finishes the season batting .243 with 72 RBIs?

RIZZ: Hanley can write my Twitter handle on his balls and teabag me; it's not gonna help him suck less. Maybe worry less about tweets and more about shortening up your ridiculous Lo Viste swing? He swings like someone is painting him. He gets bigger and bigger every year. Maybe he needs to lose some weight and speed up his swing. H2R is 162 for his last 661—.245. If Hanley is going to be a 245 22 HR 100 RBI guy the rest of his career, fine. I just wish fans would stop acting like he cant be replaced and its CRAAAAAAZZZZYYY TALK to speak of him being traded. Shouldn't have stolen my ball, dick!

SCWS: If you could meet Hanley face-to-face and ask him any one question, what would it be?

RIZZ: How do you say, "You owe me twelve dollars" in Spanish?

(Ed note: "Usted me debe doce dólares." At least, according to the crappy translator I just found on the internet.)

SCWS: A signed jersey, free mariquitas, throwing out the first pitch, singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"... What would it take for you to lift The Curse of Rizz's Balls?

RIZZ: I'd like to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"… but at a Miami Heat game. While Burnie holds me like a baby.

SCWS: So, since you probably won't be singing in Burnie's arms anytime soon (Maybe you could do a duet with that little National Anthem girl?), are the Marlins just stuck with this curse now? I mean, is this relationship permanently damaged or is there still some sort of "reverse the curse" thing the Marlins can work out?

RIZZ: It's hard to say I "cursed" a team I root for daily, but if they want to make things right in the Universe, free drinks for the wronged fan is worth a try.

SCWS: Are you at all concerned that this interview has the potential to spawn a @HanleysCursedBall Twitter account?

RIZZ: The cooling fan he punched has a Twitter Account. It's all uphill from there.

SCWS: Last question, as always: yellow or golden mustard?

RIZZ: Honey Mustard is the mustard, but if we are talking on a hot dog, it's golden mustard FTW. I only use Yellow Mustard to masturbate.

Rizzmiggizz is a professional reporter for Miami Heat Nation. When the Heat won the 2012 NBA Championship, he snuck into American Airlines Arena and rubbed his balls on the champagne-soaked carpet. When he isn't loving the Heat, he's loathing the Miami Dolphins and the existence of Omar Kelly. I have no idea if his name is pronounced "Rizz-ma-gizz" or "Rizz-ma-jizz". He also says fuck a lot. You should follow him on Twitter at @Rizzmiggizz.

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