Thursday, July 5, 2012
LET'S ALL CELEBRATE THE FIFTH OF JULY AND—OH HEY LOOK, CARLOS LEE
As has been tradition around here for quite some time¹, Strip Club With Stanton would like to take a moment to celebrate the Fifth of July. You know, the day when you roll out of bed with a massive hangover, completely forgetting that you actually have to go to work. The day when you sit on the toilet and suddenly remember—RUH-ROH!—you ate like 27 hot dogs the day before. Yes, the Fifth of July. Let's all take a moment to celebrate...
Okay, we done? Now, go throw up in the trash bin at your cubicle and pull yourself together for a ten-hour workday. But before you begin doing any actual work, let's get you caught up on what's been going on...
• The Marlins traded for Carlos Lee, signaling the end of the Gaby Sanchez experiment. Shortly thereafter, Gaby Sanchez hit a two-out, game-tying homer in the ninth inning and was rewarded appropriately by Marlins brass. That reward? New Orleans! Say hi to Bryan Petersen for us.
• And how did the Marlins acquire Carlos Lee? Well, say goodbye to Matt Dominguez, who takes his unorthodox style of stopping baseballs with his face to the Houston Astros minor league system. Congratulations, Matt. Everything's bigger in Texas. Facial contusions included.
• Carlos Lee isn't any good. That's what people are saying, anyway. To those people, I'd say this: Um, have you been watching Gaby Sanchez????!?
• Heath Bell blew a save and then was perfectly okay the next night, but everyone's panicking anyway. Listen, I know it's hard to forget the first month of the season, but since May 4th, Heath Bell has been just fine. He's blown a couple of saves and had a few crappy outings since then, but unless your closer's name is Mariano Rivera, that's what you get in Major League Baseball. The difference, of course, is that Heath Bell makes a lot of money and people get disproportionately angry when it's a rich guy doing the failing, as opposed to an inexpensive failure like Chad Gaudin or Ryan Webb. It's a really stupid, simple-minded way of looking at things, but unfortunately them's the breaks.
• Probably the biggest news in the entire galaxy right now, though, is that GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON is hurt and might not be ready for the Home Run Derby and/or All Star Game festivities and also may or may not be out for the year if you believe everything you read on Twitter which you shouldn't but I'm scared anyway. Married men from Missouri should be especially concerned about this news, since GCMS in the HRD meant automatic P in the VaG on Monday night. Get well soon, GIANCARLO. Thousands upon thousands of sexless marriages are counting on you.
¹ This particular tradition started today, when I forgot to post something on the Fourth of July.