Friday, July 27, 2012

OF FIRE SALES AND SLOPPY BLOWJOBS: AN OPEN LETTER TO JEFF PASSAN


Dear Jeff Passan,

Despite what you may have read on the internet, I don't think that you're a troll, an asshole, or the goatse of American sports journalism. (I never actually said that last one, but it was probably only a matter of time.) In fact, I find you to be a fine scribe, an excellent stringer-together-of-words. I also think that, when it comes to the Miami Marlins, you might just be a wee bit too concerned with gloatingly advancing a narrative to write anything worth paying attention to.

Look, I get it, you're not all that fond of Jeffrey Loria. That doesn't make you special, though; it makes you America (and select provinces of Canada). There's literally nothing to like about that sweaty balloon of a billionaire. He built the city a beautiful new ballpark, then used the inside as his own personal tribute to the worst artwork ever seen by human eyes. We've got a giant mechanical home run sculpture, replete with cartoon flamingos and dancing fish. Have you witnessed our random mutated sea creatures race? It's just like the Presidents Race in Washington, minus all of its endearing qualities. Our outfield wall is lime green, Jeff. Lime. Fucking. Green. This is a man who once celebrated a Hanley Ramirez batting title the exact way you'd expect a guy like Jeffrey Loria to celebrate a Hanley Ramirez batting title: by plastering the feat all over an unnecessarily gaudy piece of jewelry that no batting champion—not even one as self-absorbed and arrogant as Hanley—would ever be caught dead wearing. Every single thing that repugnant slimeball of a human being does is to remind everyone that he's got a shit ton of money. He's every snotty rich kid you ever hated back in high school. You're allowed to hate him. You're allowed distrust. Nobody's against you on that.

Here are the two main problems I have with your fire sale column, though:

Trading Omar Infante and Anibal Sanchez was a smart baseball move for a team well under .500, coming up on the trade deadline. And the Hanley Ramirez deal was absolutely a salary dump—but an understandable one, considering his decline over the last two years and the money left on his contract. I can go on, but plenty of people smarter people than myself have already written about the absurdity of these particular moves signaling yet another fire sale.

My second objection, and easily your more glaring mistake, was that you were probably going to be right eventually, anyway. I promise you. This isn't so much a question of if as it is a question of when. (I've got June 2014 in the office pool, myself.) So, why inanely shoehorn this narrative into these last few moves, moves with legitimate purpose, when you could have bided your time and waited for the real fire sale to actually happen, giving you an even greater platform to kick Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins square in the junk?

The Marlins—slutty, transparent girl that they are—were more than willing to give you the sloppy blowjob you were expecting…in time. But, you weren't sure, you doubted it for just a moment, and so you settled for a dry handy on the sofa. Poorly played.

No harm in waiting these things out, Jeff. Now, if the money from the Hanley deal actually does wind up going back into the on-field product, you're going to look like every bit the biased jerkface some people already think you are.

Next time, just keep quiet. Have patience. The time will come. Unfortunately for the narrative, this last week might not have been it.

Sincerely,
SCWS


(Update: Headline adjusted as per Jeff's request.)

2 comments:

  1. 3rd to last paragraph. thank you, scws.

    ReplyDelete