Tuesday, August 21, 2012

SO GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY LAST NIGHT... (8/20/12)


It was my birthday yesterday—you may've noticed this on Twitter—so why don't we take a look at some of the presents I received. In no particular order…

1. The Franchise: A Season with the Miami Marlins Justin Ruggiano, Donovan Solano and Other Nondescript Baseball Players was canceled. Which is probably for the best, since it was quickly becoming the most depressing thing on television. Even executives at Lifetime Network thought it was getting to be a bit much.

2. John Buck homered and went 4-for-5, raising his batting average from .188 to .198… Yes, you read that right. John Buck is like .002 away from the Mendoza line! [Pause for celebration.]

3. GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON celebrated my birthday by launching two ridiculous bombs, killing six Diamondbacks fans and impregnating three others (which is odd, because one of them was a man). He now has 26 monster dongs on the season and has had sex with your wife more times than you can imagine. There's a reason she's smiling while you're watching the game.

So, yeah, happy birthday to me. Thanks for the presents GCMS!

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