It was my birthday yesterday—you may've noticed this on Twitter—so why don't we take a look at some of the presents I received. In no particular order…
1. The Franchise: A Season with
2. John Buck homered and went 4-for-5, raising his batting average from .188 to .198… Yes, you read that right. John Buck is like .002 away from the Mendoza line! [Pause for celebration.]
3. GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON celebrated my birthday by launching two ridiculous bombs, killing six Diamondbacks fans and impregnating three others (which is odd, because one of them was a man). He now has 26 monster dongs on the season and has had sex with your wife more times than you can imagine. There's a reason she's smiling while you're watching the game.
So, yeah, happy birthday to me. Thanks for the presents GCMS!