Friday, September 14, 2012

BLEACHER REPORTER TO OZZIE GUILLEN: "YOU GOT SLIDESHOW SERVED, DAWG!"

It's almost unfair to do this, because it's Bleacher Report—I mean, really—but, it's Friday and I'm bored, so I'm sorry, featured columnist Brandon Shaw, but this is how it has to be...

The headline reads: Miami Marlins: Ozzie Guillen's Biggest Blunders in His First Season as Manager

And it's a slideshow. Oh, this should be fun.

Shaw lists all the players who underperformed (though, he misses a few obvious ones) before dropping this line on us...
The person you could blame the most for the Marlins terrible play is manager Ozzie Guillen. The outspoken manager who came to Miami with the intention of winning a championship will now finish the season in last place.
 Oh, man. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of this. TO THE SLIDES!


Slide #1: Agreeing to be featured on The Franchise
It may not have been Ozzie's decision to accept the offer to be featured on Showtime's, "The Franchise", but he certainly had a say in it.

As much as it made sense at the time—new ballpark, players, brand name, etc—it was not the best baseball decision.
I'm pretty sure being featured on The Franchise did nothing—like, literally, zero—to affect the play on the field. Except that time they let the Showtime cameraman play center field when Bonifacio got hurt. Looking back on it, that was probably not the best baseball move.


Slide #2: Fidel Castro Comments
When Ozzie Guillen uttered the phrase "I love Fidel Castro" in a Time Magazine article, it was harmful in so many ways.

It created disgruntled fans and angered the general public of Miami just as the season began. Guillen was suspended five games and created a whirlwind of controversy as to whether or not he should have kept his job.
It's true. Ozzie Guillen caused a "whirlwind of controversy" that angered seven Cuban people, all between the ages of 93 and 107. The protest lasted about 12 minutes before everyone involved realized they'd rather be at La Carreta anyway.


Slide #3: Trusting in Heath Bell
Bell has seven blown saves on the year with five losses and a 5.53 ERA. He got off to a bad start which should have been enough of a warning sign for Guillen to reduce his role as closer.
Okay, fine, you win this round, Bleacer Report Guy. The only person who defended Heath Bell more than this guy right here was Ozzie. Our bad.


Slide #4: Not Being Able to Control Hanley Ramirez
Ozzie failed and eventually the organization lost patience with Ramirez and shipped him off to the Dodgers. His performance with the Dodgers have to make the Marlins cringe; he has 10 HR, 38 RBI and a .260 AVG in just 45 games with his new team.
I do not think that word "cringe" means what you think it means. With the Dodgers, Hanley's OBP is the lowest of his career. (He's getting on base only slightly more than Rod Barajas.) His home runs are up, but it's such a small sample size that—OH MY GOD, YOU SUCKED ME IN! I ALMOST FELL FOR IT.

Hanley probably isn't worth the $97,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 the Dodgers have to pay him now. You know that. Everyone knows that. Jerkface.

Also, everyone knows the only way to control Hanley is with Scooby Snacks.


Slide #5: Carlos Zambrano Experiment
While his attitude has surely calmed down from his fiery days in Chicago, his pitching performance has not improved. The Carlos Zambrano in Miami experiment will go down as a failure but at least it was worth a try. Right, Ozzie?
Well, considering the Cubs paid the majority of his contract and he was pretty good for a while, even though everyone thought he'd suck? Yes, actually. The only disappointment with Zambrano is that he didn't kill anybody. Do you know how hard it is to blog about Carlos Zambrano when he's sane? It's awful.

(Quick note on Carlos Zambrano. I wanted to use the phrase "the Cubs had to eat his contract" to make fun of Zambrano's weight, but I ran into him after a game one night and the dude looks pretty svelt. I liked the world a lot better when I thought Carlos Zambrano was a giant snow globe.

So, there ya go. Five of Ozzie Guillen's biggest blunders that might not have been blunders, because they were probably smart baseball moves and/or he didn't actually have a say and/or the decisions he might not have had a say in probably didn't affect player performance.

No comments:

Post a Comment