Friday, December 7, 2012


Actual name of new third baseman.
You probably stopped paying attention to the offseason happenings of the Miami Poop Flinging Monkeys weeks ago because you felt like things couldn't possibly get any more depressing. You were wrong. Obviously.

Where to start? Oh, I know...

You might wanna return that Yunel Escobar jersey you just bought, because in an attempt to acquire even more baseball players you've never heard of, the team shipped him to Tampa for something called a Derek Dietrich. Turns out, Escobar had reservations about shifting from short to third, which something something something, Hanley joke!

In other news, the Marlins went into the Rule 5 Draft and came out with Alfredo Silverio, who... well... this:
Silverio is a hard-luck story of major proportions, with his career in limbo because of injuries suffered in a horrific car crash last January in the Dominican Republic. 
They also took Braulio Lara, who... um... this:
"Big arm," Beinfest said. "If he throws strikes, I think we may have something.

And here's Clark Spencer with a very positive take on Mike Redmond's first season as manager:
Mike Redmond is no stranger to bad baseball with low expectations and an angry fan base. So the situation he inherits now as the newest manager of the Marlins is not a ton different than the one he experienced as a rookie catcher with the 1998 Marlins.

Hey, remember Adam Greenberg? (Because he sure doesn't. HEYO!) Yeah, the guy who got hit in the head in his first ever at-bat in 2005, then struck out on three pitches in his second ever at-bat last year? The Marlins have no interest in bringing him back. They can strike out on their own, thankyouverymuch.

It isn't all bad, though. Fish Stripes says Austin Barnes is ready for a breakout seas--OHMYGOD MAKE IT STOP.

And, finally, after almost two full years of writing this nonsense, all-caps sensation and namesake of the blog, GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON responded to me on Twitter:

He then promptly retweeted my Heath Bell fat joke:


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