Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

NOW YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MARLINS AND EAT THEM TOO



I don't really know what to say about this other than it's brought to you by the one of the guys who contributes to Chris Creamer's sportslogos.net and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE MARLINS LOGO MADE OUT OF VARIOUS NACHO PRODUCTS.

This apparently found its way to the internet sometime in November, but somehow I'm seeing it for the first time this morning. How does that even happen? Why have you people failed me?

In any case, there it is. The top of the mountain. Modern art has reached its limits. There is officially nothing we can do with a blank canvas that would be more amazing than what you're looking at right now.

My stick figures feel so insignificant today...

When Sawx Hated Fish [foogos]

Friday, January 27, 2012

SCWS CLASS PARTY: SUMMER CAMP WITH MARIAH CAREY



After a long week of not getting anything done at work because you were reading blogs about sports and stick figures all day, you must be exhausted. Totally understandable. That's why every Friday afternoon, SCWS will be throwing a huge party to celebrate. Kinda like in 3rd grade, when your teacher would completely give up on trying to teach you fractions and instead just bring in pizza and show movies all day and then you'd go home at 2:30. Yeah, those days were awesome. Enjoy.

What we're watching...



FernGully: The Last Rainforest

I watched this movie in elementary school and remember thinking, "I'm never going to mess with the environment again because there are like fairies and shit out there, and what if I'm destroying their land and maybe killing them." The other morning I got out of my car at work and threw a gum wrapper on the ground in the parking lot. Clearly, this movie left a lasting impression.

What we're snacking on...



Sno-Caps & Popcorn

Directions: Pop one bag of buttered(!!!) popcorn and immediately pour it into a bowl. Don't wait. Sprinkle one box of Sno-Caps into the bowl while the popcorn is still hot. Mix everything around a little bit. (Not too much, because then all of the Sno-Caps will wind up at the bottom and that sucks.) Make love to the bowl.

What we're listening to...



Mariah Carey - "Always Be My Baby"

When this song came out, I was 14 and had just been to a summer camp for the first time the year before, so I was still sort of new to the whole thing. I remember watching this video constantly and always wondering if that's what camp was going to be like the next year. Log cabins, camp fires, the girl I had a crush on sneaking out in the middle of the night to go swimming with me... Then I remembered that I went to a day camp, so shit like this could NEVER actually happen. So disappointing.

I did find out, however, that camp counselors are exactly like the irresponsible assholes in this video, drinking shitty beer and playing banjo by the fire while the kids are pretending to sleep. When I eventually became a counselor, myself, we'd have these two-day trips to Disney World where we'd spend one night with the kids at a hotel. We did this twice a summer for the 6+ years I worked there, and I swear to God, every single time, once all of the kids were checked-in to their rooms, wearing their pajamas and ready to go to bed, 93% of the staff would meet in one counselor's room and get DRUNK. AS. SHIT. And then there'd always be two people who decided to "turn in for the night", except everyone knew that what they really went to do was have sloppy, drunken sex because it's summer camp and you're working with these same assholes every day, so there's bound to be some serious sexual tension between people.

And, of course, the next day was hell because you we're trying to wander around Magic Kingdom for twelve hours in the blazing heat with an unbelievable hangover, running on two hours of sleep because you decided to stay up till 4:00 a.m. getting completely blasted the night before.

The moral of the story, obviously, is never send your kids to summer camp. Nobody's watching them.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

THE MOST ADORABLEST THING YOU'LL SEE IN 2012 AND IT'S ONLY JANUARY!!!!



Apparently, Logan Morrison is having a contest. Apparently, it's a LoMoing contest. I submitted my entry. But, none of that is important because this is the cutestestest thing I've seen in like ever. This baby has to win. We need to make sure of it. Pass along this blog post. RETWEET THIS PHOTO. Tweet LoMo. Direct message him. Call him on the phone. Send him snail mail. Do whatever you have to do because this baby MUST. WIN. THIS. CONTEST.

Get to it, people. Make it happen.

DETROIT PISTONS TRY TO OUT MARLINS THE MARLINS, SUCCEED



Oh, it's on Detroit. It's so on.

(h/t @adamsmoot)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

POSTS THAT NEVER HAPPENED: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM JEFFREY LORIA AND DAVID SAMSON



Mo money, mo free agents.



Now that Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder have both signed with teams that aren't the Marlins, this blog post has officially become wasted material. But wasted material is only wasted if you don't use it. And we're an environmentally-friendly blog, so we can't just go around wasting posts like that and fucking up the Earth. Anyway, this is some of what you would've seen had everything gone down differently during the Winter Meetings.

POSTS THAT NEVER HAPPENED: THE BATTLE FOR STICK FIGURE AND OTHER SUCH PHOTOSHOP/MS PAINT SHENANIGAN DOMINANCE JUST GOT REAL





Your move, penguin...



Now that Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder have both signed with teams that aren't the Marlins, this blog post has officially become wasted material. But wasted material is only wasted if you don't use it. And we're an environmentally-friendly blog, so we can't just go around wasting posts like that and fucking up the Earth. Anyway, this is some of what you would've seen had everything gone down differently during the Winter Meetings.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

TODAY IN BASEBALL NEWS ABOUT BOSTON THAT WILL SURPRISE EXACTLY NO ONE



Former Marlins outfielder, World. Series. Champion. and guy with the cutest butt in the majors, Cody Ross, signed a one-year, $3 million contract with the Boston Red Sox, making this the most obvious move in the history of baseball. Ever.

For a player like Cody, Boston was about as perfect a destination as he was going to find. Fans will love his hustle (his whiteness), media will love his attitude (his whiteness), and the team will love his grittiness and determination (his whiteness and whiteness).

According to ESPN.com:
Ross figures to be given every chance to leap ahead of Darnell McDonald in a potential platoon in right field and will come to camp hoping to convince new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine that he should play every day ahead of Ryan Sweeney.
Of course, he will. Darnell never stood a chance.

Monday, January 23, 2012

STATE REP WITH LEWD NAME HATES WHEN YOU DO LEWD THINGS WITH PICTURES OF LOGAN MORRISON



Do you enjoy Photoshopping the heads of baseball players onto naked bodies? Are you someone who likes to use digital manipulation to see what Matt Nokes would look like in the middle of a Muslim threesome? Well, if that's you, then Georgia State Representative Pam Dickerson wants you thrown in jail for up to a year.
It’s about time that somebody had the temerity to stand up to the Internet and say “No! You must stop photoshopping people’s heads onto other people’s naked bodies!!” and State Representative Pam Dickerson from District 95 is just the lady to make this a reality with her recently announced House Bill 680.
As you might have already guessed, the internet wasn't exactly thrilled with this one. Jim Galloway of the Atlanta Journal Constitution brings up an even better point, though:
There is a presumption in the legislation, of course, that the head would be the offended body part in these cases. No recourse would be offered to Matthew McConaughey’s torso if it suddenly should find itself topped with the head of Mitt Romney.
While this bill doesn't necessarily have any real affect on this site, you can understand the concern. I mean, sure, it's just about Photoshopped heads, but how long before we're banning the use of stick figure misrepresentation? It's a slippery slope, people.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

LEBRON JAMES DOESN'T KNOW THE OLD FAT MAN HE ALMOST KILLED



But you do. Enjoy.

(h/t: This place.)Link

DEAL IN PLACE TO HAVE PEOPLE CLEAN THE BALLPARK YOU CAN'T GET TO



If you're bored, here's a link that contains more words than you ever cared to read about the selection process that decided exactly who would be cleaning up after your sloppy kids in the Marlins new ballpark that you still have no way to get to.

And here are a few passages that sound really wonderful, but are probably loaded with bullshit because everyone who builds or runs a business in Miami is a shady fucking liar:

Miami-Dade spokeswoman Suzy Trutie said the Marlins were free to negotiate as they wished for their few private contracts. And Jose Galan, the county’s project manager for ballpark construction, said the Marlins have exceeded all the hiring “aspirational goals” set for them by administrations from Miami and Miami-Dade.

For those contracts, the Marlins agreed 50 percent of the workforce would come from Miami-Dade. Galan says they’ve exceeded that by 20 percent. The team also agreed to hire 10 percent of the workforce from the city of Miami. Though that number is actually been closer to 27 percent. The team also agreed that one in three of the firms hired would be based locally. And with all the contracts done, and the start of the 2012 season less than four months away, more than half of the 61 firms that won bids are local.

And though there’s no requirement, the Marlins say they are well ahead of their goal of hiring 15 percent of the operational workforce locally. Though those jobs aren’t particularly high paying, they are longer-term employment than construction work.


Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/01/14/4187400/contract-to-clean-miami-marlins.html#storylink=cpy
Which means that if you read between some lines here and there, you'll probably see that something like six people from Miami have jobs. YAY, CORRUPTION!*


(* I'm still deciding if "YAY, CORRUPTION" would make an awesome Miami t-shirt or not.)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

WHO IS LOGAN MORRISON?



Logan Justis Morrison was born in 1993**, with a rare condition known as tuberculosis.** After undergoing multiple surgeries**, one of which required the removal of two fingers on his left hand**, Morrison was told he'd never play baseball again.**

But, that wouldn't stop young Logan.

With the help of a Russian doctor named Surei**, by age 10, Logan Morrison had regenerated both missing fingers and had even grown an extra thumb on the outer side of his hand**, allowing him to grip the baseball much tighter than before. This new abnormality would help Morrison develop an unhittable slider**, allowing him to become the #1 pitching prospect in all of Tennessee.**

In 1985**, Morrison was drafted by the New York Mets**, but traded to the Florida Marlins in the now-infamous Jason Isringhausen deal.** There, he'd thrive as the team's starting catcher**, breaking numerous club records** and earning himself a trip to three consecutive All-Star Games.** Logan Morrison remains with the club today and was one of the biggest factors in last year's stunning World Series victory over the Boston Red Sox.**

Aside from being a phenomenal athlete, Logan Morrison is also a prolific user and ardent supporter of the social media website known as Twitter. In just a few short years, El Lomo Guapo (as his fans call him)** has amassed more than 95,000 Twitter followers**—more than Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga combined.**

One day, Morrison hopes to settle down in a log cabin in New Jersey** with his beautiful wife, Patricia**, and twin daughters, Sandra and Lacey.**

It's still early in this young man's career, but Logan Morrison could very well be the role model that Major League Baseball has been searching for for a very long time.


(** - Unable to verify as fact due to January 18, 2012 Wikipedia blackout.)

Monday, January 16, 2012

MIAMI MARLINS SET TO BEGIN SEASON IN NEW BALLPARK YOU PROBABLY CAN'T GET TO



It would be surprisingly stupid if someone were to build a brand new ballpark, with limited parking, in a highly congested city, without having a concrete plan in place for those folks who didn't feel like sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic only to have to park on a stranger's lawn.

Um... SURPRISE!...?

Just three months before the $634 million, publicly funded stadium’s April 4 opening, city and Miami-Dade County officials have secured none of several promised transit improvements.

Those range from new city trolleys to Metrobus shuttles from nearby Metrorail stations, as well as designated pedestrian and bicycle routes to the ballpark.

After more than a year of meetings between city and county officials and a transportation planner working for the Marlins, the transit blueprint remains little more than a wish list, hampered by lack of funding and the Marlins’ apparent unwillingness to help pay for improvements.

I'd like to imagine that the idiots involved will figure something out relatively soon—mostly because I refuse to believe grown men can ever be this stupid—so, as a fan, I wouldn't worry too much. But, the fact that someone even had the chance to write a two-page article about this situation probably doesn't inspire much faith.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

CARLOS ZAMBRANO ADOPTS GUATEMALAN BOY TO BEAT MERCILESSLY



The water coolers in As-Yet-Unnamed Marlins Ballpark are safe, at least for the time being, as Carlos Zambrano flew to Guatemala this week to adopt a young boy named Kenneth, who will likely serve as the 30-year-old pitcher's personal piƱata during especially bad outings this season.

In years past, "El Toro" (Which, loosely translated, means "The Suck".) has had no qualms about taking his frustrations out on a plastic container of water, but some members of the front office, concerned about the amount of money the Marlins have put into the new ballpark, have suggested he find other ways to release his anger. Which is exactly what Big Z plans on doing with his new toy.

One source close to Zambrano says that the pitcher's plans include "covering that little bitch in some Batman-type armor shit, maybe make him wear like a catcher's mask or something, and beating the fuck out of him with a bat."

Added Darren Rovell on Twitter, "Now accepting future Big Z headlines. Leader in the clubhouse: "OH MY GOD, HE KILLED KENNY"

Hopefully Zambrano, who's struggled the last few years, can turn things around and have a bounce back year with the Marlins in 2012. If not for Miami's playoff hopes, then at least for Kenneth.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

CHRIS VOLSTAD WANTS NO PART OF YOUR PEA-NESS



Here's a story from 2009 about Chris Volstad's mom, Colleen, and her love of cooking. In it, we get a splendid pineapple cheese casserole recipe and this wonderful nugget about the soon-to-be former Marlins pitcher:
Chris is a very adventuresome diner and always has been. He’s interested in trying new dishes as long as peas are not involved. Even as a baby he didn’t like peas!
Chris Volstad hates the peas. And as the Cubs are about to find out, he's also not very fond of the W's and K's...

Monday, January 2, 2012

BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG NEWS!!!!!



So, the other day, before the fireworks went off, your balls dropped, and your 2011 Kittens of the Month calendar became obsolete, something crazy happened...
Me: Hey girl, you wanna spend the rest of your life watching me draw stick figures?
Girl: OH FO SHO!
Me: SHWEEEEEEET! Here, wear this metal object with a shiny diamond on your finger!
And so, just like that*, your fearless leader and master of stick figure animations, Mr. Strip Club With Stanton, AKA: @BoobiesNStanton, was engaged!

Now, I know this might upset some of you ladies, because I know you only read this site so you can feel a deeper connection with a guy you know nothing about, other than that he's so super funny and adorable, but I promise you that this changes nothing between us. And, fellas, I'll still continue to post pictures of lady parts from time to time, so no worries there, either. The future Mrs. Boobies is TOTES COOL with my ridiculousness!

Happy 2012, everyone! You're all invited to the wedding!


*Conversation may or may not have happened just like that.