Monday, April 1, 2013

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK!

Hey, sexy Marlins fans. How you doin?
Baseball season officially got under way last night, as the American League Astros, who were the only team to not reach 600 runs last year, reached 600 runs last night alone. The National League has been holding them down for far too long, apparently, so be prepared to witness a new baseball world, where Matt Dominguez is the best third basemen in the universe and Houston is the Yankees' daddy for the better part of a decade. Or they'll lose their next 15 in a row. Either is possible, I guess.

That was last night, though, and today is a whole new day. More specifically, a whole new era of Marlins baseball. Gone are big names like Jose Reyes and Mark Burrrrrrrrrlllllly. (It was only one season; how could I realistically be expected to learn to spell that correctly?) Gone is a potential Wild Card berth. Gone are the wins, the fans and probably the ability of most of you to give a fuck. Seriously, I'm right there with ya; I know the feeling.

As a human being living in South Florida, I can't bring myself to willingly contribute to lining the pockets of Jeffrey Loria. He's getting his money, anyway, and I'm not going to stop that, but I'm also not going to help the process. So, yeah, you probably won't be seeing me at any games this year. That's my small contribution to the Fuck Jeffrey Loria Foundation.

That said, if you have kids, take 'em to a game. Got a hot date? Take him to a game. If you just love baseball so much that you can't stay away, then fuck it, take yourself to a game. I ain't mad at cha. I'll be here, doing the blogging thing, drawing stick figures, trying to get the LULZ and whatnot. The hatred has simmered a bit and, really, I couldn't not be here going through this with you guys. I mean, seriously, there's a venereal disease playing shortstop. How could I possibly stay away from this?!

So, anyway, if you wanna read something funny, fairly new New Times scribe, Ryan Yousefi, has a pretty hilarious and awesome rundown of the guys you'll be seeing take the field tonight. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll cry some more. Then you'll throw some shit. Then you'll finish crying. Then you'll eat a donut. And then you'll be ready to catch Opening Night as informed a Marlins fan as you could possibly be. Or more informed than you were yesterday, and that's a start.

As for me, I'll be back in a little bit with the SCWS Season Preview. For now, go do some jumping jacks or something to get all the anxiety of a new baseball season out of your system. It'll also get you ready, just in case Mike Redmond needs you to pinch hit.

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