Monday, April 29, 2013
EVEM MONSTER DONGS CAN'T MAKE THE MARLINS NOT SUCK
GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON finally decided he was done being bored with whatever it is the Marlins do on game days, so he launched three monster dongs (his first three of this miserable, godforsaken season) off the Cubs this weekend. The other explanation is that it was the Cubs. Whatever, man.
His three homers in a 24-hour span makes him the Marlins leading home run leader, because the rest of this team fucking blows. One of his homers almost killed a person in the streets of Miami. The lesson, as we're been learning for the past few years, is that GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON is a god amongst men. Shitty, no good, awful, crappy, terrible men in Marlins jerseys.
Also, the Marlins lost three of four to a Cubs team that's only marginally better than my old softball team.
Also, also, look't that picture. BALLS.