Wednesday, April 3, 2013


When the Nationals and Marlins take the field tonight, Washington will be throwing awesome sauce pitcher, Gio Gonzalez. The Marlins, in true Marlins fashion, will be countering with something called a Kevin Slowey.

Maybe you've heard of him. You probably haven't. This is going to happen to you a lot this season. Some guy's name will flash across your TV or your computer screen and you'll be like, "Wait, that dude's a Marlin?" Yes, yes he is. And you probably know nothing about him, which means that I'm not doing my duty as your resident knower of all things Marlins and monster dongs. So, whaddaya say? Let's get to know some nondescript Marlins!

Kevin Slowey (SP)

Here's what I knew about Mr. Slowey six minutes ago:


And here's what I know now:

His mother edits his Wikipedia page constantly. There's no other explanation for the existence of an extremely detailed Wikipedia entry for a baseball player nobody outside of Minnesota has ever heard of, who's never had an ERA below 4.00. (Okay, he has, but it was 3.99. Sue me.) It covers his first Major League start, his second Major League start, a random start he missed in 2010 (!), his favorite toy growing up, and that pretty girl from church, who he should ask out on a date, he's not getting any younger, ya know.

He was once traded straight up for that dreaded "player to be named later." It's never a good thing when your team is all like, "Yeah, we'll give you Slowey and you just give us anyone, we're not really picky about who." I like to imagine that sometimes one of those deals goes down and then both teams just forget about the player to be named later. Then, like three years down the road, one of the GMs remembers that he forgot to get someone in return and just shrugs, because whatever, man, Kevin Slowey.

He hasn't thrown a pitch in the Majors in over a year. Now would be a good time to remind you that this is the second game of the season and the Marlins are putting a guy on the mound whose last Major League outing wasn't too long after the Heat lost to the Mavericks in the Finals. In that time, the Heat played another NBA season, won a championship, started another season, won 27 games in a row, and are about to try and win their second NBA Championship.

He once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. I got nothing.

Good luck out there tonight, K-Slow. You'll need it.

[Hipster Slowey via OMG MN Twins]

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