Well, in an effort to get you excited about this band of merry misfits, we're going to assume each and every one of them is a superhero. Why? Because superheroes are awesome and this Marlins team really kinda isn't, so we gotta do what we gotta do to make it through 162 games of this bullshit. In order to figure out who is what, we turn to our official handy dandy Superhero Name Generator Thing That I Found on the Internet™!
And now, ladies and gents, your 2013 Miami Marlins starting lineup:
1. The Lion Droid (Juane Pierre)
According to the SNGTTIFotI, Pierre's super power is that he can walk through walls, but we'll probably learn that that's not true when he breaks his ankle midseason by slamming into the center field wall, trying to chase down one of the many home runs Ricky Nolasco is sure to give up.
2. The Alien Justice (Chris Coghlan)
3. THE THUNDER ANGEL (GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON)
4. The Comet Tornado (Placido Polanco)
5. The Micro Surfer (Rob Brantly)
6/7. The Ultra Sidekick & The Iron Hillbilly (Donovan Solano/Casey Kotchman)
8. Captain Copy/Paste (Adeiny Hechavarria)
So, there it is, your 2013 Marlins Opening Day superhero roster. Together, we'll make it through this season. I think. I hope. Maybe.
Help us, THUNDER ANGEL. You're our only hope.