Monday, April 1, 2013


Welcome, one and all, to Marlins Baseball 2013! This season certainly promises to be more adventurous and more disappointing than the last, as impossible as that may seem. A lot's changed since we last spoke; this team is composed of entirely new nondescript guys, ready to let you down day after day after day. We should probably meet them, huh?

Well, in an effort to get you excited about this band of merry misfits, we're going to assume each and every one of them is a superhero. Why? Because superheroes are awesome and this Marlins team really kinda isn't, so we gotta do what we gotta do to make it through 162 games of this bullshit. In order to figure out who is what, we turn to our official handy dandy Superhero Name Generator Thing That I Found on the Internet™!

And now, ladies and gents, your 2013 Miami Marlins starting lineup:

1. The Lion Droid (Juane Pierre)
The Lion Droid, Juan Pierre, last played for the Marlins in 1932, but he's back because Emilio Bonifacio is gone and the team needed a speedy, dark-skinned guy so that fans wouldn't feel like things have changed so much. Pierre probably isn't as fast as he was in the 30's, but that won't stop me from getting frustrated whenever he gets thrown out trying to steal second. WHAT THE HELL JUAN YOU USED TO BE SO FAST OMG YOU'RE 35 WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN??!

According to the SNGTTIFotI, Pierre's super power is that he can walk through walls, but we'll probably learn that that's not true when he breaks his ankle midseason by slamming into the center field wall, trying to chase down one of the many home runs Ricky Nolasco is sure to give up.

2. The Alien Justice (Chris Coghlan)
Batting second tonight is Chris Coghlan—Jesus Christ, really?! (That joke will never get old.) Coghlan's superhero name is The Alien Justice, which is pretty funny because his religion probably prevents him from believing in things like aliens and other shit that doesn't make sense, all while celebrating the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. His super power, according to the website, is genetic engineering, because L-O-FUCKING-L. Make sure to watch Chris Coghlan a lot this week, because he'll probably be in New Orleans by May.

The Superhero Name Generator knows what's up and named GCMS accordingly. THE THUNDER ANGEL (all caps, show some respect) is batting third and really nothing more needs to be said. He'll crush baseballs whenever pitchers aren't pitching around him to get to Placido Domingo Polanco and look sexy as hell doing it. Besides being the baddest motherfucker on the planet, his super power is the ability to speak to animals, so expect him to whisper sweet nothings to that kitty all night long, pretty ladies.

4. The Comet Tornado (Placido Polanco)
Speaking of Polanco, the Superhero Name Generator gave him the name The Comet Tornado, because much like having this 37-year-old batting cleanup in the order, it makes no fucking sense. He has no super powers, but according to the website, his weakness is "booty." Do with that information what you will.

5. The Micro Surfer (Rob Brantly)
Your catcher and one of the only things even remotely good about any of last year's trades is Rob Brantly. As far as I know, the Micro Surfer doesn't surf and he may be too young to know about micro breweries, so I'm not sure how the name fits, but it says that his super power is that he sold his soul to the devil, and that seems like the exact way one would find themselves traded to the Marlins. The good news about Brantly is that he's not John Buck. The bad news about Brantly is that Larry Beinfest traded for him, so he's sure to eventually be John Buck.

6/7. The Ultra Sidekick & The Iron Hillbilly (Donovan Solano/Casey Kotchman)
This superhero duo, um, well, sucks. Like, for real. Solano had a decent time with the Marlins last season when everyone in the world was either hurt or traded and the team was using guys whose entire Major League resume read "Hit in the head with a baseball one time." Kotchman's career, meanwhile, looks like a guy who always wanted to do a ballpark tour with his buddy. He's almost literally played for every team in Major League Baseball. Their super powers are that, when kept close together, they can automatically produce two-thirds of the outs in any given inning.

8. Captain Copy/Paste (Adeiny Hechavarria)
The Superhero Name Generator just laughed at me when I typed his name in, so this one we're going to have to name ourselves. Captain Copy/Paste seemed most appropriate since that's the only way I'm ever going to be able to spell Hechavarria all season. His superhero power is that he's not Hanley Ramirez, so you probably won't hate him for at least another year or two, until you realize he's not panning out and that the Marlins basically gave away all those guys for absolutely fucking nothing. Not money. Not prospects. Not hope. Nothing.

So, there it is, your 2013 Marlins Opening Day superhero roster. Together, we'll make it through this season. I think. I hope. Maybe.


Help us, THUNDER ANGEL. You're our only hope.

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