Strip Club With Stanton

MIAMI MARLINS CONTINUE TO HONOR MIKE CAMERON

2012-03-09T07:30:00.005-05:00

I mean, seriously? It's like they're begging me to make these jokes…

WE WERE ALL WRONG ABOUT DAVID SAMSON, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE STILL PROBABLY A LITTLE RIGHT

2012-03-08T07:26:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, Deadspin and a bunch of other places ran with a story about David Samson calling the city of Miami stupid. Unfortunately, according to Will Manso, the quotes they ran with were pretty much taken out of context. Oops!

To help all those news outlets who may be scrambling for a retraction today, I thought I'd write one for you, save you the trouble. Just copy/paste and you're good to go:

Dear readers,

Yesterday, we informed you that David Samson was an elitist asshole who thought of the city of Miami as a melting pot of idiocy. We were wrong. Those quotes were taken completely out of context and we apologize to David Samson and anyone else who may have been affected by this misrepresentation of the truth. We are so very sorry for any problems this unfortunate error may have caused.

However, David Samson is still a grade-A asshole. A sniveling little weasel who shouldn't ever be trusted. Maybe he didn't say what we said he said, but you know he totally meant what we said he said. He's a jerk. A scumbag. A piece of filth. If you see him on the street, you should grab him by the collar of his fluorescent pink shirt and punch him in his weaselly little face. He's a gnome. An entitled prick. And we have reason to believe he murdered a hooker in Opa Locka.

Again, we're deeply sorry for taking David's quotes out of context. Our bad.

Sincerely,

________________________

RED GROOMS IS BATSHIT INSANE, BUT YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY

2012-03-07T10:31:00.007-05:00

In case you didn't already think the guy who created the Marlins' ridiculous home run sculpture was a certified crazy person, Joe Capozzi went ahead and solved that mystery for you by interviewing him and finding out that the version of Nightmare In Motion currently sitting inside the ballpark today was originally supposed to be even more stupider.

You should definitely watch the video, because there's nothing quite like a creepy old man who paints like a third grader and speaks like a pedophile. Also, because nothing captures "batshit insane" quite like a shaky camera and unnecessary close-ups. But, if you decide that's not for you, here's the CliffsNotes version:

As it stands now, Krusty the Clown's Bringer of Acid Dreams & Assorted Fish is only set to go off during home runs, but Red Grooms's original idea was to treat it like "a game" where it would go off after EVERY. GODDAMN. HIT. No, for real, look:

If the Marlins were to get a single…

A single, lonely, yellow marlin would float across a lowly arch. HOORAY, SINGLES!

But, what about a double?

BOOM! PELICANS, BITCH! Actually, this is my favorite part of the whole video, because Grooms seems genuinely upset about the Marlins decision to leave the cartoonish birds out. I think if it were entirely up to Crazy Ole' Red Grooms, this whole monstrosity might be made of pelicans. Bubble letters and pelicans, that's what Miami does.

Of course, if one of the Marlins were to hit a triple…

We'd move up one more level of the structure, to the third arch, where a marlin would dart across, while the words "TRIPLE TRIPLE TRIPLE" flashed under it. (You see, because you get three bases for a triple, so the word needs to be shown three times, because it's like symbolism and because we're all too dumb to understand that without the artist slapping us right in the face with it.)

And all of this logically builds up to the sculpture's Stantongasmesque, homoerotic climax…

HOME RUN!!! FIREWORKS AND COLORS AND FISH AND PELICANS AND UNICORNS AND SNOWFLAKES AND BUNNIES AND DILDOS!!!

Of course, Grooms wasn't done bringing the crazy. See the word "HOMER" written at the top of Rainbow Orgasm Mountain? Not only was that supposed to signify that a player indeed hit a homer, but it was also supposed to be the name of the marlin floating across the top of the sculpture. No, for real. DUDE NAMED THE MARLIN IN HIS ARTWORK. You know, like a mascot. Like the one we already have. Named Billy. Who isn't a blatant rip-off of the Dolphins mascot. Named TD. Like the scoring play. Like Homer.

"And then I thought of the fish being called Homer. I was hoping that would catch on, but it didn't really. I was hoping that he—Homer would be kind of like a character."

Aw. He'll always be Homer to me, Red. He'll always be Homer to me.

(Video/Interview by Joe Capozzi)

TWITTRECAP, GAME -27: FACEBROKE

2012-03-06T14:37:00.004-05:00

In order to make it easy for you, the reader of this fine internet place, to fill your Facebook friends and Twitter followers in on what happened during last night's Marlins game, SCWS will be bringing you its ultra convenient, super accurate, 140-character game recaps. Just copy and paste to your Twitter or Facebook account and you're all set to spread the word and sound like you know what's up throughout the season. Enjoy.

Matt Dominguez broke his face when a ball hit him in the eye. Doctors pronounced him dead at 7:19pm. RIP. Oh, and Miami lost 3-1 to Detroit.

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM YOUR CLOSER...

2012-03-06T07:43:00.005-05:00

TWITTRECAP, GAME -28: MUST LOVE DOBB

2012-03-05T16:07:00.006-05:00

JJ threw the ball and Greg Dobbs did some stuff and the MIAMI MARLINS WON THEIR FIRST EVER GAME…unless you count all those games as Florida.

YOUR 2012 FANFEST SCAVENGER HUNT WINNER IS... JOE CAPOZZI?!?

2012-03-05T07:43:00.007-05:00

This weekend, I challenged you to a FanFest Scavenger hunt on Twitter. You find certain random things, take a picture of it, and get the allotted amount of points for said picture. A simple game, really. A simple game that Joe Bleepin' Capozzi might have accidentally won.

On Friday, I sent out this totally obnoxious, mocking tweet, because I hate Joe Capozzi and his stupid face.

And during Saturday's festivities, Joe's stupid face tweeted out the photo you see above, along with this caption:

Un. Freakin'. Believable.

Due to a technical error, there were no points originally assigned to this particular item, so it's only fair that I declare it the wild card and therefore recognize Joe Capozzi as the winner of this year's FanFest Scavenger Hunt. Yes, THAT Joe Capozzi.

Congratulations, Joe. I still hate your face.

YOUR 2012 MIAMI MARLINS STARTING ROTATION AS TOLD BY YOUR FAVORITE *NSYNC SONGS

2012-03-02T07:27:00.005-05:00

It's time to analyze the Marlins starting rotation with a gimmicky blogging trick started by someone a long time ago who liked to post YouTube videos. So, without further ado, your 2012 Miami Marlins rotation as told by your favorite *NSYNC songs…

Josh Johnson – "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You"

It's true, Josh. In all of creation, all things great and small, you are the one that surpasses them all. More precious than any diamond or pearl, if you stay healthy, I'll give you my girl. Wait, that's not the lyric? Also, how cute was Justin Frostedtipsberlake?!?

Mark Buehrle – "Just Got Paid"

Which means that Mark has just enough money for gas this month.

Anibal Sanchez – "Losing My Way"

This song has nothing to do with Anibal, and it's technically not even an *NSYNC song, but it makes me laugh to hear Justin Timberlake sing about being a broke high school drop-out whose life has been destroyed by a crack addiction. Plus, church choir! OH MY GOD THIS SONG IS AWFUL AND I LOVE IT.

Ricky Nolasco – "That's When I'll Stop Loving You"

In the song, JC will only stop loving the anonymous girl when things that could never actually happen begin happening. I'm not that nice. A leadoff walk, a bases loaded double… that's when I'LL stop loving you. (Honorable mention: "I Want You Back", for those nights when you're getting the bad Ricky and all you can think about is the really good Ricky that shows up from time to time.)

Carlos Zambrano – "Trashin' The Camp"

*NSYNC never had a song called "Trashin' The Dugout" (I checked.), but this was the closest thing I could find. Plus, there are no words to this song, only weird noises, which is exactly how I imagine Carlos Zambrano sounds.

BONUS TRACK THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH *NSYNC AND/OR STARTING PITCHERS

Heath Bell – "Ice Cream Paint Job"

Because, I mean, c'mon, MOTHER FUCKIN' DOVE BARS!!!

GIANCARLO WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH FOR YOU TO CALL HIM GIANCARLO NOW

2012-03-01T11:13:00.003-05:00

You may've noticed the blog banner has changed. Yes, black history month has officially ended, so we've said our goodbyes to the recently-retired Mike Cameron and we're saying hello, once again, to the site's namesake, Mike Stan—Wait, what!?

Okay, fine, Giancarlo it is. But, before I give in, I thought I'd jot down a list of pros and cons, in case ~~Mike~~ Giancarlo is reading this and maybe wondering if he's made a terrible decision or not. Don't worry, buddy. Michael Vick went from Michael to Mike and back to Michael again. When you're famous, you can do whatever the hell you want with your name. And your kid's!

Let's take a look at the pros and cons, shall we?

Pros: Will no longer be confused with this guy.
Cons: Will no longer be confused with this guy.

Pros: Forces SportsCenter anchors to be more creative.
Cons: Won't matter. They stopped being creative somewhere around 1998.

Pros: It's still early enough in his career that fans can adjust to the name change.
Cons: Jack McKeon, on the other hand, will never figure this one out.

Pros: Giancarlo is an awesome name.
Cons: For soccer.

Pros: Giancarlo really is an awesome name.
Cons: That my phone refuses to autocorrect.

Pros: Name changes have worked in the past.
Cons: Then again…

Pros: Name-change jokes!
Cons: Name-change jokes.

Pros: Listening to white people try to pronounce his name correctly.
Cons: Being a white person trying to pronounce his name correctly.

As you can see, this isn't a decision you can take lightly. Personally, I think he should just combine his whole name into one very long, singular name, like Jamiroquai.

Introducing, GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON!!!

(Photo by Kelly Gavin, who takes really awesome pictures and should totally shoot my wedding.)

THE PETEY & LOMO SHOW, AKA: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE JEFFREY LORIA LET THIS HAPPEN

2012-03-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

This looks like it'll be mildly amusing for an episode or two, then become annoyingly repetitive, kinda like Jersey Shore. But, it'll probably give the Marlins front office heart palpitations, so it's got my full support.

There's no way this ends well. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPRING TRAINING UPDATE: HEATH BELL'S ICE CREAM ADVENTURES

2012-02-29T08:24:00.007-05:00

PRESENTED WITHOUT COMMENTARY...

2012-02-27T07:44:00.002-05:00

(h/t @MarlinsDiehards)

COMING SOON: THE LOMOCINCO SHOW?

2012-02-24T08:14:00.005-05:00

So many questions that need answers here. Like, what kind of reality show could LoMo and Bryan Peterson be putting together? Will the intro be anything like this? Does this mean there's a chance Ochocinco shows up on "The Franchise?" Has anyone let him know what he's getting himself into with these two? "I'll add some more minutes"…? Is Ocho the person keeping Boost Mobile in business?

So very intrigued. And confused. And excited. I think I just peed.

SPRING TRAINING UPDATE: HANLEY RAMIREZ PROBABLY NOT TAKING THIS THIRD BASE THING SERIOUSLY

2012-02-23T07:36:00.007-05:00

And that was just the first day…

Oh, and if you have any pictures of Hanley and his crazy Spring Training shenanigans (that are totally not Photoshop'd), send 'em in and I'll post them.

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

2012-02-22T07:58:00.001-05:00

And J2's known to ask the hard-hitting questions, so you know…

WHO IS THIS OLD GUY?

2012-02-20T08:00:00.001-05:00

There are no prizes for this game, only back pats and internet hugz. Let's play!

Is this man...

A) A character from a 1981 episode of M*A*S*H
B) The head groundskeeper for the Marlins during the 1997 World Series
C) My middle school Social Studies teacher
D) Mike Bleepin' Stanton's mother bleepin' dad.

Hint:

THE 1997 WORLD SERIES AS TOLD BY YOUR STONER FRIEND FROM 2ND PERIOD BIOLOGY

2012-02-18T10:09:00.005-05:00

I've been not working and sleeping all week, so here I am on the weekend, making it up to you. Enjoy this video of some dude telling you about Game 7 of the 1997 World Series that featured the Marlins and Indians and probably a little more excitement than this guy lets on.

IF YOU HATE THE MARLINS NEW LOGO BUT LOVE 1990'S WEB DESIGN THEN BOY DO I HAVE THE SITE FOR YOU

2012-02-13T08:00:00.003-05:00

We got over the Marlins new logo a long time ago, but it appears someone hasn't. And that someone decided to make a website to tell you that he hasn't. It ain't much, but it gets the message across in bright multicolored type. It even has a site counter, which may or may not be my favorite thing about it because it reminds me of 1996 and I loved 9th grade.

Anyway, check it out and get that site counter number up so this dude doesn't feel like he did all this minimal work for nothing.

MarlinsLogoSucks.com

(h/t @MarlinsNation1)

MIKE STANTINSTAGRAM™

2012-02-10T08:00:00.004-05:00

Fridays... [sigh] Hmph... –M. Stanton

MATT GELB ASKS STUPID QUESTIONS

2012-02-08T09:45:00.006-05:00

Let's put aside the rest of Matt Gelb's uber-long pointless column and focus on one question he asks, which I've conveniently answered for him with a nifty little highlighted chart that one might be able to find on, oh, I don't know, Baseball-Reference.com?

I don't know, Matt. You tell me.

YES, MY DEAR, IT IS TIME TO...

2012-02-07T18:18:00.004-05:00

@JCRMarlinsbeat

RIP BILLY THE MARLIN :(

2012-02-07T09:26:00.008-05:00

(Click to enlarge.)

With a new, brighter, more homoerotic Billy the Marlin set to take over squirt gun duties in the new ballpark this Spring, it seems like Old Billy just couldn't take it anymore.

Weeks ago, it was reported that the original Billy the Marlin had begun drinking to dull the emotional pains of unemployment and financial uncertainty. His life began spiraling out of control, documented in a series of videos posted on YouTube. Alcohol had turned to marijuana, which eventually turned to parties with strippers, coke and Xanny bars.

When none of it worked, he found himself living on the streets, begging for rides and giving blowjobs for heroin.

Late Friday evening, workers found Billy's body just beyond the fence in right field. They weren't sure how it got there, but the webcam footage you see at the top of the page was captured on February 3, just after 2:00 p.m. EST.

Though no note seems to have been left at the scene, police are still ruling this a suicide. They are, however, asking that if you have any information that may help them understand what may have transpired Friday afternoon, that you please contact local authorities immediately.

YO, MIKE STANTON AIN'T CARE

2012-02-06T16:14:00.005-05:00

Wondering how your favorite baseball-murdering, home run-smashing right fielder spent his Super Bowl Sunday?

*NSync: Live from Madison Square Garden? On Super Bowl Sunday?!?

YO, MIKE STANTON AIN'T CARE.

SCWS CLASS PARTY: YOU'D TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH A CARTOON

2012-02-03T08:03:00.008-05:00

After a long week of not getting anything done at work because you were reading blogs about sports and stick figures all day, you must be exhausted. Totally understandable. That's why every Friday afternoon, SCWS will be throwing a huge party to celebrate. Kinda like in 3rd grade, when your teacher would completely give up on trying to teach you fractions and instead just bring in pizza and show movies all day and then you'd go home at 2:30. Yeah, those days were awesome. Enjoy.

What we're watching...

The Road to El Dorado

While this might not be one of DreamWorks more popular movies, it did bring us the hottest cartoon character ever seen in a kid's movie. Most people would choose Belle or Ariel (human form, obviously), but they're way too white and plain for me. Seriously, look at Chel. Look at those hips. How do you even begin to say no to that? Maybe it has something to do with being born and raised in Miami, but—MY GOD THOSE CURVES. I'd be lying if I told you that I've never busted out the tube sock over this cartoon character. Hell, I just masturbated three times while writing this.

Further proof:

What we're snacking on...

Warheads

Ever put two Warheads in your mouth at the same time to try and prove you were a badass 10-year-old, only it was way too sour, so you wanted to spit them out, but you thought you had a reputation to protect, so you toughed it out and suffered for those few minutes, pretended like it was no big deal, then ran to the bathroom and threw the fuck up? Yeah, me either.

What we're listening to...

Soul Asylum - "Runaway Train"

In eighth grade, I took a drama class and one of the assignments was to choose a song, learn the words and put on a lip sync performance in front of the entire class. Despite what you might think, I'm not the crazy, outgoing guy I apparently come across as in my writing. I'm actually pretty shy and keep to myself. So, yeah, I was terrified.

For over a week, I sat backwards on a chair in front of a mirror and practiced this song until I built up the courage and had every aspect of the performance down. From every word, to the raw emotion in my facial expressions, I was ready. I was gonna nail it. Then, as the student before me trotted out yet another sleep-inducing performance, I turned to the black kid sitting next to me and said, "Hey, you wanna do 'Whoomp! There It Is?' with me?"

And so, without any practice (I barely even knew the kid's name. It was probably Jerome.), the two of us went crazy and whoomp'd the shit out of that drama class with one of the most godawful songs known to man.

Also, who shops in a store and leaves their baby outside? Is this something people used to do?

YOENIS CESPEDES IS PROBABLY NOT ON TWITTER YET, AS MUCH AS THAT SUCKS FOR US ALL

2012-02-02T08:06:00.009-05:00

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call that one a fake. Plus, I'm pretty sure the real Cespedes is too busy popping steroids, changing his birth certificate and trying to sign a multimillion dollar contract to be bothered with Twitter. But, hey, if you too wanna try your hand at a fake Yoenis Cespedes, you should probably start with a good Twitter handle.

Oh look, @PrepareYoenis is still open...

THESE PHOTOS OF THE MIAMI MARLINS ENERGY ENTERTAINMENT TEAM ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY W.T.F AND ASSOCIATES

2012-02-01T07:22:00.009-05:00

The Miami New Times has a wonderfully bizarre gallery of your Miami Marlins Hialeah Zombie Energy Entertainment Team™ up, so do go check that out. But, in case you're too lazy to click any more buttons on the mouse, here are a few of the highlights...

CHONGALICIOUS

Not wanting to lose the essence of the original Mermaids, the Marlins made sure to incorporate tight shorts and giant hoop earrings into their new squad. Bravo, good sirs. Bra. Vo.

FAME

Fame – The Musical was originally produced at the Coconut Grove Playhouse, so the Marlins tribute to the show's roots should be commended. Besides, nothing says baseball quite like an Off-Broadway dance number.

'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLLLLLLER!

I can't necessarily explain the Michael Jackson routine; I just know that anytime you put zombies in front of me, you've got my undivided attention.

ZOMG!!1! BALLERINA ZOMBIE CHILDREN

No, no, I don't think you heard me. [Clears throat.] I said... BALLERINA. ZOMBIE. CHILDREN. ROTFLOMGLMAO.

BALLERINA ZOMBIE CHILDREN BREAKDANCERS

Look at that little zombie girl in the back. She looks like she's having so much fun with her living dead zombie self. She totally just ate brains. And that other zombie girl on the left who looks like she's about go full on Doo Doo Brown? ZOMBIE-DORBS!!!

WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED, JUAN...

2012-01-31T07:24:00.005-05:00

...

.......

...........

................

............................Um. Duh!

NOW YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MARLINS AND EAT THEM TOO

2012-01-30T08:00:00.003-05:00

I don't really know what to say about this other than it's brought to you by the one of the guys who contributes to Chris Creamer's sportslogos.net and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE MARLINS LOGO MADE OUT OF VARIOUS NACHO PRODUCTS.

This apparently found its way to the internet sometime in November, but somehow I'm seeing it for the first time this morning. How does that even happen? Why have you people failed me?

In any case, there it is. The top of the mountain. Modern art has reached its limits. There is officially nothing we can do with a blank canvas that would be more amazing than what you're looking at right now.

My stick figures feel so insignificant today...

When Sawx Hated Fish [foogos]

SCWS CLASS PARTY: SUMMER CAMP WITH MARIAH CAREY

2012-01-27T12:00:00.000-05:00

After a long week of not getting anything done at work because you were reading blogs about sports and stick figures all day, you must be exhausted. Totally understandable. That's why every Friday afternoon, SCWS will be throwing a huge party to celebrate. Kinda like in 3rd grade, when your teacher would completely give up on trying to teach you fractions and instead just bring in pizza and show movies all day and then you'd go home at 2:30. Yeah, those days were awesome. Enjoy.

What we're watching...

FernGully: The Last Rainforest

I watched this movie in elementary school and remember thinking, "I'm never going to mess with the environment again because there are like fairies and shit out there, and what if I'm destroying their land and maybe killing them." The other morning I got out of my car at work and threw a gum wrapper on the ground in the parking lot. Clearly, this movie left a lasting impression.

What we're snacking on...

Sno-Caps & Popcorn

Directions: Pop one bag of buttered(!!!) popcorn and immediately pour it into a bowl. Don't wait. Sprinkle one box of Sno-Caps into the bowl while the popcorn is still hot. Mix everything around a little bit. (Not too much, because then all of the Sno-Caps will wind up at the bottom and that sucks.) Make love to the bowl.

What we're listening to...

Mariah Carey - "Always Be My Baby"

When this song came out, I was 14 and had just been to a summer camp for the first time the year before, so I was still sort of new to the whole thing. I remember watching this video constantly and always wondering if that's what camp was going to be like the next year. Log cabins, camp fires, the girl I had a crush on sneaking out in the middle of the night to go swimming with me... Then I remembered that I went to a day camp, so shit like this could NEVER actually happen. So disappointing.

I did find out, however, that camp counselors are exactly like the irresponsible assholes in this video, drinking shitty beer and playing banjo by the fire while the kids are pretending to sleep. When I eventually became a counselor, myself, we'd have these two-day trips to Disney World where we'd spend one night with the kids at a hotel. We did this twice a summer for the 6+ years I worked there, and I swear to God, every single time, once all of the kids were checked-in to their rooms, wearing their pajamas and ready to go to bed, 93% of the staff would meet in one counselor's room and get DRUNK. AS. SHIT. And then there'd always be two people who decided to "turn in for the night", except everyone knew that what they really went to do was have sloppy, drunken sex because it's summer camp and you're working with these same assholes every day, so there's bound to be some serious sexual tension between people.

And, of course, the next day was hell because you we're trying to wander around Magic Kingdom for twelve hours in the blazing heat with an unbelievable hangover, running on two hours of sleep because you decided to stay up till 4:00 a.m. getting completely blasted the night before.

The moral of the story, obviously, is never send your kids to summer camp. Nobody's watching them.

THE MOST ADORABLEST THING YOU'LL SEE IN 2012 AND IT'S ONLY JANUARY!!!!

2012-01-26T16:44:00.003-05:00

Apparently, Logan Morrison is having a contest. Apparently, it's a LoMoing contest. I submitted my entry. But, none of that is important because this is the cutestestest thing I've seen in like ever. This baby has to win. We need to make sure of it. Pass along this blog post. RETWEET THIS PHOTO. Tweet LoMo. Direct message him. Call him on the phone. Send him snail mail. Do whatever you have to do because this baby MUST. WIN. THIS. CONTEST.

Get to it, people. Make it happen.

DETROIT PISTONS TRY TO OUT MARLINS THE MARLINS, SUCCEED

2012-01-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

Oh, it's on Detroit. It's so on.

(h/t @adamsmoot)

POSTS THAT NEVER HAPPENED: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM JEFFREY LORIA AND DAVID SAMSON

2012-01-25T11:00:00.001-05:00

Mo money, mo free agents.

Now that Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder have both signed with teams that aren't the Marlins, this blog post has officially become wasted material. But wasted material is only wasted if you don't use it. And we're an environmentally-friendly blog, so we can't just go around wasting posts like that and fucking up the Earth. Anyway, this is some of what you would've seen had everything gone down differently during the Winter Meetings.

POSTS THAT NEVER HAPPENED: THE BATTLE FOR STICK FIGURE AND OTHER SUCH PHOTOSHOP/MS PAINT SHENANIGAN DOMINANCE JUST GOT REAL

2012-01-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

Your move, penguin...

TODAY IN BASEBALL NEWS ABOUT BOSTON THAT WILL SURPRISE EXACTLY NO ONE

2012-01-24T07:35:00.006-05:00

Former Marlins outfielder, World. Series. Champion. and guy with the cutest butt in the majors, Cody Ross, signed a one-year, $3 million contract with the Boston Red Sox, making this the most obvious move in the history of baseball. Ever.

For a player like Cody, Boston was about as perfect a destination as he was going to find. Fans will love his hustle (his whiteness), media will love his attitude (his whiteness), and the team will love his grittiness and determination (his whiteness and whiteness).

According to ESPN.com:

Ross figures to be given every chance to leap ahead of Darnell McDonald in a potential platoon in right field and will come to camp hoping to convince new Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine that he should play every day ahead of Ryan Sweeney.

Of course, he will. Darnell never stood a chance.

STATE REP WITH LEWD NAME HATES WHEN YOU DO LEWD THINGS WITH PICTURES OF LOGAN MORRISON

2012-01-23T07:42:00.005-05:00

Do you enjoy Photoshopping the heads of baseball players onto naked bodies? Are you someone who likes to use digital manipulation to see what Matt Nokes would look like in the middle of a Muslim threesome? Well, if that's you, then Georgia State Representative Pam Dickerson wants you thrown in jail for up to a year.

It’s about time that somebody had the temerity to stand up to the Internet and say “No! You must stop photoshopping people’s heads onto other people’s naked bodies!!” and State Representative Pam Dickerson from District 95 is just the lady to make this a reality with her recently announced House Bill 680.

As you might have already guessed, the internet wasn't exactly thrilled with this one. Jim Galloway of the Atlanta Journal Constitution brings up an even better point, though:

There is a presumption in the legislation, of course, that the head would be the offended body part in these cases. No recourse would be offered to Matthew McConaughey’s torso if it suddenly should find itself topped with the head of Mitt Romney.

While this bill doesn't necessarily have any real affect on this site, you can understand the concern. I mean, sure, it's just about Photoshopped heads, but how long before we're banning the use of stick figure misrepresentation? It's a slippery slope, people.

HAPPY @$^!&*% BIRTHDAY, OZZIE

2012-01-20T12:41:00.002-05:00

CLASSY METS FAN THEATRE: 1/20/12

2012-01-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

This has been another episode of Classy Mets Fan Theatre, brought to you, in part, by General Electric.

LEBRON JAMES DOESN'T KNOW THE OLD FAT MAN HE ALMOST KILLED

2012-01-19T21:57:00.005-05:00

But you do. Enjoy.

(h/t: This place.)

DEAL IN PLACE TO HAVE PEOPLE CLEAN THE BALLPARK YOU CAN'T GET TO

2012-01-19T07:43:00.005-05:00

If you're bored, here's a link that contains more words than you ever cared to read about the selection process that decided exactly who would be cleaning up after your sloppy kids in the Marlins new ballpark that you still have no way to get to.

And here are a few passages that sound really wonderful, but are probably loaded with bullshit because everyone who builds or runs a business in Miami is a shady fucking liar:

Miami-Dade spokeswoman Suzy Trutie said the Marlins were free to negotiate as they wished for their few private contracts. And Jose Galan, the county’s project manager for ballpark construction, said the Marlins have exceeded all the hiring “aspirational goals” set for them by administrations from Miami and Miami-Dade.
For those contracts, the Marlins agreed 50 percent of the workforce would come from Miami-Dade. Galan says they’ve exceeded that by 20 percent. The team also agreed to hire 10 percent of the workforce from the city of Miami. Though that number is actually been closer to 27 percent. The team also agreed that one in three of the firms hired would be based locally. And with all the contracts done, and the start of the 2012 season less than four months away, more than half of the 61 firms that won bids are local.
And though there’s no requirement, the Marlins say they are well ahead of their goal of hiring 15 percent of the operational workforce locally. Though those jobs aren’t particularly high paying, they are longer-term employment than construction work.

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/01/14/4187400/contract-to-clean-miami-marlins.html#storylink=cpy

Which means that if you read between some lines here and there, you'll probably see that something like six people from Miami have jobs. YAY, CORRUPTION!*

(* I'm still deciding if "YAY, CORRUPTION" would make an awesome Miami t-shirt or not.)

WHO IS LOGAN MORRISON?

2012-01-18T08:01:00.005-05:00

Logan Justis Morrison was born in 1993**, with a rare condition known as tuberculosis.** After undergoing multiple surgeries**, one of which required the removal of two fingers on his left hand**, Morrison was told he'd never play baseball again.**

But, that wouldn't stop young Logan.

With the help of a Russian doctor named Surei**, by age 10, Logan Morrison had regenerated both missing fingers and had even grown an extra thumb on the outer side of his hand**, allowing him to grip the baseball much tighter than before. This new abnormality would help Morrison develop an unhittable slider**, allowing him to become the #1 pitching prospect in all of Tennessee.**

In 1985**, Morrison was drafted by the New York Mets**, but traded to the Florida Marlins in the now-infamous Jason Isringhausen deal.** There, he'd thrive as the team's starting catcher**, breaking numerous club records** and earning himself a trip to three consecutive All-Star Games.** Logan Morrison remains with the club today and was one of the biggest factors in last year's stunning World Series victory over the Boston Red Sox.**

Aside from being a phenomenal athlete, Logan Morrison is also a prolific user and ardent supporter of the social media website known as Twitter. In just a few short years, El Lomo Guapo (as his fans call him)** has amassed more than 95,000 Twitter followers**—more than Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga combined.**

One day, Morrison hopes to settle down in a log cabin in New Jersey** with his beautiful wife, Patricia**, and twin daughters, Sandra and Lacey.**

It's still early in this young man's career, but Logan Morrison could very well be the role model that Major League Baseball has been searching for for a very long time.

(** - Unable to verify as fact due to January 18, 2012 Wikipedia blackout.)

MIAMI MARLINS SET TO BEGIN SEASON IN NEW BALLPARK YOU PROBABLY CAN'T GET TO

2012-01-16T07:16:00.004-05:00

It would be surprisingly stupid if someone were to build a brand new ballpark, with limited parking, in a highly congested city, without having a concrete plan in place for those folks who didn't feel like sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic only to have to park on a stranger's lawn.

Um... SURPRISE!...?

Just three months before the $634 million, publicly funded stadium’s April 4 opening, city and Miami-Dade County officials have secured none of several promised transit improvements.
Those range from new city trolleys to Metrobus shuttles from nearby Metrorail stations, as well as designated pedestrian and bicycle routes to the ballpark.

After more than a year of meetings between city and county officials and a transportation planner working for the Marlins, the transit blueprint remains little more than a wish list, hampered by lack of funding and the Marlins’ apparent unwillingness to help pay for improvements.

I'd like to imagine that the idiots involved will figure something out relatively soon—mostly because I refuse to believe grown men can ever be this stupid—so, as a fan, I wouldn't worry too much. But, the fact that someone even had the chance to write a two-page article about this situation probably doesn't inspire much faith.

CARLOS ZAMBRANO ADOPTS GUATEMALAN BOY TO BEAT MERCILESSLY

2012-01-12T10:37:00.006-05:00

The water coolers in As-Yet-Unnamed Marlins Ballpark are safe, at least for the time being, as Carlos Zambrano flew to Guatemala this week to adopt a young boy named Kenneth, who will likely serve as the 30-year-old pitcher's personal piñata during especially bad outings this season.

In years past, "El Toro" (Which, loosely translated, means "The Suck".) has had no qualms about taking his frustrations out on a plastic container of water, but some members of the front office, concerned about the amount of money the Marlins have put into the new ballpark, have suggested he find other ways to release his anger. Which is exactly what Big Z plans on doing with his new toy.

One source close to Zambrano says that the pitcher's plans include "covering that little bitch in some Batman-type armor shit, maybe make him wear like a catcher's mask or something, and beating the fuck out of him with a bat."

Added Darren Rovell on Twitter, "Now accepting future Big Z headlines. Leader in the clubhouse: "OH MY GOD, HE KILLED KENNY"

Hopefully Zambrano, who's struggled the last few years, can turn things around and have a bounce back year with the Marlins in 2012. If not for Miami's playoff hopes, then at least for Kenneth.

CHRIS VOLSTAD WANTS NO PART OF YOUR PEA-NESS

2012-01-05T10:10:00.005-05:00

Here's a story from 2009 about Chris Volstad's mom, Colleen, and her love of cooking. In it, we get a splendid pineapple cheese casserole recipe and this wonderful nugget about the soon-to-be former Marlins pitcher:

Chris is a very adventuresome diner and always has been. He’s interested in trying new dishes as long as peas are not involved. Even as a baby he didn’t like peas!

Chris Volstad hates the peas. And as the Cubs are about to find out, he's also not very fond of the W's and K's...

BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG NEWS!!!!!

2012-01-02T09:44:00.005-05:00

So, the other day, before the fireworks went off, your balls dropped, and your 2011 Kittens of the Month calendar became obsolete, something crazy happened...

Me: Hey girl, you wanna spend the rest of your life watching me draw stick figures?
Girl: OH FO SHO!
Me: SHWEEEEEEET! Here, wear this metal object with a shiny diamond on your finger!

And so, just like that*, your fearless leader and master of stick figure animations, Mr. Strip Club With Stanton, AKA: @BoobiesNStanton, was engaged!

Now, I know this might upset some of you ladies, because I know you only read this site so you can feel a deeper connection with a guy you know nothing about, other than that he's so super funny and adorable, but I promise you that this changes nothing between us. And, fellas, I'll still continue to post pictures of lady parts from time to time, so no worries there, either. The future Mrs. Boobies is TOTES COOL with my ridiculousness!

Happy 2012, everyone! You're all invited to the wedding!

*Conversation may or may not have happened just like that.

MIAMI MARLINS NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: 2012

2011-12-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

The new year is coming up just around the corner, so it's time to make a list of all the things you say you're going to do before you quit doing them two weeks into January. With that in mind, I thought it'd be fun to get a bunch of the guys together to talk about what they're planning to do differently in the coming year. So, fellas, what are some of your New Year's resolutions for 2012?

My New Year's resolution is to work hard, get back to where I was before the injury and try and be the ace this team needs. You know, with the pitching staff we have and the players we're putt–

Ice cream.

[Nods head.]

I wasn't done ye–

My eh reselooshone es to eh play de shorestop poseeshone better den eh lasss year.

More ice cream.

[Nods head.]

Bang more groupies.

I mean de eh… de turd base poseeshone. Ya. Thas what I toll to say– I mean, what I eh wan to do.

[Smiles.]

Learned my lesson last season, guy. I ain't sayin' nothin' to you 'bout faggots this year.

Gimme a sec. I just have to ask Marissa if I'm allowed to talk to you about this…

Probably tweet less...

She says I can't. Sorry, dude.

Ah, shit, I did it again. Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word "faggot." What I meant to say was "the gays."

Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. I'mma tweet a whole fucking lot more this year. I'll try to be funnier, though.

I eh twee too. I eh gon to try to eh retwee more of tha fan these ye–

Rocky. Effing. Road.

[Nods head.]

There was this one chick. Ohmygod. Yeah, I'm totally gonna nail more hot girls in 2012.

Babe, c'mon! He's just the guy from that websi– What? Of course I wanna sleep in the bedroom tonight. What kind of question is that?

Jaja. Aye Stee, yoo eh poosywhip.

[Tweets] @srShrek31: stop being such a bitch. #newyearsresolutions

Just one girl after another, after another, after another...

[Smiles.]

Maybe some pistachio ice cream. You ever go to a Chinese buffet? Pistachio is always the best one there. Yeah, more pistachio ice cream.

[Nods head.]

Black girls, white girls, Asian girls…

Babe, now the guys are all making fun of me!

[Tweets] @srShrek31: SMH

Steve, you're such a fag.

Puerto Rican girls. They got them big asses. French girls, Russian girls…

Fuck. I did it again, didn't I?

Skinny bitches, fat bitches... My god, I'm gonna nail 'em all!

Can I finish what I was saying already? Geez. So, yeah, with the rotation we've got, I don't see wh–

MOTHER FUCKIN' DOVE BARS!!!

[Nods head.]

[Smiles.]

GO HANLEY IT'S YOUR BIRFDAY

2011-12-23T11:38:00.003-05:00

Happy birthday. May the party in Apartamento 3B be a memorable one.

HANLEY RAMIREZ VOICES DISPLEASURE, DEMANDS TRADE

2011-12-07T07:28:00.006-05:00

SCWS News has learned that, in a meeting with David Samson, Jeffrey Loria and Larry Beinfest late last night, Hanley Ramirez has expressed his displeasure and frustration with the team's recent decisions and has ultimately demanded a trade.

"Pizza, bro? Why they no order Chineeee?" he told SCWS News, referring to the organization's dinner choice at the late night meeting. "Nobody eh wanna eat eh sheese an oils dees late en la noche. Come on, main. Trade dees stuff to de ah Orioles for dey spreeng rolls an eh booket of pork lo mein, joo know?"

A distraught Hanley Ramirez then took a soggy garlic roll and threw it at David Samson before walking out of the meeting room, angrily muttering to himself and a few nearby reporters, "Pizza? Das some boolsheet, bro."

No word yet on whether or not the Marlins front office gave in to his demands, or will in the future, but it might be in the team's best interest to cater to the star shortstop. After all, Albert Pujols and Jose Reyes will wind up costing this organization a fortune. Hanley, on the other hand, might only cost them a fortune... cookie.

FIRST THEY CAME...

2011-12-05T07:21:00.000-05:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEW CLOSER FOR YOUR MIAMI MARLINS...

2011-12-01T23:01:00.003-05:00

[via this place]

JOHN BAKER'S CLOSET JUST GOT 33% MORE UGLIER

2011-11-23T07:43:00.003-05:00

We'll miss you, ManBearWolf...

BECAUSE PLANKING AND TEBOWING WEREN'T DUMB ENOUGH...

2011-11-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

The internet is only big enough for one silly meme at a time, so now that the kids are finished Tebowing, perhaps they could find time in their not-so-busy schedules to try Stantoning: the act of tipping your sunglasses forward and pretending you're a cocky motorcycle cop in various situations.

Okay, internet. Let's see some pictures. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... GO!

A MUTHA FUCKIN GAY FISH

2011-11-14T07:24:00.005-05:00

So, yeah, this happened on Friday night. Well, no, actually this happened. Depends on how you feel about it, I suppose. Either way, big thanks to @Thunda39's Twitter picture for being the best thing on the internet during these troubling times.

Also, if you'd like to read like a lot of words on the new Marlins uniforms and stuff, then you can go here and read what I wrote. It has pretty pictures and diagrams, too, for those of you who like that sort of thing.

Also, also, if you truly hate the Marlins new duds, then pick yourself up one of these. They're selling like hot cakes!

TWENTY-TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, GIANCARLO CRUZ MICHAEL STANTON WAS BORN...

2011-11-08T16:44:00.007-05:00

Let's all celebrate the only way we know how.

Happy birthday, Mike.

***CLICK AHEAD IF YOU'D LIKE TO CELEBRATE WITH US AND AREN'T AFRAID OF GETTING FIRED***

BLEEDING GLOVE

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

On my way up to Orlando this weekend, my car swore to me that Leona Lewis was singing about Hanley Ramirez's questionable defense...

THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME SO VULGAR IT MAKES A SHIT STAIN SEEM PLEASANT

2011-11-02T09:58:00.001-04:00

A few days ago, the fine gentlepeople behind the incredibly wonderful site known as Zoo With Roy (you may have heard of it) held a Halloween Costume Contest. I entered. There was a first place, a second place and a third place. Then there were babies and animals. Then there was a guy dressed as a shit stain.

I didn't make the cut. :(

I didn't beat out a hotdog. Or a devil. Or two Power Rangers. Not beating the baby dressed like the Phillie Phanatic, I get, because that kid was so fucking cute. But the shit stain?!? Really?!?

So, here's my entry, because I did not have my girlfriend take 30-40 shots of me in this costume to get the perfect photo to NOT have it sitting on the internet. Hope you enjoy. (You, too, ZWR. I ain't mad at cha.)

THIS

2011-10-07T11:10:00.001-04:00

via here

STATE OF THE BOOBIES ADDRESS 2011

2011-09-30T08:09:00.004-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, children, cats, dogs, single-celled organisms, lamp shades, desk chairs, various other inanimate objects and Dan Uggla:

Today, we look back on a trying season, a difficult season, physically and emotionally, and we reflect. We wonder what went wrong, where the promise of a brighter future somehow gave way to the harsh realities of a sobering present. But, while this is a day to look back and to wonder what might have been, it is also a day to look forward, toward the future, toward what could be. To see the prize in front of us and recognize that it is ours for the taking, right after we figure out how to beat the Nationals.

Oh, this season was long and it was torturous at times, but like my momma always said, "What doesn't kill you will only make you sick enough to go to the doctor, who won't be able to help you, so he'll send you to a specialist, who will probably overcharge you and misdiagnose your ailment, and you'll eventually wind up in the emergency room, where they'll pump you full of medication that will only make you stronger."

Fellow Marlinicans, we've been through a lot this year, but we've been through it all together, through thick and thin. From helping Donnie Murphy search deep within to understand his obvious homophobia, to breaking the bad news to John Baker about a child he may or may not have brought into this world, to exposing Logan Morrison's torrid affair with a small insect, we've come strong and made our mark on the blogosphere.

There were Mermaid scandals and coaching scandals and LoMo scandals and logo scandals. We annoyed some very prominent bloggers and became bestest buddies with some others. There were crazy people showing up to the stadium, strange women showing up on the JumboTron and naked men showing up in the outfield. And there were t-shirts. Oh my, were there t-shirts.

We created a game that swept the internet for seven whole minutes, ranking 4137th in Longest Running Memes according to the Internet World Record Committee. Success!

Along the way, we delighted in other teams' misery while wallowing in our own. We lost some good friends out there in JJ and Hanley and Edwin. But, we also got an old one back. And man, it was wonderful seeing him again.

At one point, we realized that this blog wasn't enough, so we took to the airwaves and made some bold predictions that, unfortunately, came true. Then, things really started to get out of hand when we began popping up in the most unlikely of places.

We got rid of Chris Volstad. And then we didn't.

We had a costume party. And then we didn't.

We had Leo Nunez. And then we didn't.

And through it all, through the heartache and the misery, we stayed the course, the goal always remaining the same: spending an evening at the strip club with Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton.

Our dream was never achieved, but Mike gave us some great moments this season, anyway. Thirty-four of them to be exact. And with each wonderful moment came an equally wonderful reward. His day at the Home Run Derby. The Stantongasm Meter®. The Stanton Face. Jiggling boobies. It was all chronicled right here on this blog for all to enjoy.

It is time we move on, though. On to a new place, with new clothes and a new logo. Gone are the empty bathrooms and baron concession stands of Joe Player Sun Shark Stadium. Gone is the faded logo of the University of Miami in short right field. Not gone, however, is the dream. The dream to one day be able to fist bump with Mike Stanton while the two of us get lap dances from coked out Russian women whose parents never paid them enough attention.

Yes, my fellow Marlinicans, the dream remains. And my hope is that next year, you'll join me again as the journey continues.

I'd like to close this address today with something my momma used to tell me when I was just a child. A saying I heard over and over. A saying that has stuck with me and helped mold me into the person I am today. She'd say:

"Son, success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well... Like eating pussy. Which is why I married your father."

Thank you. God bless you all, and may God bless this blog with unrealistic amounts of ad revenue.

AND FOR JUST ONE DAY, THIS PLACE FELT A LITTLE BIT LIKE 1997 AGAIN

2011-09-29T07:28:00.004-04:00

The Marlins managed just three hits in a 3-1 loss to the Nationals, though, so it also felt a lot like 2011.

LOOK WHO'S COMING HOME TO PLAY...

2011-09-28T08:57:00.000-04:00

I HAZ A SAD. IN A MINUTE, YOU WILL TOO.

2011-09-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

So, this is it. Our last week together. Not gonna lie, I got a little choked up just typing that.

Yes, it's true. I'm leaving you. The good news, though, is that I'll be back again next year. It's just that there's nothing to talk about during the offseason and nobody reads baseball blogs in January and I really just wanna go out drinking a lot more and writing at night gets in the way of that.

So, yeah, this is our last few days before I vanish into thin internet air. Tomorrow, I'll draw you a nice pretty picture, then on Friday I'll post a really long State of the Boobies Address. It'll be fun. Promise.

Also, bye bye Jack.

Photo via this dude's Flickr page.

INTRODUCING JUAN CARLOS OVIEDO

2011-09-23T07:38:00.003-04:00

Also, those Wikipedia people sure are quick...

LOGOGATE® DAY II: SAMSON SPEAKS

2011-09-22T07:39:00.005-04:00

You know shit just got real when Steve Shapiro of Channel 7 news gets in on the action.

In other Logogate news, Marlins Die Hards confirms the rumor that UniWatch confirms the rumor that the Miami ~~Metrorail~~ Marlins logo is for realz, yo!

Unfortunately, David Samson won't. MDH posted this quote from Tiny Tim:

"I'm not saying anything was leaked or wasn't leaked," Samson said. "I read about so much stuff on the Internet that it's hard to keep track of it all."

All that midget porn. I mean, really, how's one supposed to keep track of it all? But, that wasn't the only quote Samson gave yesterday. On his weekly radio show with Dan The Bastard and Stuart Gotz, the Marlins president had this to say about the widespread chaos caused by Logogate®:

"I actually haven't seen a reaction, because I'm not focused on that, cause we're releasing it on November 11th...Word of a leak of our logo has not been one part of one minute of my day today."

Which is probably true, since he did help kill some guy earlier in the day, or something like that. When pressed on the matter of the logo, though, he responded:

"Yeah, the logo will be released on November 11th. Other than that, there's nothing to say. It's going to be a great event down here at the ballpark and our new retail line goes on sale that night, as well as, more importantly, we changed the Miami Marlins. Our official franchise, the Florida Marlins comes to an end on Wednesday the 28th, in terms of games, but in terms of the franchise, it ends on November 11th and Miami starts on the night of November 11th."

There was a lot of stuttering and stammering edited out of that last quote. Stuttering and stammering that may've indicated that the person speaking those words was maybe hiding something. Or that he was nervous. Or that he was getting a blow job. Really, it could be any of those. Or it could be none of those. Which is what makes Logogate® so much fun!

As for the Marlins, David Samson had this to say about the team:

"The team is CRAP, right? The season's coming to a merciful end –THANK GOD – so there's no news there."

Oh, David. You can come write for Strip Club With Stanton anytime!

UPDATE: Dan Uggla, you can come write for SCWS, too!

“I feel bad for those guys if they have to wear that next year,” Uggla said. “I think it should be officially deleted.”
When asked what he thought was wrong with it, Uggla said “everything.”

KILL IT!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

2011-09-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

According to leaked images, message boards, anonymous sources and multiple rabid ferrets, that horrendous thing you see above is your Miami Marlins new logo. Well, something like that, anyway. Last night, exceptional Marlins blogger and man I once awkwardly watched a baseball game with, Ted Hill, sent the Twittersphere into a frenzy by releasing this into wild:

Then Twitter went crazy and sports blogs picked it up and everyone wound up forgetting that last night saw Darth Fucking Vader throw out the first pitch. Happy now, Ted?

More importantly, though, and this is not to be taken lightly, this logo might be the worst fucking thing in the history of fucking things. And I don't say this as a Marlins fan who values history and tradition and bitches about every little change a team makes. No, I say this as an art director who pays his rent and his car payments and his utility bills with the paychecks his company hands him twice a month for -- you guessed it -- DESIGNING LOGOS.

That abomination of a logo you see up there? That's either the handywork of someone who picked up Adobe Illustrator for the first time yesterday, or it's what happens when a self-important art-douche tries his hand at sports logos.

Logos of professional baseball teams are supposed to look classic and timeless, like the Yankees or the Cardinals. They aren't supposed to look like futuristic cartoon birds or letters from a cheesy Mexican restaurant's menu. And they certainly aren't supposed to look like Romero Brito masturbated all over your favorite player's uniform! This thing is awful on top of awful on top of awful. It's a fucking joke.

I hope that, for their sake, the Marlins marketing department is checking Twitter. I hope they're witnessing the shit-storm that's coming their way if this is, in fact, the logo of your Miami Marlins. More than anything, though, I hope that this was just some sick and twisted joke and that the real logo the team is going to unveil next month looks like something that was designed by a person with eyes. Fully-functioning eyes. Eyes that would look at this hideous thing and have a fucking seizure.

HAPPY STAR WARS DAY EVERYBODY!!!

2011-09-20T08:17:00.003-04:00

Today is Star Wars Day at Sun Life Stadium. Which is kinda like Bark At The Park, except instead of inconsiderate assholes who like to bring their dogs to places dogs have no place being and couldn't possibly appreciate – like, say, a restaurant or a movie theater or a fucking Marlins game – the stadium will be filled with a handful of slutty Storm Troopers and a bunch of guys those Storm Troopers wouldn't fuck if their dicks were made of diamonds.

I can't make it out tonight, so if you find yourself at the game and you just happen to have a camera and you just happen to see people dressed up like Darth Vader or Jar Jar Binks, send the photos on over and I'll get those posted so the entire internet to can mock them accordingly.

...AND HIDE YA HUSBANDS CUZ THEY RAPING EVERYBODY OUT HERE

2011-09-19T07:37:00.006-04:00

This weekend, the Marlins beat the Nationals, yadda, yadda, yadda, you probably don't even care anyway. I know I don't. I gave up on this season not too long after the Marlins did.

Anyway, there's only a week and a half left on the schedule, so instead of boring you with game results and effort and things that blogs of playoff teams would do, I'm going to start doing season recaps. In photos. Of stick figures. FUCK YEAH! Because, really, that's why you keep coming back here anyway.

It'll all begin tomorrow. For now, enjoy that this video of an internet meme that died a while back but still cheers me up whenever the Marlins make me want to punch myself in the dick.

THREE HEADED FIRE BREATHING STANTON MONSTER WITH HUGE BALLS? THREE HEADED FIRE BREATHING STANTON MONSTER WITH HUGE BALLS.

2011-09-16T07:32:00.003-04:00

via the wonderfully twister mind of @CEDisRICKo

DO YOU LIKE THE MARLINS? DO YOU LIKE MIDGETS? WELL, THEN I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN

2011-09-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you dress a mustacheoed midget like a member of the Florida Marlins, blindfold him and spin him around until he gets dizzy? I honestly have no idea what you get, other than the greatest 30 seconds of YouTube known to man.

I couldn't tell you what's going on in any of these photos or the accompanying video, but I felt it was my duty as your dedicated blogger of all things Marlins and midgets, to bring this wonderful collection of ridiculousness to your attention. So, yeah, if a blindfolded, dizzy, mustacheoed midget Marlin is the kind of thing you'd like to see on a Thursday morning, the 8-minute mark of the video is where you wanna be. And if anyone has any idea what the fuck is going on here, please feel free to enlighten the rest of us in the comments section...

BRAD HAND DOES THIS PITCHING THING POORLY

2011-09-13T20:16:00.000-04:00

CONVERSATIONS WITH UGGLA: EPISODE I

2011-09-13T08:58:00.004-04:00

MARLINS BEAT PIRATES, BUT YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSY WORRYING ABOUT DANNY AMENDOLA'S DISLOCATED LEFT ELBOW

2011-09-12T07:25:00.004-04:00

The Marlins did some pretty crazy things this weekend. They scored, like, eleventy billion runs in one inning one night, Anibal allowed -7 hits the next, and they completed a sweep of the lowly Pirates the following day. All in all, a pretty successful weekend, if you ask me. Unfortunately, nobody saw it because, with college football going strong, Week 1 of the NFL season starting up, and OMFG!!! YOUR FANTASY TEAM!!!!, the Marlins were essentially wearing their invisibility cloaks. Which is pretty much how it's going to be for the rest of the season. Chris Volstad can whip his penis out and pee on the pitchers mound in the middle of the third inning and nobody in the world would ever find out.

I'll keep fighting the good fight over here, though, but in case you just can't resist the urge and you ultimately feel the need to scratch that itchy pigskin, go do so at Fins Nation. They've got pictures of half-naked hot girls and they curse a lot and love nothing more than to suffer through an entire Dolphins season with you. You may even remember them from that slightly humorous interview we did that one time. And, oh hey, look! We've got Dolphins t-shirts! Get em while they're hot! Though, I don't really know why the temperature of cotton would be of any importance to you.

Also, if you searched the internet for the next 45 years, you'd have a hard time finding a better photo to sum up the Pittsburgh Pirates than the one you see above.

THE ONLY PIRATES YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING THIS WEEKEND ARE THESE PIRATES

2011-09-09T07:53:00.005-04:00

Last night, the Marlins didn't play... and it was magical. Because the Saints and Packers did, which means that it's now officially football season and you can slowly begin to forget about the last three months of miserable Marlins baseball and start thinking about the next three months of miserable Dolphins football! HOORAY!

Of course, that doesn't mean that you can forget about the Marlins altogether. Just, that you're allowed to skip the occasional series. Like this next one against the Pirates. I mean, really, who the fuck is watching three mid-September Marlins/Pirates games? But, if you do plan on watching them, here's a little something to get you all riled up and pissed off at a franchise nobody cares about...

From Post-Gazette beat writer Michael Sanserino:

For the last time ever, the Pirates will play host to the Florida Marlins.
No, the Marlins aren't being contracted. Although some days, it appears they should.

OOOOH BURN!!! Yes, that zinger was brought to you by a beat writer from a team ranked 21st in the league in attendance that hasn't finished above .500 in almost 20 years. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. The last time that abomination of a franchise was any good, I was trying to get girls to show me their tits in a Prodigy chat room. So, you know, maybe hold off on the jokes until you're not the autistic kid making fun of the retarded boy.

AP PHOTO CAPTION WRITER TYPE PERSON TOTALLY NAILS THIS ONE

2011-09-07T08:25:00.003-04:00

THE FLORIDA MARLINS: DOING THEIR PART TO ENSURE THAT BLACK PEOPLE NEVER EVER STEP FOOT IN A BASEBALL STADIUM

2011-09-06T11:55:00.001-04:00

Sure, keeping track of strikeouts at a baseball game is something every stadium does, but maybe the Marlins should have thought about the uncomfortable situation they might find themselves in when they've also placed a random section of all-white seats directly under their K-count.

But, what do I know? I'm just a white, Jewish blogger from a middle class family. Let's, instead, check in with Strip Club With Stanton's Vice President of Race Relations and Fried Chicken. What say you, Jerome?

Welp. There ya have it.

FIN

2011-09-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I attended the final Sunday afternoon Marlins game in the history of Joe Player Sun Shark Stadium. It was the Phillies. It was Roy Halladay. It was 15,000 Phillies fans. It was 10 Marlins fans. It was one fan getting hit with a ball. It was an old Spanish lady getting hit with a bat. It was two idiot Phillies fans getting ejected. It was one idiot Phillies manager getting ejected. It was Hanley-less. It was Stanton-less. It was hot. Then it was rainy. Then it was hot again. It was 14 innings of edge-of-your-seat baseball. It was played poorly. And when it came time for it to end, it ended exactly how it should have. Appropriately. With a walk-off walk. An exciting moment made boring. Like everything that happens in that stadium on a sweltering Sunday afternoon.

And I'm glad I was a part of it. Now, let the Dolphins have their damn field back. Being forced to watch Olindo Mare shank field goals off the dirt was pitiful.

EVEN GAY GUYS ARE LIKE, "HOLY SHIT, THAT'S GAY."

2011-09-02T07:53:00.006-04:00

It's official. The Marlins suck. I mean, they've sucked for a while, but with last night's loss, they've guaranteed that the franchise will never win the NL East in Joe Player Dolphin Life Stadium. Oh, well. At least they're not mathematically eliminated from the Wild Card race yet! Also, you'll probably never catch them doing anything as gay as what Jose Reyes and Angel Pagan are doing above.

...Nevermind.

JACK MCKEON IS JOE FRISARO, JOE FRISARO IS JACK MCKEON

2011-09-01T08:30:00.005-04:00

Joe Frisaro, August 28, 2011:

Jack McKeon, August 31, 2011:

“Well, that’s two good outings, but he’s got two Ls,” the 80-year-old manager said. “Quality start. Big deal. I want quality wins. I don’t want quality starts, I want quality wins.”

The logical conclusion we can draw from this, of course, is that there's a logical replacement for Jack McKeon at the end of this season. Ladies and gentlemen, the manager of your 2012 Florida Marlins... JOE FRISARO!

MIKE PELFREY IS AN ASSHOLE

2011-08-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

I know this is more Mets-related than Marlins-related, but I promised a friend (a Mets fan) I would write this, so just sit tight while I do him this favor. Plus, it's rather enjoyable to discuss something that drives Mets fans crazy, so you know, there's that.

Mike Pelfrey is an asshole. Not just your average asshole, either. He's like a super-duper, piece of shit, jackass, horse-fucking asshole.

With Johan Santana (remember him?!) still out of the Mets rotation, Mike Pelfrey is, for lack of a better word, the ace of the staff. Laughable? Yes, but, that's what he is. And he's a fucking awful one. Not just because he stinks either, although that would be more than enough reason to brand him an asshole. No, it's because he seems to think nothing of taking the entire Mets bullpen with him as he spirals into a fiery pit of suck.

One of the jobs of a starting pitcher, one rarely spoken about, is to eat innings while also being pretty good. Being awesome for five innings means nothing if the team has to try and figure out how to get through the last four with a bunch of shitsack relievers. And that's why Mike Pelfrey is an ass.

Before last night's game, I tweeted that Pelfrey was good for 117 pitches through 4.1 innings. I was using hyperbole. And I was only off by 5 outs and a pitch.

Pelfrey isn't hard to figure out. He goes out there and he nibbles. And then he nibbles some more. And then some more. And then, before anyone realizes it, it's the 5th inning and he's already over 100 pitches. He's either too stupid or too stubborn to change. Good pitchers don't nibble. They fucking attack. Roy Halladay completes entire games in 120 pitches. He's only gone less than six innings twice this year. Pelfrey, in his last six starts, has gone longer than six innings just once. He went a whole one out longer than six innings, actually. 6.1 innings. 107 pitches. Fucking douche.

The Mets need one asshole pitcher per year to fill a quota and for the last few years, Oliver Perez filled that role nicely. But, with Perez gone, someone else needed to step up, and boy has Pelfrey delivered. If different types of assholes made up a fruit cocktail, Mike Pelfrey would be the maraschino cherry.

Luckily, I'm not a Mets fan and I don't have to stare at Pelfrey's stupid face every five days -- I have Chris Volstad for that! -- but if I did have to, I'd probably wind up smacking it with a hot fucking skillet. I'll be at the game on Tuesday night, so if I see Pelfrey and I happened to have just made sausage, I promise you, Mets fans, I'll do it in your honor.

YES LADIES, HE'S SINGLE...

2011-08-30T07:49:00.002-04:00

(Terrifying photo by Christopher Pasatieri/Getty Images)

SCWS & ZWR: STORY OF A RAINOUT

2011-08-29T09:00:00.005-04:00

Forty-five minutes later...

GIRL TAKES ADORABLE PHOTOGRAPHS, LOMO TRIES HIS BEST TO NOT RUIN THEM

2011-08-26T07:31:00.007-04:00

It's Friday and you've made it through another harrowing work week without stabbing any of your co-workers. Awesome! Let's celebrate by gawing at the woman who let Logan Morrison take super duper cute photos with her. You can thank Deadspin for the photos, who can thank Facebook, who can thank the photography studio, who can thank an exhibitionistic society's need to post anything and everything on the internet for the entire universe to see. So, you know, thank you to all those people for making these photos appear on my computer screen.

(Note: If you put your little hand thingy on them and push down, they get a little bigger and better. Sort of works like my prostate.)

IF THAT MANY PEOPLE REALLY BOUGHT MY SHIRT, I'D BE RICH

2011-08-25T07:31:00.007-04:00

I know I poke fun at the Marlins attendance woes from time to time, and get annoyed when other media outlets use it as a way of disparaging a franchise they know nothing about, but I gotta tell ya, I'm kind of dreading the day that you'll see more fans in a particular section than empty seats.

It sounds ridiculous, because who doesn't enjoy a ballgame with a great, lively crowd?

Me, that's who.

The way things are right now, I can walk out in the middle of an inning to grab a corn dog and not block the view of a single person. And I might be back in time to catch the end of the same at-bat, because there aren't any lines at any of the concession stands to slow me down. No assholes standing at the counter, staring blankly at the cashier, because they have no idea what they want, even though there are only, like, 6 things on the entire menu, keeping 35-40 other people from getting back to their seats to watch Mike Stanton splatter a baseball's brains all over the upper deck.

No, being at a Minor League game masquerading as a Major League game is a wonderful experience and fuck you with a splintered, wooden dick if you disagree. Keep pretending you enjoy going to Wrigley and rubbing shoulders with the slobs on either side of you for three hours. Go ahead, tell me you like it when you miss an inning and a half because you had to wait on a ridiculous line to take a piss. You fucking hate it. Just say it. You're the same selfish asshole who would murder an old lady if she held up the deli line by asking to try the Colby Jack, but somehow, when it comes to baseball, you want people impeding your progress in every conceivable way? You're a fucking liar.

The only thing a crowded stadium lets you do is thumb your nose at fans of teams who don't have crowded stadiums. Teams with large, obnoxious fanbases that pack their stadiums are the Prime Italian of baseball stadiums. Overpriced and overhyped, all it lets you do is look down upon the peasants dining at Vignetto's, even though the chicken parmesan they're eating is better, their sauce is fresher and their bread just gave them an orgasm.

So, yeah, I hope nobody shows up to games in the new stadium. And I hope I'm the only one in my section. And I hope douchey mainstream bloggers continue earning a paycheck for making tired jokes about it. I just hope those same bloggers remember those jokes when they're trying to take a massive shit during a baseball game while there's a line of drunk, impatient assholes barking at them to finish up.

I'll just be over here in one of Sun Life's 47 deserted bathrooms, popping my squat in peace, thankyouverymuch.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S LOGAN MORRISON'S MUSIC!!!

2011-08-24T07:26:00.005-04:00

The Leo Coaster derailed last night, killing 53 children and a small puppy. Hurricane Irene – which isn't actually a hurricane for South Florida, I don't think – is forcing the Marlins to play a doubleheader today. And, oh hey, look, Logan Morrison is back, so that's happening today, too!

Listen, now that LoMo's back, maybe everyone can stop acting like fucking douches, okay? Logan can stop being such a me-me-me asshole, management can stop whipping out its dick and showing everyone how big it is, and fans can stop acting like whiny bitches over every trivial little thing the front office does. Jesus Fucking Christ, people. Let's get our shit together and act like a real franchise, shall we? That sound like something we can all make happen?

Good.

One other note: You may have noticed that I took a brief hiatus from Marlins Daily. That's because my job wanted me to do some actual work and shit. The fuck is their problem, anyway? You probably didn't even miss me, but I'm back. And my post today is so full of Bleacher Report swag that even Bleacher Report is jealous. It's awful. I'm warning you now. This is what happens when your team isn't any kind of relevant and there are still 40 games left in a miserable season that feels like it'll never end. BAD THINGS. BAD THINGS HAPPEN. I'll try to be better going forward. No promises, though. This part of the season is brutal when you aren't allowed to curse.

PADRES COACHES FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE MARLINS AS YOU

2011-08-22T07:18:00.003-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, MOTHER BITCHES!!!

2011-08-19T08:03:00.004-04:00

Sorry for being lazy this week, but between work and birthday festivities, I haven't had much time to draw stick figure Logan Morrisons.

Wait, what's that? Birthday festivities?

Fuck yeah! This quirky blogger is turning 30 tomorrow. THIRTY!!! The beginning of the rest of my life. It's all downhill from here. Which means that when I wake up on Saturday morning, I'll be all cynical and shit. Well, more cynical, I suppose.

Anyway, so that's what's going down. Happy birthday to me. And for fuck sake...

PHOTO WEEK: CODY ROSS BUKKAKE PARTY

2011-08-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

Fair warning: This week, I'm on deadline at work, so I don't really have time to be witty or anything like that. Instead, I went to the game on Sunday and took a buttload of pictures and now I'm going to use them so that I can be lazy and half-ass my way through a week's worth of blog posts. But, these pictures are pretty awesome, so I'm sure you won't mind. And if you do, well, that's what you get for frequenting a crappy little Marlins blog that charges you exactly $0 to read it. Enjoy!

The Cody Home Run Trot

The Cody Home Run Trot (Cont'd)

We Boring You, Cody?

This One's For The Ladies...

How's My Butt? It Look A Little Big In These Pants?

Cody Tries To Hide His Nut-Grabbing

The Cody Nut-Grab: Take I

The Cody Nut-Grab: Take II

The Cody Nut-Grab: Take III

Now, can someone get @sweetcarolin_a a towel, please?

PHOTO WEEK: FANS CAN BE SO CUTE SOMETIMES

2011-08-16T08:00:00.001-04:00

Third Place: I Doubt Your Conviction... And Your Schooling

Second Place: Hat Tip To His 13-Year-Old Sister Who Helped With The Pasting

(DAMMIT, BLINDING SUN!!! *WHAT* ABOUT THE KING OF POP?!? I NEED TO KNOW!!!)

First Place: DeWayne Wise Couldn't Get His Dad Better Seats

THIS PROBABLY NEVER GETS OLD TO BRIAN WILSON

2011-08-15T11:48:00.003-04:00

More pictures from Sunday's game to come...

WES HELMS RELEASED, LOGAN MORRISON OPTIONED, I PEED MY PANTS

2011-08-13T22:46:00.007-04:00

A bit of shocking news out of Marlinland this weekend. After last night's loss to the Giants, WES HELMS WAS RELEASED!!! Oh, and LoMo got optioned to AAA New Orleans. Wait, what? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! WES HELMS?!?

No, really, though. Logan Morrison was sent down. For realz, yo! And the craziest part...

(Pertinent quotes highlighted)

HOLY CONSPIRACY THEORY, BATMAN!!! Time to put on our thinking caps and try to figure out just what the hell happened then...

LOMO & UNCLE WES SUSPECTED OF DISTRIBUTING BEASTIALITY PORN Early Saturday morning, Logan Morrison brings his computer into Best Buy for repairs. (Note: You should never, ever do this.) While snooping around his files, a member of the Geek Squad happens upon a folder titled "OMFGNOWAY", which turns out to be a secret folder where Morrison keeps pictures of women fucking horses and getting plowed by German Shepherds. Geek Squad guy alerts police, who do a thorough search of the hard drive and find emails to Wes Helms containing more photos of deranged animal sex. The Marlins find out just after the game ends and announce that they're releasing Helms and optioning Morrison, which, in actuality, is their way of distancing themselves enough from the two players that by the time the sordid details reach the public, the Marlins aren't attached in any way.

PRACTICAL JOKE GOES AWRY Sometime over the weekend, Wes Helms and Logan Morrison snuck into Samson's house and stole all of this pink dress shirts. By the time Samson realized the prank, it was too late and he had no other shirts to wear to Photo Day. This infuriated Samson and he demanded they both be released. While releasing Helms wasn't a big deal, the organization refused to relase LoMo, instead optioning him to AAA to appease Samson. Oddly enough, Samson still hasn't realized -- and probably never will -- that they replaced all of his dress pants with clothes from Gap Kids.

LOMO DUI After a night of drinking in the dugout, Logan Morrison gets into his car and tries to drive home. Unfortunately, he hits a fan in the parking lot. Wes Helms, driving in the car behind Morrison, swerves and accidentally runs the same fan over again. At this point, the fan is still alive. Barely. In a state of panic Helms inexplicably backs up and runs the fan over again. Both men flee the scene and the fan dies in a pool of his own blood. The two players would've gotten away with the crime, but Helms breaks down in a tearful confession after getting pulled over for failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign in Parkland.

HELMS ROBS BANK, LOMO DRIVES GETAWAY CAR On Thursday morning, Wes Helms asks LoMo to drive him to Bank of America because his car has a flat tire. Upon pulling up to the front of the bank, Helms tells Morrison to wait in the car, that he'll be right out. Forty-five seconds later, Helms runs out of the bank in a ski mask, dives into the open door passenger side door and urges LoMo to speed away. It takes two days, but cops name Helms a suspect after talking with witnessess who say, "He was the most polite bank robber I've ever seen. Totally reminded me of my dad." Both are booked shortly after the game Saturday night.

That's all I can come up with, but I'm almost positive it's the beastiality one. If you've got any conspiracy theories of your own, feel free to leave them in the comments...

BUYING LOMO FREE BEER DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY ENSURE FRIENDSHIP

2011-08-12T07:28:00.003-04:00

After all that went down yesterday, I thought a free beer might be a good way to try and patch things up between me and LoMo...

LOMO AND I LEARN ABOUT FAN APATHY... TOGETHER

2011-08-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'll admit, a few days before the official postponement of the SCWS Costume Party, I was a little concerned about participation. Sure, there were some people who said they were going to be there, but nobody ever emailed me to make it official. For all I knew, it was just going to be me sitting there in the right field seats, alone, dressed like a strange animal. (Although, my guess is that that scenario would've been equally as amusing.) It wound up not making a difference, since I was forced to call it off anyway, but I'm sure you can understand my concern. Am I not funny enough? Do people really not like me? I smell, don't I? Do you guys make fun of me behind my back?

Turns out, it's none of those things. No, as it turns out, Marlins fans won't show up to anything. Not a Sunday afternoon Marlins game. Not a costume party. Not even a player-sponsored event to support a real cause!

So, yeah, I'm sorry LoMo's BaseBowl event had to be postponed. That sucks. But, it sure makes me feel a hell of a lot better about my event. Hey, maybe LoMo and I could team up to throw a BaseBowl Costume Party! We'd get, like, a whole 6 people to show up!

FOOTBALL VS. BASEBALL: AN SCWS INTERVIEW WITH FINS NATION'S THE DUDE

2011-08-10T07:46:00.010-04:00

With football season officially beginning tomorrow night – the Dolphins season gets underway on Friday – I thought I'd take a minute to email fellow South Florida sports blogger, Chris Joseph, ½ of the brains behind Fins Nation, the greatest dick-jokey football blog in the history of dick-jokey football blogs, and get his opinion on some of the differences between the sport I love so very much and the one he loves. It should also be noted that this interview took place about two months ago, so some of the questions and answers might seem a little less topical by now. Just one of the many reasons I suck at blogging. Enjoy.

SCWS: My dad taught me to play baseball when I was five, so I more or less grew up on the sport. Plus, I grew up in an all-black neighborhood, so I was always the worst football player, but the best baseball player, which really helps the self-esteem. As a kid, what made you choose football over baseball?

FN: Interestingly enough, I grew up in an all-Amish neighborhood. So between churning butter at 4 AM and building houses with my friend Malachi, I liked to pretend I was Dan Marino. Also, the chicks. Chicks dig quarterbacks.

SCWS: Now, as an adult, I'm sure you could cite a million reasons why you believe football to be better than baseball, but if you had to point to just one, you're going all-in with what?

FN: The NFL doesn’t give a shit about steroids! They like to pretend they do, but come on. The only way you get caught taking performance enhancers in the NFL is if you’ve got pigeon shit for brains *cough* Shawne Merriman. Or are beatified like Captain Cockshots Favre himself. Pain killer addiction? Pfft... Please take more oxycodone because you're like a kid out there and we love your free-wheelin ways!!! So football players are pretty much free to turn themselves into mutated freaks with Raisinette balls with little to no policing. It also makes it more interesting when there’s the possibility of someone dying during a game. Much like when Pat White died. RIP.

SCWS: Which is the better sport for drinking? Keep in mind that baseball actually takes breaks between each half-inning. It was practically designed with the drinker in mind.

FN: Well, as a Dolphins fan, I have no choice but to drink from pre-game through the post-game interviews into the next day. So, it’s a wash.

SCWS: What makes fantasy football so much better than fantasy baseball?

FN: Football is a lot less predictable than baseball. There’s the element of your number one stud running back blowing out his ACL on any given week and/or getting stabbed by a jaded lover. And then everyone in your league scrambles to grab his backup off waivers. There are also the surprise players like a Tyler Thigmen throwing for 500 yards on a shitty Chiefs team. Tyler Thigpen once led tens of thousands of fantasy owners to championship titles. You really don’t get that in baseball. Also fantasy baseball makes you draft catchers, which is a pain in the ass because there’s like three decent catchers in the entire league. You miss out on Joe Mauer, you’re stuck with J.R. Towles and thus your team is royally fucked.

SCWS: Fill in the blank. People who refer to baseball as the National Pastime – even though that phrase originated in the 1850's, when there were no other sports to play – make you want to _________.

FN: Punch them in their sanctimonious asshole.

SCWS: Defend painting your face and/or body for a sporting event, which seems to be more of a common occurrence at football games than baseball games. (It should be noted that I once painted my face for a mid-season Florida Panthers game, so you know, rocks and glass houses and whatnot.)

FN: I can’t defend it. You win.

SCWS: I think the closest thing you guys have to an A-Rod is Tom Brady. Great player, greater douche. How do you think football fans and writers would react if Brady tested positive for some sort of banned substance? My initial reaction is to say that they wouldn't be nearly as sanctimonious, but then I remembered that you guys have Gregg Easterbrook.

FN: Touche’ on Easterbrook. I think the fans would revel in it because everyone outside of the greater New England would be thrilled if that happened. They kill the guy over a ponytail for shitsake. But then it would die down and we’d all move on. I think the whole pious attitude is a baseball fan (or baseball writer) thing. They consider baseball this sacred sport, they call their stadiums “cathedrals,” they make weepy movies about it. Football has no such thing outside of a Jeremy Schaap puff piece about some high school football team in Texas that overcame all the odds. We hold nothing sacred. Ray Lewis in all likelihood killed a dude, and yet he’s a beloved football player. Ben Roethlisberger in all likelihood raped a woman, yet you can find his balls residing in Cris Collinsworth’s mouth during his Sunday Night Football telecasts. Lawrence Taylor is the biggest asshole on the planet, but is still worshipped by football fans to this day.

SCWS: Fill in the blank. The Derek Jeter of football is _________.

FN: The Derek Jeter of football is BRETT FAVRE. Never have two guys who have consistently made on-field mistakes and have been mostly average in the latter stages of their careers been more deified than those two shitheads.

SCWS: More obliviously racist: praising Dustin Pedroia for being gritty or voting for Peyton Hillis for the cover of Madden?

FN: Hillis for sure. Guy is the first white running back since John Riggins to blow shit up. White people are gonna ride this guy’s coat tails all the way to his first major MCL tear.

SCWS: I have four tickets in my hand. Two are upper deck seats for game seven of the World Series. The other two are lower bowl, 50-yard line seats for the Super Bowl. The catch? If you choose the World Series, you get to take any girl already in your phone's contacts. She may or may not want to fuck you for the gesture. If you choose the Super Bowl, you have to take Armando Salguero. Choose wisely...

FN: World Series.

You can follow Chris Joseph on Twitter at @FinsNation. You can follow his partner in crime on Twitter at @DatRoroKid. Both are excellent dick-joke makers. And you can read Fins Nation by clicking pretty much anywhere in this sentence. Whether you're a Dolphins fan or not, you should probably go ahead and check out the site. I guarantee you'll like it. Especially on Fridays.

The SCWS Ye Olde T-Shirt Shoppe now has Dolphins t-shirts. HUZZAH!

JACK CHECKS MONDAY NIGHT'S LINEUP

2011-08-09T07:33:00.004-04:00

Braves 8, Marlins 5

MUY IMPORTANTE: SCWS COSTUME PARTY CANCELLATION/POSTPONEMENT

2011-08-08T13:30:00.001-04:00

IMPORTANT COSTUME PARTY UPDATE:

Unfortunately, the SCWS Costume Party has to be put on hold as something has come up and I can no longer attend my own party. I wish I could tell you there was a death in the family or that my girlfriend broke up with me and I'll be slitting my wrists and dying in a bathtub, but it's nothing of the sort. In fact, the real reason is fairly depressing... I have to work. For realz, yo! Such is the life of a blogger who doesn't get paid to blog and lives paycheck to paycheck at a dead-end job that prevents him from ever truly being happy and occasionally drives him to drink.

You all are more than welcome to continue the party without me, of course. There's still a good time to be had in giant furry animal costumes and slutty cheerleader outfits. But, I'd certainly understand if you now chose to spend your Saturday evening doing something less ridiculous instead.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to reschedule it for later this year (seeing as how I already purchased over $80 worth of costume materials, tickets and drinks), but I'll leave that conversation open for discussion.

Again, I'm really sorry that this went down. Hopefully, I win Powerball and become filthy rich and blog from my mansion in my underwear and never have to worry about this shit happening again. But, until then, the man who signs my paychecks has more say in my Saturday nights than I do.

SCWS haz a sad. :(

THE OFFICIAL LEO COASTER T-SHIRT! BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, RIGHT?

2011-08-08T08:00:00.001-04:00

There's been much debate on Twitter as to who exactly came up with the #LeoCoaster hashtag. Was it me? Was it someone else? I have no idea. Not important, though. What's important is that it stuck. And that it's so, so perfect for Leo Nunez. And now that the trade deadline has come and gone and Leo inexplicably finds himself with a job in South Florida still, it's time for him to get his own t-shirt...

Introducing the Leo Coaster Staff t-shirt! Now you, too, can pretend you work at the the most nerve-racking, vomit-inducing ride in the Florida Marlins Amusement Park!

GET YOURS HERE!
(Ladies v-neck also available)

WEEENNNNDIIIIIGOOOOO!!!!!

2011-08-05T07:45:00.004-04:00

In an obvious attempt to win over the hearts of this comic book-loving blogger and others just like him, the Marlins called upon former Marvel Comics legend, Wendigo, to throw out the first pitch Thursday night against the Cardinals. Now, I'm old enough to know that Wendigo isn't actually a real thing and it was just a person dressed in a Wendigo costume, but the organization still gets an A+ for effort.

Bravo, Marlins. Bra. Vo.

LET THE RAAAAAAAAAAAAIN FALL DOWN

2011-08-04T07:52:00.006-04:00

With last night's game being rained out, now is as good a time as any to remind you about the SCWS Costume Party, which happens to be just 9 days away! I've got my costume picked out and my ticket purchased. Now all I need is you, because so far, it looks like it might just be me, my brother and some guy dressed as a giant pickle. So, please, come on out, dress up and we'll all get drunk and make fun of Buster Posey together! (And, of course, if you can't figure out what to wear, there are plenty of options at the SCWS Ye Olde T-Shirt Shoppe.)

All the information you need for the party is right here in this nifty little clickable sentence.

If you have any other questions, feel free to email me or find me on Twitter. I look forward to seeing you there... dressed as whatever offensive thing you'll be dressed as.

THE MANY SAD FACES OF JUSTIN TURNER

2011-08-03T09:45:00.003-04:00

Oops.

TUESDAY MORNING STANTONGASM CELEBRATION? TUESDAY MORNING STANTONGASM CELEBRATION!

2011-08-01T23:08:00.013-04:00

So, yeah, that happened! Not much else to say, so let's just check in with the official Stantongasm Meter® and get on with the traditional Celebration of Boobies & Other Such Wonderfulness!

(WARNING: AS ALWAYS, EVERYTHING YOU FIND AFTER THIS HERE JUMP IS EXTREMELY NSFW UNLESS YOU WORK IN THE PORN INDUSTRY OR DON'T CARE ABOUT GETTING FIRED TODAY. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. NOW ENJOY THE CELEBRATION. CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!)

MARLINS FINDING NEW WAYS TO SOLVE THAT WHOLE ATTENDANCE ISSUE

2011-08-01T07:42:00.006-04:00

Over the weekend, Strip Club With Stanton got a chance to tour the new Marlins ballpark. And while most of the hype centered around the retractable roof and state of the art luxury boxes, the thing I was most impressed by was the design of the new seats...

It may seem like a silly design now, but give it a year or two and you'll see just how brilliant this aesthetic decision really was. Plus, the kids will love it!

CODY? IS... IS THAT YOU, BUDDY?

2011-07-30T10:01:00.005-04:00

Dan Uggla has had this feeling for a while. This feeling that something just isn't the same. That something's not right. He just can't quite put his finger on it...